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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: I知 in Despair

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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: I知 in Despair

Old 08-20-2019, 08:43 AM
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EDIT ~ I wrote out and stored this Post a while ago; before you mentioned Self-Sabotage. A mighty germane sub-topic, me thinks. My own hunch is that Self-Sabotage morphs to become seductively familiar. Almost as if it has its own polished Neural Pathway, eh? I was also thinking exactly what fini just posted...

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Happy Mondo Huge_ola 1 Week In!

I vividly recall my own 1 Week in being a Personal Epiphany that I could actually *do* this Permanent Sobriety thing. Lawdy, that was some tough going, and I'd already muscled through some daunting Life Episodes inevitable at my advanced age.

My biggest breakthrough was an internal, mental Job. Hence, my blue Sig Line below. I started digging down into each moment, and doing only that thing. Hey, if all I did was let the Dog out the Gate, that was OK early on. I didn't Future Fret over Bills due, or give a serious thought to actually cleaning Dog Hair out from behind the Couch. Future Fretting is a speedy Ticket on the Roller Coaster back down into Hammered Town. Gee, Self-Sabotage much, Mesa?

My own Failure Dialog was based on stunted Perfectionism. Set nutso Goals for myself, and get hammered out of frustration when I didn't get everything done. Or, when things done didn't meet 'my' Standards. Like, what, I should leap out my Recliner Chair, and go run a 4 Minute Mile? Then, get hammered when I failed at that? With an impossible Mental Loop like mine playing internally, no wonder that any Day ending in 'y' was gonna involve drinking to Blackout.

'What a Dope ~ What a Maroon' ~ Bugs Bunny

So, the inside-job, Mental reworking I executed - kinda inadvertently - was to get all Zen re: whatever I was doing at the moment. Focus in a relaxing way on only that one thing. For the way I'm wired anyway, this helped keep self-defeating Mental Loops hidden back behind the proverbial Curtain. This was, perhaps, an illusion. Like a Fun House Mirror. But, hey, it worked. For me.

My own take is that perpetual Hopelessness is buttressed by unachievable Perfectionism. When I Jackhammered impossible Lists and Goals, my Sober Life became manageable. And, pleasurable again. How huge is that? If there's one critical thing in my Recovery, maintaining Serenity via moderate expectations - and forgiving myself - is it. Including not expecting me to be perfect at things I undertake in Recovery!

This one's for you, esteemed Tats!

~ 'What A Difference A Day Makes' ~ Dinah Washington ~
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Old 08-20-2019, 10:04 AM
  # 242 (permalink)  
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Yeah Tats -- magic 7.

Great post MesaM.

I am totally addicted to self sabatoge, but I am not a perfectionist (although the people who work for me may differ).

But I truly find ways to self sabatoge that boggle the mind -- these days especially around money and work. It truly is as cunning as my addiction to alcohol, proably even more so because it is harder to see and harder to solve (for me).

I know it relates to fear and feelings of being inadequate that I bonded to at an early age, but how to stop it is much more difficult because once I fix one area another pops out. It is indeed a moving feast.

The best I can do is to keep doing the next right thing no matter how difficult that is (and sometimes it is REALLY difficult). I also find that to extent I can trust the universe and accept its energy, it really helps. Having faith that it will all be all right in the end, and ifs not OK its not the end, is so important (but not easy).

There is a wonderful book called Why We Suffer that I think everyone should read.

So Tats, you are not alone. But stopping drinking allowed me to realize what I was doing and to go a long way to fixing it.
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:39 AM
  # 243 (permalink)  
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Tatsy, I dabbled a lot in self-sabotage and it's horribly destructive. I had to learn to accept that I deserved a good life, just as we all do. You deserve a good life, you deserve to succeed with your recovery, and you will.

Congratulations on Day 7!
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Old 08-20-2019, 02:24 PM
  # 244 (permalink)  
 
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Originally Posted by Tatsy
Thank you for reading my thread and for writing that you relate to how I feel. But, I知 so sorry doing so, caused your mind to whisk back to your dark period. I知 so glad you survived.
No worries Tatsy...I don't mind being whisked back to the dark times. It's ok, it doesn't scare me...it makes me grateful that I survived. You will too...not only will you survive, you will thrive. I'm sure of that.
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Old 08-20-2019, 04:01 PM
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Hi Tatsy! Congrats on making it back to sobriety!

One major thing about becoming sober and staying that way is that simply stopping drinking is not enough. Stopping drinking is just the first step, and all of us who have long-time sobriety know that. The follow-through steps are what a whole bunch of alcoholics don't do, with the results being that long-time sobriety and permanent sobriety are never reached.

After stopping drinking, the next parts involve rebuilding who you are. Only you can do that, and it takes work. This is where others help you do this, and you have to find others who are trustworthy who know what they are doing to assist you. I can tell you, "it ain't always easy, folks!" You have to work at it constantly, and you have to take the point of view that it isn't a drudge, a hardship, and a pain between the hip pockets. It's okay to take a break from working on that job once in awhile, but don't take a break via a drink. You are doing it for yourself, and you must view this job as something for your benefit. If you don't view this as something for your benefit, you will continue to slip back into being an active alcoholic over, and over, and over.

To put it even more plainly, you have to get the things out of your life that are triggers for drinking, and you can't go around looking for things outside of yourself because they aren't there. We all have nasty things going on around us, we all had nasty things done to us, and there will be nasty things in our future. What we have to do is get over this stuff and what it did to us, which isn't easy. This is where others help us. These can involve very real medical problems. Got one leg shorter than the other? You aren't alone, those others are not alcoholics. You get the idea I'm talking about. I had it rough when I was a kid, and I've been sober for coming up on 22 years because I actively work on staying sober. I'm still working on getting better and better, it never ends, and I have always viewed what I'm doing as a very interesting and fun thing, never a pain in the butt. I LIKE myself. You have to get into this mindset to stay dry.

Lautca
7971 days
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Old 08-20-2019, 05:13 PM
  # 246 (permalink)  
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Got my tea and catching up on your thread Tats.

I also have self-sabotaged frequently and sometimes severely.

I'm trying to identify when I'm slipping towards it and move the opposite way.
Work in progress for sure.

I'm beat again--first week of work is always like this--so off to bed.

I hope things look a bit brighter when you wake up on Day 8.
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Old 08-20-2019, 05:50 PM
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Hittng the hay -- see you for coffee on Day 8!
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Old 08-20-2019, 10:16 PM
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I self destruct all the time, if I didn't have my enemy from within, my life might actually be smooth and easy. I feel like I'm always shadow boxing myself. For example, just tonight I was yelling at my boyfriend for letting me have too long of a nap. I actually accused him of not loving me, because he let me sleep too long.

After I had that awful thing happen this winter, I told everyone to Eff Off. Some people multiple times. It brought out all my issues, all the anger and abandonment. No one ever helped when I needed it as a kid, so as an adult, I not only don't expect it, but I will push you away just so you can't hurt me by even trying. That's the thing with dysfunctional families, it's often when we are at our most needy, that we get let down and hurt the worst.

The book I'm reading talks about trauma anchor points. How incidents can trigger the original trauma of childhood and we can revert back to that moment and live it out again, unless we heal the original pain.
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Old 08-20-2019, 11:46 PM
  # 249 (permalink)  
ours de petit cerveau
 
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how are you doing today Tatsy?

hang in there. baby steps. one foot in front of the other for now. you don't have to deal with everything right this second - I'm sure you wouldn't have done if you were still drinking.
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Old 08-21-2019, 12:44 AM
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Good Wednesday to you, Tats
How's sleep going for you?
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Old 08-21-2019, 01:05 AM
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Coffee anyone?
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Old 08-21-2019, 03:46 AM
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Originally Posted by Dropsie View Post
Coffee anyone?
Getting up to make it now Drops庸irst light here.

Let痴 watch the sun come up!
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Old 08-21-2019, 04:09 AM
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Checking in - hello all, and how are you Tatsy?
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Old 08-21-2019, 04:21 AM
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Nice orange to pinkish glow from the NE horizon. Birds starting gradually while the lesser wings wind down their sweet drone.

Next some white light blooming into the first blue as the sky drops its black and the sun kicks it away under the earth bed waiting there twelve hours or so to be put on again.

How痴 the coffee? The French press really rocks these oily dark beans, doesn稚 it?
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Old 08-21-2019, 05:28 AM
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Hello Tats and Friends,

The coffee is remarkable. I blew a fuse this morning trying to warm mine up in the microwave while simultaneously making a fresh cup in the Kuerig, so I'm mighty glad yours was at the ready. How I'd love to see the actual sunrise at dawn. Too many trees around here.

Tats, how goes, girlfriend?

O
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Old 08-21-2019, 06:45 AM
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High-Test Coffee is on, Tats ~

I even remembered to put assorted Coffee Pot Parts into the Dishwasher last Night, so only the purest of Columbia's Finest is being swilled.

Sunrise this Morning harkens another Sober, hot Day on tap: 98 F [37 C]. A nice breeze courses off the ~11,000' [3,352 Meters] Mountains behind us. This cools the House nicely at ~6,150' [1,875 Meters] before dropping down into the Valley below. Saves our proverbial Bacon until we have to turn on the A/C in a bit.

Join us when you can...
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Old 08-21-2019, 01:23 PM
  # 257 (permalink)  
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I’m so very sorry all my kind friends, but I drank again. The shame is hard to bear, after you’ve all been so incredibly supportive of me, but I needed to tell the truth. I’m so sorry I let you all down.
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Old 08-21-2019, 01:28 PM
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ours de petit cerveau
 
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you don't have to drink any more tonight. pour out what you've got, drink some water & get to bed. you can start over in the morning. xx
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Old 08-21-2019, 01:33 PM
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Thank you Andy 🤗
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Old 08-21-2019, 03:48 PM
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whats driving you back to drinking again Tatsy?
what are the factors/emotions/situations?

D
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