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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

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I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

Old 08-19-2019, 03:20 AM
  # 221 (permalink)  
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Good Morning All 🤗 . Day 6. Never thought Iíd say that yesterday, but all your verbal prods, pushes and pulls worked, and out I popped, into another Sober Day!

Iíve been reviewing my original thread, that began my journey. I donít recognise myself, I showed such resolve, determination. And yes, I was a tad Ďcockyí so sure of streadfastness. How wrong was I? Very.

Although my drinking was, then, as bad as this time, life circumstances were hugely better, then, than now. Returning to Deeís original post in this thread, my sobriety didnít prove to be unconditional. I allowed outside events to affect my inner world.

So, I need to develop resilience, because with this current low level of hope, I feel I donít have another Day 1 in me, Iíd just continue.......
And Iím not even sure what I mean by resilience, I think I mean the ability to take actions required, even though parts of my mind are screaming at me not to: instead to continue wallowing in self-pity and drinking, which was so enticing. If I drank again, I donít believe I could muster the strength to ignore its siren call.

As always, a wholehearted thank you to everyone 💓
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Old 08-19-2019, 03:34 AM
  # 222 (permalink)  
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So glad you're here for 6! I was concerned about you...

Your definition of resilience is spot on, in my estimation. Gotta do the things we ought to do but don't want to do. At least start with a few of those, right? What's the plan for today?

xo
O
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:22 AM
  # 223 (permalink)  
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I think the worst thing you can do is let yourself be eaten up by shame. Shame feeds the Beast.



I've been doing my grief work, trying to integrate my shadow side. It's been hard, very painful. But it's working, that gross tight ball of anxiety that I've been carrying in my chest since childhood is finally easing up.

This is the book I'm using, if you're interested, Home Coming by John Bradshaw. He was a recovered alcoholic himself. Although, I don't recommend you doing the work right now... wait until you are on more stable ground with more sober time.

I love AVRT. I think it is hands down, the BEST tool for quitting drinking. However, Jack Trimpey himself says that it's not for the emotional stuff, and many of us alkies have emotional stuff to work out.

Just take life as it comes for now, go easy on yourself. Try to manage the internal dialogue so you talk nice to yourself.
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:35 AM
  # 224 (permalink)  
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Well, O (excuse the pun) youíll likely cringe at my to-do-list:

I always, despite how I regressed, looked after my animals, but not myself.

Therefore, self-care is now on the daily menu:
Eat three (nutritious) meals, albeit high carb/fat. Avert your eyes, Ketoers;
Make my bed;
Shower;
Walk;
Read some old books that my AV hates;
Read and post on SR;
Water previously neglected green beans, a failed project to spur me to stop drinking months ago. You never know, might flower and develop beans, before leaves drop off;
Listen to up- beat-music - whilst likely hating the vocalist for sounding happy;
Open post -ouch;
Check bank-balance and bills due: double ouch;
Cry, then berate myself for being so stupid.

Wrestle with and disconnect my ass-kicking machine.
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:48 AM
  # 225 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Tatsy View Post
Well, O (excuse the pun) you’ll likely cringe at my to-do-list:

I always, despite how I regressed, looked after my animals, but not myself.

Therefore, self-care is now on the daily menu:
Eat three (nutritious) meals, albeit high carb/fat. Avert your eyes, Ketoers;
Make my bed;
Shower;
Walk;
Read some old books that my AV hates;
Read and post on SR;
Water previously neglected green beans, a failed project to spur me to stop drinking months ago. You never know, might flower and develop beans, before leaves drop off;
Listen to up- beat-music - whilst likely hating the vocalist for sounding happy;
Open post -ouch;
Check bank-balance and bills due: double ouch;
Cry, then love myself and forgive myself for making a mistake because I'm worthy of love and forgiveness.
.

I fixed your post for you.
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:49 AM
  # 226 (permalink)  
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Thanks Wholesome, Iím so glad youíre feeling less anxious 😃. Youíve experienced an enormous upheaval this year, yet I feel certain youíll transcend and absolutely thrive.

Iíll watch the video now and Iíve saved the book reference.
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:58 AM
  # 227 (permalink)  
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Sounds totally doable. If it were me, I'd do the bank stuff first because I always dread it but feel so much better when I'm done.

But you should of course do you.

O
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:05 AM
  # 228 (permalink)  
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Resilience is so important- once we build up some sober muscles, as in days and weeks and...we grow stronger. At first, we just have to not drink. I love to do lists- yours is awfully long compared to what i could do at first!!

Setting ourselves up for (sober) success as much as possible is the most important thing as we start. Whatever it takes not to drink. I couldn't get hold of my thinking (good or bad) for a bit - I just had to not drink, and keep using others' help.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:15 AM
  # 229 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by August252015 View Post
Resilience is so important- once we build up some sober muscles, as in days and weeks and...we grow stronger. At first, we just have to not drink. I love to do lists- yours is awfully long compared to what i could do at first.
The honest truth, August. It was more of a wish-list, than a to-do list. I’ve no intention of post, or bank a/c or bills; I know I should, but I’m not up to it, can’t face it. I’d risk drinking when I read how bad it is, not that I don’t actually ‘know’, just don’t wish to ‘see’ it.

Its 2:13 pm and I haven’t made the bed, nor showered, nor walked. I just opened the field gate and let the dogs run around together. Ive eaten once. Watered the plants, because they’re on their last leaves in the sun, and made me feel guilty they’re dying because of me. Yes, it was my Pollyanna list, if only.
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Old 08-19-2019, 06:18 AM
  # 230 (permalink)  
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As long as you're doing something, you're doing well!
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Old 08-19-2019, 08:53 AM
  # 231 (permalink)  
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way to go on day 6, Tatsy!
i hear you on having been very wrong. it is a very useful thing to know, to be open to seeing, acknowledging. i comes with the chance of being receptive to other possibilities.
as far as your list...do what you can, obviously, and how about making two lists, then: one for wish-list and one for more realistic assessment and intention of what to do today?
that way, there isn't that dissonance.
anyway, works for me, so maybe it might work for you, too.
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Old 08-19-2019, 04:23 PM
  # 232 (permalink)  
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My first to do lists were
1 shower
2 eat twice
3 make the bed

They grew from there, and slowly.
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Old 08-19-2019, 07:37 PM
  # 233 (permalink)  
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My main item is to make sure my head hits the pillow at night sober.

All else is bonus.

Itís early days Tats. Just abide in sobriety for now.
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Old 08-19-2019, 08:52 PM
  # 234 (permalink)  
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Take that leap of faith, you are not alone, you have all of us behind you!!
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Old 08-19-2019, 08:55 PM
  # 235 (permalink)  
 
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Hi Tatsy,
I just logged on tonight after a long time and saw this thread.

Such a whirlwind of emotions I felt as I read through the whole thread. It's been many many years since I quit drinking, but I could still strongly relate to that trapped feeling you were describing...that "there is no way out" feeling. As I was reading your words, I could feel it like it was yesterday. It was terrifying and actually led me to a suicide attempt so many years ago. I'm so happy you are out of the trap.

Most of what I whispered out loud to you as I was reading was "recognize, Tatsy, recognize and separate." The shame, the doubt...it's all designed to drag you back in. It has no other purpose. Recognizing and separating is what has kept me out of the trap.

Whenever I have struggled and the AV has said "nothing is ever going to get better" I just smile and say "maybe not...but at least I won't be drunk."
Even if my only two choices were:
1) sh*tty life drunk
2) sh*tty life sober
I'd still pick door number 2. That option allows for hope and change. Option number 1 only seals the deal on a sh*tty life.

Keeping you in my thoughts. xo
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Old 08-20-2019, 03:37 AM
  # 236 (permalink)  
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Soberlicious, how wonderful to see your name pop-up!

Thank you for reading my thread and for writing that you relate to how I feel. But, Iím so sorry doing so, caused your mind to whisk back to your dark period. Iím so glad you survived.

Originally Posted by soberlicious View Post
Most of what I whispered out loud to you as I was reading was "recognize, Tatsy, recognize and separate." The shame, the doubt...it's all designed to drag you back in. It has no other purpose. Recognizing and separating is what has kept me out of the trap.
I appreciate your ncouraging me as you read, could visualise it. Thereís no separation. I simply abjectly agree with its negative, hopeless, thoughts. All of which lead to its conclusion: you might as well carry on drinking.

Originally Posted by soberlicious View Post
Whenever I have struggled and the AV has said "nothing is ever going to get better" I just smile and say "maybe not...but at least I won't be drunk."
Even if my only two choices were:
1) sh*tty life drunk
2) sh*tty life sober
I'd still pick door number 2. That option allows for hope and change. Option number 1 only seals the deal on a sh*tty life.
Brilliant, Soberlicious, it canít loophole out if I use No. 2 as a rebuttal. My wish for the ability to feel hope, runs through my thread, but I want it NOW! But acceptance of the fact that choice No. 2 only, could allow for the hope of hope, to arise; that framing sunk in.
Iím very grateful for your post. ❣
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Old 08-20-2019, 05:40 AM
  # 237 (permalink)  
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Awesome, Tats.

That's sort of where I was a couple of weeks ago - with a belief that hope for a better life could only develop if I stopped drinking and stayed stopped. It might not, but after a few days I decided I was damned if I wasn't going to give it my my best shot. That's why I'm encouraging you to Do Things you don't necessarily want to do. But that's me, you know I only want you to do you.

I've been wrong countless times about one quit or another being the last one. fini's right; we can take our lessons from each of those times to synthesize a program that works for each of us.

One week today, eh?

xo
O
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Old 08-20-2019, 06:58 AM
  # 238 (permalink)  
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Lots of good ideas friends—
Happy week 1 Tatsy!

Just cleaned out my horse trough and fixed the fence.
Off to my regular job soon and perhaps a yoga class tonight.

It really helps tension in my neck and back.

I like the group energy though I mostly stay in the back and go inward.
I noticed some are friends and do things together.

I’ve forgotten how to do that. Kinda sad, but maybe I can change that.

Everyone have a good day and I will Check in for an herbal tea before bed.
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Old 08-20-2019, 08:34 AM
  # 239 (permalink)  
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Yes, Week One, dear friends. Feeling somewhat defeated still. I watered my green bean plants today and forced myself to top up the enriched compost. So thatís a start. Self-care, not so much. Iím beginning to think Iíve an addiction to lack of self-care, madness, I realise. Is there such a thing as addiction to self-sabotage?
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Old 08-20-2019, 08:42 AM
  # 240 (permalink)  
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don't know, Tatsy.
but i know that it can be easier not to have to take responsibility.
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