Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Secular Recovery > Secular Connections
Reload this Page >

I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

Blogs


Notices

I Drank After 2 Years and Six Months: Iím in Despair

Old 08-17-2019, 07:01 PM
  # 201 (permalink)  
Member
 
fini's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,142
ďBut the future looks bleak and itís so hard to sustain a Pollyanna type resolve, that things may get better in time. Ē
Tatsy, i donít see anything Pollyanna-ish about the idea that ďthings may get better in timeĒ.
they very well may, and more than likely will with ongoing sobriety.
let me reframe that: ďthingsĒmay not get better, but YOU very likely will.
which gives you a much better shot at improving your circumstances.
fini is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to fini For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-17-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-17-2019, 07:27 PM
  # 202 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 195,141
Blog Entries: 1
Now I'm sober I know there's nothing so bad that will destroy me Tatsy - and I've had some pretty bad things happen since 2007.

Everything will be ok in the end..it its not ok...its not the end

D
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), least (08-17-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 02:51 AM
  # 203 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dropsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,024
Good morning and welcome to Day 5.

I think that a lot of this comes down to fear and to how loud the negative voice inside our head is.

When I stopped drinking, my fear became greater and that voice became louder. I think because I was no longer drinking to destruction, it needed to convince me that I was certainly NOT OK.

It still astonishes me how we are wired -- to be mean to ourselves in ways we would not be too others.

But what I have come to believe is that if we just keep doing the next right thing, we will build resilience. But we need to do it in love, not fear. Not easy.

More coffee?
Dropsie is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Dropsie For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 03:16 AM
  # 204 (permalink)  
Life Goes On
 
Obladi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 5,432
Blog Entries: 9
Good morning, Tats! I hope you're feeling at least a wee bit more hopeful and courageous this morning. If so or if not, do tell.

I'd love coffee, Drops, thanks. You're welcome to a slice of my delicious and decadent chocolate almond danish if you like.
Obladi is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Obladi For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 03:32 AM
  # 205 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Morning Tatsy - proud of you.

And to some, I might sound like Pollyanna Does Recovery - but it's not because I have resolve to "be" like that. It's because of the happiness and freedom I have found in my perfectly imperfect life. What AA talks about as the Promises coming true. I don't believe I'm doing "battle" hence terms like The Beast and always having an AV just don't fit my model.

Part of why I describe my life as living in the Pinks is because I have a clear, beautiful and real way to enjoy life as well as face its challenges with hope.
August252015 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to August252015 For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 04:11 AM
  # 206 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Tatsy View Post
I just feel so sad. I donít know how to improve my life circumstances. I know I canít change what happened, that resentments will only eat me up, so Iím fine with that, forgive, whatever.

But the future looks bleak and itís so hard to sustain a Pollyanna type resolve, that things may get better in time. So Iím pretty at risk to the AVs WTF you might as well drink. I wonít, but how to develop resilience, in the face of adversity, when hope is dwindling? Therein lies the rub.
tatsy, i think you know how to improve life circumstances. you are taking the 1st step to doing it- stopping drinking. doing that is already a massive improvement.
i had to look up pollyanna. i woulda been screwed iffen i was sposed to be cheerful and optimistic all of the time. no way i could have felt that way early on but i had hope!even on the days it seemed there wasnt but shitpiles in my life i hoped that pile would get smaller eventually.
how to get resilience.
resilience-the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness.
i hope ya dont look at the recovery to be quick but it WILL happen so long as ya work for it.
i didnt see a dam thing getting better for or in me for some time. about 2 months in a man at a meeting said,"dam,you already look better. the puffyness is gone and ya dont have that yellow tint!"
not the better i wanted(i wanted the mental mess to strighten up) but that was better.
after that i was able to start seeing the little things- i wasnt feeling suicidal every day, was able to smile now and then, laugh a couple times, accept i was a mental mess......many more. all of the small things added up over time to help.
as for the materialistic and financial side, that got better over time,too.
i
H.O.P.E.=
Hold
On
Pain
Ends
tomsteve is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to tomsteve For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), freshstart57 (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Obladi (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 04:27 AM
  # 207 (permalink)  
Life Goes On
 
Obladi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 5,432
Blog Entries: 9
Nice posts, you two.

August, just to clarify: AVRT is not about doing battle. It's a alternate way of describing "cunning, baffling and powerful" (the AV) and "the utter inability to leave it alone" (the beast). When we begin to recognize these aspects of the problem, we learn in one way or another that they can be refuted or will "slip away" with practice. When AA folks acknowledge that one drink can be our total undoing, that's a different way of saying "the beast" is dormant and we're going to keep it in that state.
Obladi is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Obladi For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), MesaMan (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 04:51 AM
  # 208 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Morning Tatsy,

I think it's best to just focus on what's in front of you. Once you've got a solid foundation without drinking, you can tackle the rest of it.

I've found lists very helpful. I write down everything that I need to do and categorize them by timeline and importance, and then pick a few for the day, then week, then month. Then I make myself do whatever I don't want to do the most, first. Once it's out of the way, I usually feel better about doing the rest of it.

Go easy on yourself, you've been through a lot and your body needs rest. We are often so hard on ourselves, way harder than anyone else would be. Practice self love and forgiveness, that's what you really need right now.
Wholesome is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Wholesome For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 05:20 AM
  # 209 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
O, I got it - I just lumped those together as pieces of things I hear y'all talking about. I have not done the intense research to know the intricacies - I just dislike hearing any negative terms connected to a view of recovery. Perhaps it seems to be splitting hairs you, but using the Beast as a term is not an AA thing, rephrased or not.
August252015 is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to August252015 For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 05:20 AM
  # 210 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,631
There are no words, Iím just crying with gratitude for every one of you gals and guys, that've posted since I wrote last night, when I was feeling low. I admit to feeling worse than I project, trying to act Pollyanna-ish. Act as if, positivity, when I know itís a surface act, and itís not sinking into my core.

Iím sorry you felt suicidal too, tomsteve. Thank you for looking up Pollyanna! I love your HOPE acronym. And August, I think your ĎPinkí is a breathe of fresh, healing air. I shall compose myself and re-read everyoneís recent posts, try to take onboard your experience and advice. Speak soon, when I stop blubbing!
Day 5 phew!
Fusion is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Fusion For This Useful Post:
August252015 (08-18-2019), Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 05:23 AM
  # 211 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Love hearing this T - yes, pink has always been my fave color and it took on a whole new level of meaning in recovery. It's also the center of my blog's name and mission.
August252015 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to August252015 For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 05:27 AM
  # 212 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 195,141
Blog Entries: 1
Just a reminder 12 step stuff is off topic for this forum guys.
Your cooperation will help stop posts being removed

Dee
Administrator
SR
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), MesaMan (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 05:54 AM
  # 213 (permalink)  
Life Goes On
 
Obladi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 5,432
Blog Entries: 9
Whoops, sorry Dee.
I was just trying to translate.
But I get it - I just forgot.


Tats, a wise person once said to me, "feel the feels."
Happy Day 5, even if you are a blubber-head right now.
Obladi is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Obladi For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 06:51 AM
  # 214 (permalink)  
Member
 
tomsteve's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Tatsy View Post
There are no words, Iím just crying with gratitude for every one of you gals and guys, that've posted since I wrote last night, when I was feeling low. I admit to feeling worse than I project, trying to act Pollyanna-ish. Act as if, positivity, when I know itís a surface act, and itís not sinking into my core.

Iím sorry you felt suicidal too, tomsteve. Thank you for looking up Pollyanna! I love your HOPE acronym. And August, I think your ĎPinkí is a breathe of fresh, healing air. I shall compose myself and re-read everyoneís recent posts, try to take onboard your experience and advice. Speak soon, when I stop blubbing!
Day 5 phew!
something ya might want to do which helped me:
get a notebook and write down one positive thing in your day- one positive thing about how it wnet or how ya thought. as the day goes on, write down them things.
then review at the end of the day.
ya know, we can have feelings . its part of being human. not all feelings are true.
when i got sober i felt i was a hopeless,helpless,useless,worthless POS. even though i felt that way didnt mean i was. those feeling were a result of feeling that way for many years,then the alcohol was removed, and they were ALL there in my melon at one time.
one of the hardest things i did-something that was suggested to help myself- was to look at myself in the mirror. right into my own eyes and say,"i love you" to myself.
it hurt. it hurt BAD.cried quite a few times. but i kept doing it.
eventually, there was a day that i did it and started laughing.
"why shouldnt i love myself???"

theres nothing wrong with admitting and accepting ya dont have "it" yet. but ya will eventually.
tomsteve is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to tomsteve For This Useful Post:
August252015 (08-18-2019), Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Dee74 (08-18-2019), Dropsie (08-18-2019), freshstart57 (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Obladi (08-18-2019), Sohard (08-23-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 08:53 AM
  # 215 (permalink)  
Member
 
Dropsie's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 3,024
So my youngest has a very interesting way of thinking.

When she was three, I asked her how she loved the most, and she said herself first, mama, papa etc. When I asked her again, she said mom, of course I love myself the most, isnt that normal.

Flip forward 12 years and her 15 year old self has trouble with school and when a dear friend of mine asked her what she was going to do different next year, she said I am "going to hope harder; I am going to hope as hard as I can."

Not what he was expecting, but she has the right idea. Hope and trust can take us a long way in this world, provided we also do the work (which she also knows (or so I hope (harder))).

Go day 5 my friend!
Dropsie is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Dropsie For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-18-2019), Hawkeye13 (08-18-2019), Wholesome (08-18-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 07:00 PM
  # 216 (permalink)  
Member
 
Hawkeye13's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 9,627
That's some great quotable quotes from your youngest drops

Tats, you are approaching a week pretty soon. Exceptional work!

I'm thinking over the hope question. Need a bit more time to frame my exactt take on that.

In broad strokes, I suppose I have hope because I don't have hope. Sounds weird but kinda true.

My flavor of hope isn't built out of wishing, more from choosing the direction I want to go.

Plain view over platitude.
Hawkeye13 is online now  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Hawkeye13 For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-18-2019), Fusion (08-19-2019), Wholesome (08-19-2019)
Old 08-18-2019, 10:08 PM
  # 217 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Sorry I haven't been back to this thread in a while but I'm glad you're sticking with it Tatsy. Couldn't agree more with Hawkeye about yoga..

About AVRT, I used to think it was a strange concept too, sort of counter productive.. Now I see it as a kind of inner compass, guiding me towards my "higher self" and away from anything that would put me on a path of destruction.

I think the AV is really just a manifestation of the "original wounds" that have in part shaped my addictive tendencies. Which is not to say I'm perpetually a victim, but that in recognizing the underlying patterns I'm empowered to transcend them.

Whatever is going on, your current circumstances don't define you Tatsy and there's nothing you can't face or overcome without alcohol.
Cosima11 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Cosima11 For This Useful Post:
Fusion (08-19-2019), Wholesome (08-19-2019)
Old 08-19-2019, 12:14 AM
  # 218 (permalink)  
ours de petit cerveau
 
andyh's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: London, UK
Posts: 1,573
how are you doing today Tatsy?
andyh is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to andyh For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-19-2019), Fusion (08-19-2019), Wholesome (08-19-2019)
Old 08-19-2019, 01:47 AM
  # 219 (permalink)  
Life Goes On
 
Obladi's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Posts: 5,432
Blog Entries: 9
Good morning, Tats. I woke up early to try to catch you for a cuppa.

How are things?

O
Obladi is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Obladi For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-19-2019), Fusion (08-19-2019), Wholesome (08-19-2019)
Old 08-19-2019, 02:09 AM
  # 220 (permalink)  
Guest
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 8,674
Sheesh, O - beat me to the punch, why don't ya?

Chiming in to say hi as well T.
August252015 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to August252015 For This Useful Post:
Cosima11 (08-19-2019), Fusion (08-19-2019), Obladi (08-19-2019), Wholesome (08-19-2019)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 06:47 AM.