dwtbd

MB

What are your plans in the presence of desire ?

Making it harder to get coke by deleting contacts , so a craving can't derail you , implies that the presence of a craving is a 'danger' signal, no ?

You say at the moment you have no desire for getting high and so you aren't acting to get high, what happens if you sense the desire? A wait and see approach never worked well for me.

soberlicious

dwtbd brings up a critical point here. GT was saying the same, and the Beast gets prickly and defensive when it's being exposed. GT has the best of intentions with helping others suss out sneaky AV. I truly hope that others can read it and understand where the bristle is coming from. He wants you to be conscious and prepared.

I'm a FL native and hurricanes are a way of life here. Most natives don't fear them, but we aren't stupid either...we prepare...because it's all so easy to act like storms aren't even a thing when you live on the Gulf in beautiful paradise and the sun is shining. I've faced a Cat 5 unprepared. It's terrifying. Now my family and I all point out to each other what needs fortifying and we have a plan in place. Thankfully so, because there are things I don't see so...yes, please remind me that I have a flashlight but no batteries!!

The bad news is, I don't have complete control over a storm. Even prepared it can kill me.

The wonderful news is that I do have complete control over drinking alcohol. Prepared with a plan in place, it cannot touch me.

Mrdenial

Hi Mirrorball, congratulations on where you are at, you have done extremely well and I completely agree with the above. People recover differently and interprete things in different ways and any negativity will only have a reverse effect.
I have to be honest and say I’m not doing so well. Although I clean, things have taken a turn for the worse at home. Before I went on holiday things were going well, as I was getting my clothes out of my wardrobe to pack, I found an old bag containing some of the beast inside. I first panicked, and did not want to be honest and show my wife I had found it on the eve of our holiday, and start off on the wrong foot so choose to wait until home. I now believe my AV kept the door open. The holiday went well and I obviously stayed clean, but me and the wife did have a few small arguments. A few days after we were home I remembered it was there so wanted to be honest about it. I got it from a shirt pocket in the wardrobe, and let my AV talk me in to racking it up tobuse it, rather than come clean and be honest. Before I used it in our bedroom, my wife walked upstairs and see what I was about to do. I had a moment of madness and stupidity, and she knew I was up to something. She asked me to leave to room to have a look round, I refused to leave and did everything I could not to be caught out, denying that I was up to anything and lied again, over fear I would lose her and have more guilt and shame. Until the next day I denied all knowledge and continued to lie. I knew I had to come clean about it and did so the next day, but obviously the fact I nearly used and lied, the damage has been done. I have two weeks to prove I am committed to change, I can be honest, not defend myself and blame everyone else for all I have done, to deal and accept the shame and guilt as a result. My AV keeps telling me to use now as I’m so deep in it and can see a way out, but my heart and head is telling me I don’t do drugs, and I don’t want to do drugs.
I have been told many times I have a habit of telling people how well I am doing, and hiding the truth, so wanted to share the problems I currently face. I have not used since early July, when I last relapsed but need to do so much better.
I hope everyone else is doing better than me.
Mrdenial

dwtbd

" my heart and head is telling me I don’t do drugs, and I don’t want to do drugs. "

You quit in July , yeah ? Congratulations

Any doubt in you ability to remain abstinent is by definition AV and ignorable as a plan/ploy to get more.

Do you have a copy of RR:TNC ? Look in it for a description of a Beast attack or vertigo or search the threads here in Secular Recovery in the 'long' discussions.

The idea that you are 'still in deep' is a ploy an illusion IT must keep in play to keep the stuff coming. The fact you are a nonuser right this second, and 'out', is anathema to ITs design , it has to convince you are stuck in some interim dangerous space waiting for change .

As contrary as it sounds, your wife didn't stop you from failing to remain sober, she interrupted a possible success at using, which you decided to never do , yeah ?

You can't hope to keep a Big Plan , the AV thinks You don't mean it, You get to decide.

Mrdenial

Thanks dwtbd and great advice much appreciated