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Trying AVRT again

Old 07-01-2018, 01:57 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by GerandTwine View Post
All the times that I quit temporarily I did it because I wanted to avoid the bad things that were happening from getting high.

When I eventually quit for good it was because I was finally willing to give up forever that deep tsunami of pleasure that I had grown so accustomed to.

I learned that pain and negative experiences are forgotten faster than pleasurable positive ones. So, knowing I would forget the bad feeling and still remember the good feelings, it was important for me to Recognize from the moment I made my pledge of permanent abstinence that I was giving up FOREVER that assault of chemically enhanced, ecstatic stupidity that I had grown to love over more than ten years.

So, youre right. ALL the negative/bad thoughts and feelings about quitting for good are IT, your AV.

Tell us now. What are the GOOD thoughts/feelings you have when you realize your addiction can be OVER today.
That's where I'm at.. I realise I have to say goodbye to the high, and I didn't quite realise what a wrench that would be. It's a trade though.. I am giving up the deep pleasure of the high, so that I don't have to feel the horrible lows or have the horrible consequences anymore ( namely, impact on relationships, health, wealth, feeling like a scumbag after I've used, feeling like all my energy has gone, getting sick etc)

So.. I guess my good feelings are basically a sense of relief that I won't have those horrible consequences any more. That I can beat this thing that owned me for so long... it's horrible feeling owned by an addiction, you don't feel like a free person. Plus relief that I got out in time before any really bad consequences. I mean, I've probably spent several thousand a year on this stuff but I've never lost my job, driving licence, family etc... So I'm very lucky in that sense given how long I've been using this stuff. A couple of times I thought I may OD and I've long feared death... so relief at making it out alive I guess.
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Old 07-01-2018, 02:38 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Once you make a Big Plan, you will notice how unauthentic it feels when you think about using in the present (or future) tense. Of course, that’s your AV. It will suddenly become very correct for your reflective thoughts and feelings about YOU USING to all be in the past tense.

“...when I use cocaine...” instantly becomes “...when I used to use cocaine...”

If using the past tense feels unauthentic, well, guess who that is?
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Old 07-02-2018, 01:14 AM
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Woke up today feeling strong in my decision to quit.

I've realised just how very destructive this drug has been in my life. I've been a functioning addict for 10 years, all the while holding down a job, having a young family (my pregnancies were the only times I refused to use).... to the outside world I am a respectable, professional 40 something mother of 2, the only people who've really known the true extent of my addiction are my husband (and even then there's been many occasions where I've lied to him about my usage) some using buddies I no longer see, and my dealers.

The one good thing about cocaine is that it's illegal, therefore hard to get if I delete the contacts for connects. This is what I've done, I've also got my husband to change the password on my email account where I have contacts stored, as you can reverse a deleted contact for 30 days. (so I can't access this account without him knowing)

This isn't foolproof as it doesn't stop the dealers contacting me again, and they're not stupid these coke dealers so they will often send 'updates' about new product they have in to keep the number fresh. But currently I don't have the physical means to get any even if I wanted to which should help a little in the early days.

I've done this before though, the deleting numbers thing, and it is not enough on its own, it needs the mental commitment never to use again as well.

Since I decided to quit , on the back of the coming home at 8 am and being wired in front of the children incident, I feel my relationship with my husband has got better as he knows I am trying so hard to move beyond this. I don't think he'd give me a second chance though if I went back to it - it'd create a wall between us especially now I've said I'll quit. All the while I've been using, it's been like an affair in the relationship keeping us from bonding as much as we could. I don't want to lie to him anymore. It made me feel so scummy, going off on the sly to see my abusive lover cocaine whilst my caring husband and children are at home with no idea.

So - f*** you cocaine, I am done with you!
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Old 07-02-2018, 05:42 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mirrorball
I've done this before though, the deleting numbers thing, and it is not enough on its own, it needs the mental commitment never to use again as well.
Amen to that!

When I finally quit, I did similar things to distance myself from the using part of my past and I did feel less uncomfortable.

Looking back, though, I see that it was really the commitment that made all the difference, and the severings were pretty much just logical reactions - feeling somewhat vulnerable, having switched sides from protecting IT to killing IT off.

With these natural emotional responses in mind, Addictive Voice Recognition Technique recommends arbitrarily and very deliberately taking a position of 100% confidence about your decision to quit. Anything opposing that is your Addictive Voice.
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Old 07-02-2018, 06:24 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Yeah, I've come to the end of the road with cocaine.. I know that, and I'm going through a sort of grieving process/coming to terms with the fact that I can't make it work - which feels healthy, it feels like this is 'separating' me from my addiction which had me convinced for years that it wasn't that bad/I can handle it/I can just do a bit occasionally etc.

Another consequence for me today - my bank account went into arrears last week and some debits went unpaid... I'm low on funds now and if I could take back all the money I'd spent on gear this year I'd have more than enough to clear my overdraft. I'm going to have a boring month now trying to save money and staying at home.... but good I can recognise these consequences as the cost of my addiction, and the benefit of giving up is that I won't have to suffer them anymore.
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Old 07-02-2018, 03:35 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mirrorball View Post
Yeah, I've come to the end of the road with cocaine.. I know that, and I'm going through a sort of grieving process/coming to terms with the fact that I can't make it work - which feels healthy, it feels like this is 'separating' me from my addiction which had me convinced for years that it wasn't that bad/I can handle it/I can just do a bit occasionally etc.
I think you’re beginning to tear away the veil hiding the moral failing that many people don’t like to see in their chemical dependency. I eventually came to believe the now dead drunken me had been a profound moral failing.

Originally Posted by mirrorball
Another consequence for me today - my bank account went into arrears last week and some debits went unpaid... I'm low on funds now and if I could take back all the money I'd spent on gear this year I'd have more than enough to clear my overdraft. I'm going to have a boring month now trying to save money and staying at home.... but good I can recognise these consequences as the cost of my addiction, and the benefit of giving up is that I won't have to suffer them anymore.
We use what’s going on in our lives to decide to make the Big Plan. But once made, the beauty of the Big Plan is its complete isolation from any association with other things going on in our lives.

For example your Addictive Voice is loving that you are associating good and bad things in your life to using/abstinence. I can imagine at least four very logical ways your AV can play your finances and the coming “boring month” to try and get you to feel antsy about your planned permanent abstinence.

All that is avoided by Recognizing the Addictive Voice in your thoughts and feelings. Why do you now not use any more? Solely because you made a Big Plan. You have check mated the Beast using its own ancient, persistent stubborness for survival, reviving that wrong deep pleasure.
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Old 07-13-2018, 03:06 PM
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Hi all, Im always trying and enjoying AVRT. I have been doing NA meetings for quite a few years and had relapse after relapse. To be honest I never have been a spiritual person and found it difficult to relate to god etc, although without a doubt NA has helped me a lot. Only recently did I discover AVRT and so far so good, it is definitely helped my mindset and effort to finally start to recover. I have had a lot of busy, stressful challenging days at work recently, and have managed to stay pro active and positive, which is a big difference already. I will stay focused and keep working hard, and continue to be a better person I wish to be.
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Old 07-14-2018, 03:27 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Mrdenial View Post
Hi all, Im always trying and enjoying AVRT. I have been doing NA meetings for quite a few years and had relapse after relapse. To be honest I never have been a spiritual person and found it difficult to relate to god etc, although without a doubt NA has helped me a lot. Only recently did I discover AVRT and so far so good, it is definitely helped my mindset and effort to finally start to recover. I have had a lot of busy, stressful challenging days at work recently, and have managed to stay pro active and positive, which is a big difference already. I will stay focused and keep working hard, and continue to be a better person I wish to be.
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Hi MrDenial hope you are doing ok. I also didn't like the AA approach and in particular the disease/powerless concept. I had heard other people/addicts use the 'you can't help it you have a disease' line on me and always thought that was BS, or else how could anyone ever recover.

It took me a while to get onboard with AVRT as you have to really be ready to stop forever and for a while I wasn't. I think not being a daily user was a hindrance as I could go for a few weeks without using so all the more easy to convince myself I was a recreational user when I was anything but.

I had a horrible relapse dream last night, then dreamt that I woke up and it was real!! Soooo good to finally wake up properly and realise it was just a dream. In the past I'd wake up from using dreams thinking 'damn! I was only just getting my high on' but this time it really was waves of relief that it was all a dream.

Not missing the coke life at all at the moment. My AV keeps trying to convince me I wasn't serious saying 'hey you didn't really mean all that' and also asking me what I'm going to do at my brother's party next year (he has these coke fuelled parties usually once a year when his wife is away, but not this year )so it's like the next time I'll definitely come into contact with coke would be then, if I go which I probably won't. But AV keeps going on about it/fixating on it.... weird!


Stick with AV and with this board if you can Mr Denial, I found it really helped me.
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Old 07-18-2018, 01:52 PM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Hi mirrorball, I think for a long while also my head was telling me I wanted to stop, but maybe I wasnt, with so many times I picked up and used, and called it a relapse. Now I know Im ready and in a good place.
I dont drink anymore as that was an instant trigger to pick up the phone, instinctively and grab a bit. I also try and avoid any situations where it could lead to the AV persuading me to have a one off line etc.
Eventually when Im strong enough I would like to face them situations rather than hide from them, and prove the AV its over.
Onwards and upwards
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Old 07-19-2018, 05:43 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Mrdenial
Congratulations on your decision!

Now feel free to be uber-proactive by remaining inactive

Recognize and separate from your AV and then ignore IT. Being persuaded by your AV to do anything would mean that you engaged with it , started bargaining or negotiating and ended up acting on Its dumbass idea.

Feel free to let it have Its foolish notions, after all that is all that It is ,an end stream of foolish notions, so foolish in fact they are beyond ignorable, they are pathetically laughable, you have decided to be a nonuser any idea to the contrary is boulderdash, yeah ?

You decide when it is over, any doubt in your ability to remain abstinent is AV and completely ignore-able.

Freely set your confidence level at 100% , It says you are waiting for proof, to disguise the Fact that You are the arbiter of truth and proof , not It , it wants to keep you on the edge , suspending belief , cut the legs off and out from under Its illusory facade , perhaps the only time in history that this quote is actually apropos
" I am the Decider"
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Old 07-20-2018, 01:44 PM
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Originally Posted by dwtbd View Post
Mrdenial
Congratulations on your decision!

Now feel free to be uber-proactive by remaining inactive

Recognize and separate from your AV and then ignore IT. Being persuaded by your AV to do anything would mean that you engaged with it , started bargaining or negotiating and ended up acting on Its dumbass idea.

Feel free to let it have Its foolish notions, after all that is all that It is ,an end stream of foolish notions, so foolish in fact they are beyond ignorable, they are pathetically laughable, you have decided to be a nonuser any idea to the contrary is boulderdash, yeah ?

You decide when it is over, any doubt in your ability to remain abstinent is AV and completely ignore-able.

Freely set your confidence level at 100% , It says you are waiting for proof, to disguise the Fact that You are the arbiter of truth and proof , not It , it wants to keep you on the edge , suspending belief , cut the legs off and out from under Its illusory facade , perhaps the only time in history that this quote is actually apropos
" I am the Decider"
Hi dwtbd, thanks for your advice and post. Staying inactive is definitely my focus and new life. I dont do drugs. I agree completely and will ignore my AV at all costs! I will use follow and use your wise words and ignore and stupid ideas my AV tries to suggest. I appreciate all the time and effort I have been shown, and advice to help me in my new life. Another good day working hard, and being organised and in control of me and my actions.
I hope everyone else in here has had a positive day, and kept their AV quiet.
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Old 07-20-2018, 02:34 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Just got to say this is a great thread! I also struggled with the "never" - AVRT was attractive to me but the explanations and discussions here are the best I've ever read.
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Old 07-23-2018, 01:11 PM
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Changing my behaviour

Hi all, things are going good and My AV is getting quieter each day. My addictive behaviour is improving, but I do struggle showing emotions and feelings, as for many years drugs suppressed them, and blocked out the addicts unwanted feelings like guilt, hurt and shame. I also need to learn how to show the gentle, loving caring side to my wife again. I have always felt it but not shown it. Slowly but surely Im becoming me again. Hope everyone here is ok and doing well.
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Old 08-04-2018, 12:51 AM
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Just an update from me.. so many times when posters do not return to threads it is because they have relapsed. I'm happy to say this is not the case for me! I've not touched drugs since I made my BP at the end of June. I went through a weird period of feeling like I was mourning the loss of 'drug me' and I feel like I've kind of come through that now.

I've been enjoying creating a drug free life and spending time with family. I got a new job, something I wanted to do before but couldn't as I got away with a lot of 'sick days' in my old job which I knew I wouldn't get away with in a new job, and besides I want to be able to fully commit myself to my work.

I've had a few cravings, but as I have deleted all contacts and have no using friends anymore, there's no chance of getting any. I know these cravings are not the real me - they are my AV. I keep telling myself 'this way of life is better. I If the other way was better, if I truly believed that, I'd make a choice to continue but as it is I've made a choice that this way is better and to stop.'

So yeah this feels like a whole new chapter for me. I went away to stay in a hotel with Mr. Mirrorball the other night. We had a night off the kids as my parents took them for the night. In the past I'd have taken a gram with me and we'd have stayed up all night then felt awful the next day. This time we had a lovely meal at the hotel, got to bed at a reasonable hour and spent the next day exploring the city and going to a spa. It was great! Makes me realise that drugs just make you prioritise getting high, at the expense of experiencing life. So glad to have got out of my addiction. Never going back!
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Old 08-04-2018, 06:38 AM
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Thank you for that post Mirrorball- so inspirational!
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Old 08-04-2018, 12:28 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mirrorball View Post
...

I've had a few cravings, but as I have deleted all contacts and have no using friends anymore, there's no chance of getting any. I know these cravings are not the real me - they are my AV. I keep telling myself 'this way of life is better. I If the other way was better, if I truly believed that, I'd make a choice to continue but as it is I've made a choice that this way is better and to stop.'

...
Hi Mb,

Its nice to see your life is becoming teetotalicious.

You do have a sneaky AV, though, which is not accepting your Big Plan at all. Your above paragraph is loaded with AV.

First IT gets you to divide your abstinent self in two - “I keep telling myself” - like there are two of YOU. No, there is YOU and IT. IT wants you to have a part of yourself that feels alien and contrary to never getting high on cocaine ever again. Your AV is trying to pose as YOU.

Then it immediately goes into the present tense about snorting again. Instead of saying “I would have made a choice to continue...” IT keeps all the decision making still alive and up in the air with “I’d make a choice to continue...”. So, your not using seems based on a complex belief about a “...way of life...” that most people continually reevaluate, particularly about what kind of pleasures they like to try next. (different places to visit, people, foods, entertainments, experiences, etc.)

Then IT finishes the whole paragraph off with your “choice” not being the Big Plan, but instead an indeterminate infinitive with conditions “...this way is better and to stop.

AVRT alternate = “...as it is, I’ve made a choice that I will never drink/drug again.

Once the Big Plan is done, the choosing is over, the addiction is over, the recovery is over.

Addictive Voice Recognition Technique is all about just a little bit of conscientious thinking.

GT
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Old 08-05-2018, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by GerandTwine View Post
Hi Mb,

Its nice to see your life is becoming teetotalicious.

You do have a sneaky AV, though, which is not accepting your Big Plan at all. Your above paragraph is loaded with AV.

First IT gets you to divide your abstinent self in two - I keep telling myself - like there are two of YOU. No, there is YOU and IT. IT wants you to have a part of yourself that feels alien and contrary to never getting high on cocaine ever again. Your AV is trying to pose as YOU.

Then it immediately goes into the present tense about snorting again. Instead of saying I would have made a choice to continue... IT keeps all the decision making still alive and up in the air with Id make a choice to continue.... So, your not using seems based on a complex belief about a ...way of life... that most people continually reevaluate, particularly about what kind of pleasures they like to try next. (different places to visit, people, foods, entertainments, experiences, etc.)

Then IT finishes the whole paragraph off with your choice not being the Big Plan, but instead an indeterminate infinitive with conditions ...this way is better and to stop.

AVRT alternate = ...as it is, Ive made a choice that I will never drink/drug again.

Once the Big Plan is done, the choosing is over, the addiction is over, the recovery is over.

Addictive Voice Recognition Technique is all about just a little bit of conscientious thinking.

GT
I'm doing fine thanks, Gerardtwine, whether it's what you call AVRT or not it's working for me!
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Old 08-05-2018, 12:24 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by mirrorball View Post
I've had a few cravings, but as I have deleted all contacts and have no using friends anymore, there's no chance of getting any. I know these cravings are not the real me - they are my AV. I keep telling myself 'this way of life is better. I If the other way was better, if I truly believed that, I'd make a choice to continue but as it is I've made a choice that this way is better and to stop.'
I didnt mention the most obvious AV part of the above paragraph in my previous post. I wanted to see if anyone else would point it out.
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Old 08-05-2018, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by GerandTwine View Post
I didnt mention the most obvious AV part of the above paragraph in my previous post. I wanted to see if anyone else would point it out.
Im not quite sure what you are trying to achieve or prove here Gerand. I feel that if i was MB (who is clearly celebrating the journey so far) well your posts come across as somewhat patronising and as if your an educator writing "Could do better" on a school report. Perhaps support and posing questions to the OP may help them discover more of their journey through self examination than your approach.
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Old 08-07-2018, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by soberista View Post
Im not quite sure what you are trying to achieve or prove here Gerand. I feel that if i was MB (who is clearly celebrating the journey so far) well your posts come across as somewhat patronising and as if your an educator writing "Could do better" on a school report. Perhaps support and posing questions to the OP may help them discover more of their journey through self examination than your approach.
Yes, I have to agree with you Soberista. Gerardtwine, I know you have the best of intentions and like nothing more than to see new members remain sober but I have to say the constant critiquing of my posts is hindering rather than helping.

AVRT is just that... a technique. Sometimes I choose to use it. Other times I may choose another way of describing/explaining/expressing where I am at.

At the moment I have no desire or to use cocaine now or in the future and I am very happy with my decision to quit. Every day I feel like my addiction could have killed me, but it didn't, and I'm lucky to have survived.
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