RecklessEric

My wife and I don't really get on. We seem to tolerate one-another but rarely do anything together. Since I began to address my drinking ten years ago, I've put her through some sh1tty times when I've binged and I take responsibility for that.
But can I then be expected to have that used against me when I point something out that she has done that I have a problem with?
I tell her that I have and continue to try beat my addiction and I don't do too badly. When I ask what she does to change, she loses her mind and the conversation ends.
Our daughter is 11 and I would happily come to an agreement to behave civilly to each other for our daughter's sake. Problem is, my wife is incapable of having a difficult conversation without lashing out verbally and assigning blame to me for every single thing.

I don't know what to do. We have a mortgage that we would need to be paid and if I moved out, I'd never afford both, so we're kind of stuck.

Any thoughts welcome.

ScottFromWI

Have you considered seeing a marriage counselor or asking your therapist? Also remember that it takes a long time to regain the trust of those we hurt while we were actively using. How long have you been sober?

RecklessEric

Yes, we've agreed to do relationship counselling.
Bizzarrely, since we've agreed to it, the tension seems to have dissipated.
Hopefully it will prove helpful.

MythOfSisyphus

I hope it helps, Eric! A relationship neglected for years won't necessarily be repaired in a day but if you're both willing to try then I'd say you have a good shot.

tomsteve

hows it going,eric? hope youre doin good with recovery and on the homefront.

RecklessEric

Thanks TS.

Not going badly.
Wife has been away with work and will be away again next week.
We've both committed to the relationship and improving it. We'll seek therapy when she gets back from her travels.

tomsteve

THAT is awesome to read!

Stayingsassy

I rarely, rarely "point things out that I have a problem with" unless it's a big, big, big deal.

married 23 years in Sept and I have a hard time sometimes with the things he does but I generally employ the "keeping my mouth shut" technique.

I had some bumps lately with wondering if I want to stay with him cause he drinks, I posted about it here.....but not a word to him. Things shifted and it was worked out.

Assumptions I make in marriage:

1. He's a fully grown adult making adult decisions. if they are different than my decisions it doesn't make them wrong, it just makes them different. Even if I hate it. It's not on him to change. Ever. It's on me to decide if I will deal with it.

2. We don't have to live in each other's back pocket. We don't have to do things together. He's a boy. He likes boy things. What, did I expect him to cry into his truffles and watch chick flicks? Lots of things we don't do together and neither of us cares, except for....

3. The bedroom. Fix what happens in the bedroom, and you've fixed the whole shebang. Shebang....ha, funnier than I thought. You know, attentiveness, timing, frequency, sort of nonverbally work all that out and fighting usually stops.


anyway that's my opinion. Interesting to type it out. Many won't agree I am sure but that's the thing about marriage too...what are your patterns? What works for you? What works for her? What makes it good and nice and relaxed for you guys and what doesnt?

glad things are better.