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I drank a liter of vodka over the weekend

Old 05-30-2018, 04:07 PM
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I drank a liter of vodka over the weekend

Not happy about it, not sad either.
It is what it is.
Not much more to say.
My desire to stay sober doesnít parallel my deep desire for sporadic intoxication.
I desire permanent abstinence, but I canít seem to get there.
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Old 05-30-2018, 04:41 PM
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i would encourage anyone with thoughts to speak, as bluntly as possible.

I would appreciate any insight, from AVRT folks, SMART folks, refuge recovery folks, AA folks, SR folks, and anyone else who has been able to stay sober.
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Old 05-30-2018, 04:58 PM
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I saw this coming for a while Daredevil - just curious if you did too?

D
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:00 PM
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Dee: I value you--I imagine you saw this.......

You hit me with a PM before it happened.

This place is all the better because you're here.
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:02 PM
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I desire permanent abstinence, but I canít seem to get there.
Desire doesn't seem to be enough for you. When I got sober, finally, it was because I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink.
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:02 PM
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I agree with Dee. You've been winding up for this pitch for a while.

If you don't want to stay sober, that's your choice. We certainly can't give you the inner motivation.

I tried that every-now-and-then drinking.

It always leads to the same place. Maybe not every time, but it does lead to that miserable spot.

Euphoria for an hour. Chase that. Keep that going!!!! Drink too much. Then have no desire to go through the quit again.

Ambivalence. Fence sitting. Regret/Redrink. Regret/binge.

Pretty much the definition of addiction.
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:05 PM
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bimini

with all respect, as always, you know little of what you say......

why would you say I've been winding up to this?
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:12 PM
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least,

yes, I wanted to get drunk more than I wanted to stay sober.

Definition of an alcoholic.


People make it seem like it's so easy.
It's not.
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Old 05-30-2018, 05:20 PM
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I don’t care about the liter.

I want permanent abstinence.

If anyone can help me get there, I’d appreciate it.
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Old 05-30-2018, 07:29 PM
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so the issue is that you want permanent abstinence but temporarily the big picture of wanting permanent abstinence doesn't carry you through the immediate wanting of what you want now?
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Old 05-30-2018, 08:22 PM
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Nothing is permanent, including a desire for sporadic intoxication. What you want now or desire now, is a feeling, nothing more. It doesn't have to transition to fact. It will pass given time and room.

Leave your front door and your back door open. Allow your thoughts to come and go. Just don't serve them tea.
Shunryu Suzuki
Many times, I have held off serving tea for 15 minutes. Sometimes it takes a second or even third 15 minutes. During those 15 minute periods, I listen to my soul because that is where I find my truth. I also use this time to remind myself that my wants don't always align with my truths. Pursuing my truths brings serenity, pursuing my wants...not so much.
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Old 05-30-2018, 09:48 PM
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Originally Posted by daredevil View Post
bimini

with all respect, as always, you know little of what you say......

why would you say I've been winding up to this?
this is the problem,bubba- nobody is as smart as you.

The steps are pretty straight-forward.
I donít need a sponsor because I havenít met anyone smarter than me.
Thereís nothing in the BB that is beyond my understanding.
Iíd never trust someone else to explain to me what is self-explanatory.


this drunk you had was seen by many-premeditated with a MASSIVE know it all attitude.

humility never hurt anyone.
lack of it has destroyed nations.
humility-THAT will lead to the beginning of permanent sobriety.
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Old 05-30-2018, 10:21 PM
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Daredevil, life is a series of choices we make. We choose to drink or not to drink. Sometimes it is day by day and sometimes it is hour by hour. I have been sober for only 21 days. Big test as my wife is leaving for Calif for a week and I will be left to my on devices. The choice will be mine and mine alone. I wont have her here to be with me when the urges set in. Right now I choose to come to this site to get the needed strength, and I pray to make the same choice tomorrow after work. With no one at home who will know if i fail? Have a couple of days of drinking then back on the wagon before she gets home? I know that would be way wrong and I am and will choose to not do that because the guilt woul be more that I can bare.
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Old 05-30-2018, 11:02 PM
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I personally think the true desire to quit has to come from within..sure your family, friends,.or whomever can help along the way..but the true desire has to be yours alone. Maybe you are just not there yet?
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Old 05-31-2018, 12:04 AM
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Hi I think itís crucial that in order to stop drinking you have a motivator, something you want even more than your desire to drink.

For me itís my Phd, it IS worth more to me than my drinking so Iíve stopped drinking - Iíd never forgive myself if I messed this up over something as stupid as alcohol.

After that I want an amazing job in a country I love with someone I love. I donít know if Iíll get that but Iím willing to put in the good work now and hope.

Try to find the thing you love more than drinking until you find you love sobriety more than drinking
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Old 05-31-2018, 01:00 AM
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Everyone with sobriety under their belt seems to be on all sorts of medications.

I think AD’s, anti-cravings meds, etc. may be the answer.
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Old 05-31-2018, 01:04 AM
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I'm not sure why Bim and I got different answers when we said pretty much the same thing.

Arrogance? I've still yet to meet anyone as arrogant as I was LOL so arrogance is in itself not that great a barrier to recovery IMO.

what was a barrier was the fact that as crummy as my life was, I got used to it, I could do what I had to do and get drunk the rest of the time.

I led a selfish life and one geared to satisfying my desires.

The farthest I looked ahead was tomorrow morning and would I have enough booze for a heartstarter.

Things had to get pretty bad before I gave that up.

I dunno what your life is like - maybe it's like mine was or maybe it's completely different....but there must be something pulling you back into old habits and making you think that journey is worthwhile.

I thought I had it made, but I was like the frog sitting happily in the saucepan of water being slowly boiled to death.

I hope you're smarter than me, Daredevil.

D
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Old 05-31-2018, 01:08 AM
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I didn't think I'd jump in and comment on your thread, Daredevil, but having read through the posts and seeing what people have said (that you have largely discounted)....

Bimini is dead on and, notably, agreed with Dee whom you supposedly respect and whose opinion you value. Disconnect there.

Tomsteve is also spot on - the I'm smarter-than, I-can-do-it-my-way etc mentality sure kept me and lots of people I know drinking for a long time. One way I'd describe this is that I'm not a special snowflake. And, brains don't matter when it comes to addiction because it just doesn't discriminate.

You asked for people's blunt opinions:

Drugs, therapy, a program, whatever care we DO need once alcohol is out of the picture have been and continue to be some of my major tools in sobriety; I now have 27 mo and change and while I still call myself a newcomer- as that helps me keep humble AND...reminds me I can always learn more from others - I know enough to take advantage of all I can, while accepting that none of those things will help me UNLESS....

Desire+CHOICE = opportunity to get sober. Recovery hopefully follows that- most of us would say a quite different lifestyle, in a much better way, than we had before.

I bit the hand that could feed me for a long time- til I finally surrendered.

I hope you can listen and sort through the advice and thoughts and sincere help we're all trying to give you. Like you asked us to do....
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Old 05-31-2018, 01:18 AM
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8/25: you’re on a handful of meds to keep you sober.

Credit your HP if you want.
It’d be more apt to credit your psychiatrist.
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Old 05-31-2018, 01:44 AM
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Believe it or not people are trying to help.
I pushed them away too. I was very good at that.

For what it's worth I'm on meds too - there's probably very few of us older folk who aren't.

If you're adamant that there's no real recovery here, then there's not much I can say to change your mind DD - but you definitely remind me of old me - all the insouciance of a main whistling, throwing lit matches into in a gas filled room, just to see what might happen.

D
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