MindfulMan

There's are many reasons why I drank. Complex trauma, internalized homophobia, maybe some of that maladaptive coping.

At the end of the day I just didn't give a damn about any of it. Drinking NEVER improves things other than very temporarily allowing you to seek oblivion from whatever anxiety you're feeling at the moment.

I like your thinking on the 4 weeks DD. Once I got out of rehab at 5 weeks I had a fighting chance of staying sober, because I began to see the benefits start to accrue. But that alone wouldn't have been enough to keep me out of the woods. I had a plan. It worked.

Dude, you're really bright and think too much, and are probably an NT type in Meyers/Briggs land. I get it, that also describes me to a T (pun intended). You are a thinker, you like intellectual problems, and you like to argue for the sake of arguing, for the sake of the intellectual challenge. That's great.

It ain't gonna get you sober. Not for good, anyway.

I think you treat this as a bit of an intellectual sobriety exercise and not an actual life goal. So you stop, see how long it lasts, get a craving, and cave. Then try and make a new map.

Stop trying to eat the menu.

By all means try the antabuse or catapres or whatever your pleasure will be. Or a combination. It can't hurt.

I would not be surprised to see you stop again, for 4 weeks, maybe longer, at least. And then you'll relapse, and we'll be sitting here commenting on your NEXT scheme.

Just do it dude. You so have this.

(This is Timmo being encouraging. You should see me when I'm an a-hole).

But seriously, just do it. Turn that intellectual ability on to a more interesting problem than drinking. I'd far rather talk bodybuilding and SARMS with you anyway.

Morning Glory

12 step recovery and "the recovery movement" and all the other names you refer to as "recoveryism" etc.. are OFF TOPIC in this forum. That doesn't even necessarily mean bashing. It's OFF TOPIC. Repeat offenders will now be banned.

tursiops999

Hi DD

I don't have experience with using meds to quit, so i can't help there.

I do have experience with wanting to quit, while simultaneously still desiring alcohol. For me it was about choosing a side.

And therein lies the rub. In my experience, as long as i left the door open, even a crack, to future drinking, then i was guaranteed to drink again.

Once i decided to shut that door, no matter what, then i think just about any approach to sobriety would have worked.

I do hope the meds or other approaches buy you some breathing room in which you can make the choice to close that door... if freedom from alcohol is what you want.

lastchance77

DD, my experience with meds: after many years of addiction to a variety of substances, booze held on to me the longest. I took Antabuse which helped give me some breathing room and get used to being sober. I still take one if my thoughts begin to romantise the idea of drinking. I’m at 110 days and feeling good. Im researching AVRT which seems to fit my ideologies. I don’t think I’d have made it this far without the help of meds.

lessgravity

DD - my concern is that you'll find a way to intellectualize yourself off the meds. So much of your high-level analysis simply comes down to wanting to keep drinking more than wanting to remain sober. There's much talk of what constitutes "hitting the bottom" here - and I've come to realize that it's a matter of pure subjectivity. I realize I hit my bottom - in that I am convinced to the marrow of my psyche that the choice not to drink is a life-long choice that, even if there are fleeting doubts/cravings etc, I have already made.

But I think it comes down to values. At 41 I see the rest of my life as very, very finite. I want to do something for my Self, my family and with my life that has meaning. Simply put - if I drink I will not be able to try and accomplish that which I am driven from within to try and accomplish (still working on exactly what that it, but that is part of the work). I value bringing peace and meaning to my Self more than I value whatever the alcohol might bring.

I think I am finally becoming an adult. I do not know that you have worked on getting to that level of maturity. Have you?

daredevil

So, getting an appointment with an addiction psychiatrist will take several weeks, so I haven't booked it yet. And now that I think about it, I'm not exactly sure I want a diagnosis of alcoholism on my medical records (I've been relatively open with my physician, but that's different: going to an addiction specialist for alcoholism would have to be documented as such).

In the alternative, I was thinking, since I have a longstanding relationship with my neurologist (who is also board certified in psychiatry), that I should make an appointment with him. He's not an addiction guy (as far as I know, and I haven’t seen in a long time). The meds won’t be typical aversion drugs for alcohol, but more like things I’ve been prescribed in the past (an antidepressant and a low-dose benzo, years ago).

lessgravity

I don't see any response to my post there, DD.

JeffreyAK

Just curious, who are you worried might see such a diagnosis on your medical record, other than other doctors? I'm not sure that fear makes enough sense to justify not seeing the right people who can help you the most and prescribe what they think will help, not just what you think you want them to prescribe. All part of doing whatever it takes to help make your approach succeed.

I have quite a bit of history on my medical record, including long periods of outpatient treatment, but for what it's worth I've never seen any negative impacts from it. The most that ever happened is, my GP might ask if I'm still sober, and I say yes, and she checks the box.

daredevil

lg: like you, the drink hinders me from maximizing potential. Time is a commodity and it was being wasted... subjective rock bottom, as you said. I doubt, however, were I proffered medication, that I would misuse it. That would be a true indulgence in self-sabotage.

JeffreyAK: that’s a good point; it’s more of a matter of convenience and familiarity; it would be easier to get in to see him. Also, I know that when I was on that particular combination of meds, the drink wasn’t an issue.

fini

" So, getting an appointment with an addiction psychiatrist will take several weeks, so I haven't booked it yet."

yeah, i have done stuff like that: not made an appointment because it takes so long to get one.
which is about as illogical as it gets, since this just means it now takes even longer
if an appointment takes a long time to get, it is fastest to have booked it yesterday.

MindfulMan

Unless you're career plans include running for public office, becoming an air traffic controller, or requiring a top secret security clearance, I wouldn't stress over it.

As an aside, there was a guy in my inpatient rehab group that was an air traffic controller at a major urban airport. He had ways to beat the random drug tests and landed planes whacked out of his gourd on prescription opiates.

And I'm flying tomorrow...

There was also a cop. My friend is a nurse and was using intravenous dilaudid at work...an actual Nurse Jackie.

tomsteve

when i foubd out the mole on my back was melanoma and instructed to contact the u of m cancer center, my first appointment was 4 weeks out.
beings how it was a life and death matter, it was wise for me to take that time spot.
first surgery was scheduled for 6 weeks out. being a life and death matter, it was wise to take that time spot.

dd-this is a life and death matter- take the time spot you can get.

tyler

I know I hesitated discussing addiction issues with my doctors for a long time because I didn't want to be "flagged". Because of this my doctor will not prescribe benzos for my sometimes severe anxiety. Pot and alcohol are my primary drugs of abuse, but if I am honest with myself, there are times that I have abused prescribed benzo's in the past as well.

While this can make dealing with the anxiety challenging, it is something I work on with my therapist. I know that for me, it was my "addictive brain" telling me that I shouldn't be honest with my doctors because I might not get what I really want, which is to get high.

I'm not really sure if this is the same situation as you or not, but I suspect it is. I also, as is well documented on this site , WAY over intellectualize most everything, especially my "addiction" issues. Nobodies ideas are as good as my own, or if they are, there are many arguments I can make for reason's not to do them. I still struggle, not as much as in the past, but something always keeps me from taking that final plunge.

The thing that has helped me the most is regular therapy appointments. My therapist is very good at challenging me, but not pushing so hard that I obstinately refuse like a 3 year old!! Ironically she has absolutely no experience in SA, but fortunately I have plenty. It is certainly not lack of knowledge that hold me back, just the will to make changes. This same lack of will permeates many other parts of my life as well, so by working on changing that behavior it is helping with the SA part as well.

Just a little food for thought.

daredevil

I called several, in all, and while I can see one in the next couple of weeks, none take insurance.

I'll get in to see my neurologist in the next couple of weeks. I'll tell him I've been drinking a little bit more than I should. It's no big deal in the greater scheme of things.

All I have to do is abstain, which I've been doing, and I'm good to go.

ScottFromWI

Re-read that once and then put it in context with the rest of this thread. Then pretend you are reading it as an outsider and how preposterous it would sound.

lessgravity

Whats up DD?

daredevil

I wasn't trivializing the drinking.

It doesn't make a difference in the greater scheme of things whether I see an addiction specialist or a neurologist also board-certified in psychiatry (a plunge I'm still a bit reluctant to take).

I've got a full week behind me, and gaining momentum.

dwtbd

"I wasn't trivializing the drinking. "

Perhaps you literally should, trivialize the crap out of it.

You don't seem like a person being comfortable allowing yourself to engage in inane and banal activity.

GerandTwine

Hi dd,

Another Big Planner popped back into SR today. If you have not already, I recommend checking out DD’s thread at https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ere-light.html (A Very Dark day but there is light..). Reading just his posts is a great story.

He had a family to help love him into permanent abstinence. You don’t. But that doesn’t mean you cannot quit for good now. You are knowing love with it’s deeply sensational ups and downs as you report your GF “dumped” you. Well, we all know downs are also opportunities. All the best on getting past all of this and creating a family of your own.

GT

lessgravity

Nice work, glad to hear you are going strong sober.