Where I am at (Not a good place) LONG
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Where I am at (Not a good place) LONG
I'm sure that this is one of these posts that I will totally regret making. I have had a couple of drinks, I have also vaped some pot and taken a gram of Xanax. This is more or less what I have been doing every night for the last week or so. Don't bother telling me about the health risks of mixing Benzo's and alcohol, I am well aware of them. So to sum it up, sobriety out the window, not wanting to start again in the very near future, but know that this is not a sustainable situation for more than a week or two.
I am very interested about learning about "the big plan". I am not a trustworthy person. Holding a sincere promise, truly committing to not drinking/using ever again, for real, no matter what. That seems very F'n impossible. But if somehow I could manage it, the boost to my self esteem would be amazing. I can actually do things I promise myself and others!! Maybe it seems silly, but I really think this could be more of a key to life change than just sobriety.
The thing that started me off the rails was a discussion I had with my ex-wife. We have been divorced over 14 years. We share a amazing 17 year old son. She has always stood by me and tired to help me in any way she could, but when it got to the point where she had to make a choice between me and him, she chose him, as she should have. We have an amazingly good relationship, to the point that she lets me stay at the house so I don't have to pay for a hotel that I could rarely pay for. I should mention that neither of us has been involved in any other relationship since we started dating at age 19. I am 49 and she is . I always knew that at some point I would get my $hit back together and would be back with the love of my life. The problem was I never made any permanent changes. I just kept f'ing up.
So I told her that I was still in love with her. I didn't expect her to necessarily return that feeling, but I knew that she obviously cared for me and if that was the best relationship we could have, after all the things I have done over the years, I was still pretty darn lucky!!!
She basically said that though we would always share a bond, we would never be together as a couple, it wouldn't be the best thing for either one of us.
Sounds great, right?? Logically that is how I feel. But the heart is in a different place. All I could do was obsess about it, feel sad, beating
myself up for Pi$$ing it all away, Eventually the idea came to me that if I had a drink these feelings would go away, and guess what? They did! I know this is not a sustainable solution to my feelings. I saw my therapist today and though she is not an SA person, she has some ideas of things I can do that would help me with the root of this problem. I did not want to see her today, I did not want to tell her about my embarrassing behavior, but I thought it was good progress that I still went.
Thank you to those of you who have made it this far in this drunken ramble. MG if this post is inappropriate in any way, please delete it. For any who would like to offer ideas or comments, please do. I am logging off now, but will still read. I promised myself when I came back this time that I would never post here in an inebriated state. Guess I broke that one as usual. Anyway, that's where I'm at, not a great place
I am very interested about learning about "the big plan". I am not a trustworthy person. Holding a sincere promise, truly committing to not drinking/using ever again, for real, no matter what. That seems very F'n impossible. But if somehow I could manage it, the boost to my self esteem would be amazing. I can actually do things I promise myself and others!! Maybe it seems silly, but I really think this could be more of a key to life change than just sobriety.
The thing that started me off the rails was a discussion I had with my ex-wife. We have been divorced over 14 years. We share a amazing 17 year old son. She has always stood by me and tired to help me in any way she could, but when it got to the point where she had to make a choice between me and him, she chose him, as she should have. We have an amazingly good relationship, to the point that she lets me stay at the house so I don't have to pay for a hotel that I could rarely pay for. I should mention that neither of us has been involved in any other relationship since we started dating at age 19. I am 49 and she is . I always knew that at some point I would get my $hit back together and would be back with the love of my life. The problem was I never made any permanent changes. I just kept f'ing up.
So I told her that I was still in love with her. I didn't expect her to necessarily return that feeling, but I knew that she obviously cared for me and if that was the best relationship we could have, after all the things I have done over the years, I was still pretty darn lucky!!!
She basically said that though we would always share a bond, we would never be together as a couple, it wouldn't be the best thing for either one of us.
Sounds great, right?? Logically that is how I feel. But the heart is in a different place. All I could do was obsess about it, feel sad, beating
myself up for Pi$$ing it all away, Eventually the idea came to me that if I had a drink these feelings would go away, and guess what? They did! I know this is not a sustainable solution to my feelings. I saw my therapist today and though she is not an SA person, she has some ideas of things I can do that would help me with the root of this problem. I did not want to see her today, I did not want to tell her about my embarrassing behavior, but I thought it was good progress that I still went.
Thank you to those of you who have made it this far in this drunken ramble. MG if this post is inappropriate in any way, please delete it. For any who would like to offer ideas or comments, please do. I am logging off now, but will still read. I promised myself when I came back this time that I would never post here in an inebriated state. Guess I broke that one as usual. Anyway, that's where I'm at, not a great place
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
we're the only group of people I know who, when they finding themselves in a hole, they dig deeper.
I too mourned lost loves and wasted years - and I obliterated myself time and again to try and get over those things.
But we never do - getting wasted is avoidance - it's not dealing with anything.
We just push the hurt aside for a while (if we're lucky) but it stays there, red raw and so we have to drink/drug some more....
I wasted 15-20 years that way. I dunno about you Tyler but I'm at the age where I can no longer take it for granted I have 15-20 years left....not good ones...I mean I hope I do, but who knows.
I spent a lot of years missing out on things cos I was faced back towards my past.
When I finally quit getting wasted, my health - physical and mental got better - I found peace and contentment, and against all odds I found new love.
I don't know what the future holds for you sober but I wish you the same good things I've found
I can say with certainly tho - if you keep drinking and drugging things are not going to change..... except get worse?
D
I too mourned lost loves and wasted years - and I obliterated myself time and again to try and get over those things.
But we never do - getting wasted is avoidance - it's not dealing with anything.
We just push the hurt aside for a while (if we're lucky) but it stays there, red raw and so we have to drink/drug some more....
I wasted 15-20 years that way. I dunno about you Tyler but I'm at the age where I can no longer take it for granted I have 15-20 years left....not good ones...I mean I hope I do, but who knows.
I spent a lot of years missing out on things cos I was faced back towards my past.
When I finally quit getting wasted, my health - physical and mental got better - I found peace and contentment, and against all odds I found new love.
I don't know what the future holds for you sober but I wish you the same good things I've found
I can say with certainly tho - if you keep drinking and drugging things are not going to change..... except get worse?
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 3,109
Hi tyler,
This is your Addictive Voice telling you you aren't capable of trusting yourself. My AV used to tell me that too. It used all my past failures as examples of why I would never be able to quit. It told me that it was in my DNA. It had me believing that sobriety was only for other people - but never for me - because they had something inside them that I lacked.
All lies.
The BP is a promise that anyone can make and that everyone who quit for good made. And you can too, anytime you want to. The AV gets easier to recognize after making a BP because it's so obvious against that commitment to never drink/use again. AV is any thought, feeling, or image that suggests future drug or alcohol use.
Even the idea that AVRT is very complicated and has to be figured out just right for it to work is AV, because in reality all you have to do is not drink and recognize thoughts contrary to your plan not to drink. It's easy. But your AV would love for you to think it's hard and will present it as a life long struggle so that the partying will never really be over.
I am very interested about learning about "the big plan". I am not a trustworthy person. Holding a sincere promise, truly committing to not drinking/using ever again, for real, no matter what. That seems very F'n impossible. But if somehow I could manage it, the boost to my self esteem would be amazing. I can actually do things I promise myself and others!! Maybe it seems silly, but I really think this could be more of a key to life change than just sobriety.
All lies.
The BP is a promise that anyone can make and that everyone who quit for good made. And you can too, anytime you want to. The AV gets easier to recognize after making a BP because it's so obvious against that commitment to never drink/use again. AV is any thought, feeling, or image that suggests future drug or alcohol use.
Even the idea that AVRT is very complicated and has to be figured out just right for it to work is AV, because in reality all you have to do is not drink and recognize thoughts contrary to your plan not to drink. It's easy. But your AV would love for you to think it's hard and will present it as a life long struggle so that the partying will never really be over.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2015
Posts: 2,572
Hi Tyler, i read your post, and some of your other posts, going back 16 years. I'm at a loss for what to say ... i'm sad for you because i do feel there's a better, happier life available without drinking and using. I would wish that for you, but it requires a choice. I do wish you peace.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: Chester, UK
Posts: 684
I empathise with you Tyler and I'm sorry to hear you're in so much emotional pain.
The only practical thing I can say is perhaps ask yourself if drinking really does take those feelings away. I used to drink in expectation that it would but I found that it never did and that this was simply something that I got from films and the societal image of the guy drinking his problems away. But ethanol does not have this power, being a mere chemical.
I think you need to settle on a relationship with your ex-wife that you are both happy with and I believe that such a relationship is possible if you stay sober and so build up trust again, but you need to separate this issue from drinking. They are not related and thinking that they are will only lead you to drink more.
The only practical thing I can say is perhaps ask yourself if drinking really does take those feelings away. I used to drink in expectation that it would but I found that it never did and that this was simply something that I got from films and the societal image of the guy drinking his problems away. But ethanol does not have this power, being a mere chemical.
I think you need to settle on a relationship with your ex-wife that you are both happy with and I believe that such a relationship is possible if you stay sober and so build up trust again, but you need to separate this issue from drinking. They are not related and thinking that they are will only lead you to drink more.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 1,183
Tyler, I'm sure I'm just pointing out what you already know: All that ex-wife stuff is just a rationalization for you to drink and drug. Drinking and drugging won't help any of it, and in fact it'll make you unhappier than you already are, over time, even if it dulls your emotions for the time being. You can pay now, or you can pay a lot more later, but you will pay. 
How about making a little plan? Don't drink or drug for 3 days and see where you are?
How about making a little plan? Don't drink or drug for 3 days and see where you are?
Behold the power of NO
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: WA
Posts: 7,764
Hi Tyler,
Well, life doesn't always get our way, there are frustrations, setbacks and challenged. You can see those as an excuse to hide in a bottle or you can chose to face whatever life dishes out your way sober and see it as an opportunity to grow.
Ultimately, the choice is yours.
Well, life doesn't always get our way, there are frustrations, setbacks and challenged. You can see those as an excuse to hide in a bottle or you can chose to face whatever life dishes out your way sober and see it as an opportunity to grow.
Ultimately, the choice is yours.
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by tyler 
I am very interested about learning about "the big plan"... if somehow I could manage it, the boost to my self esteem would be amazing. I can actually do things I promise myself and others!!
Originally Posted by tyler
Maybe it seems silly, but I really think this could be more of a key to life change than just sobriety.
Originally Posted by BillieJean1
Even the idea that AVRT is very complicated and has to be figured out just right for it to work is AV, because in reality all you have to do is not drink and recognize thoughts contrary to your plan not to drink. It's easy. But your AV would love for you to think it's hard and will present it as a life long struggle so that the partying will never really be over.
Originally Posted by JeffreyAK
How about making a little plan? Don't drink or drug for 3 days and see where you are?
I would recommend a little plan for not getting hammered until having completed the free AVRT crash course and having read through the RR book. Three days should suffice.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2018
Posts: 675
Not only is it hard (pretty much impossible) to process anything emotionally when you're drunk.. but by staying drunk you are re-affirming to yourself that you deserve to feel sad and rejected.
I'm not saying that getting sober will fix the relationship with your ex-wife (although it might, you never know) but you will start to feel immensely better about yourself and deserving of a healthy and happy relationship.. and life in general for that matter. Focusing on your mistakes and negative self-talk usually just leads to more mistakes. You can do this, do it for yourself and the rest will follow..
I'm not saying that getting sober will fix the relationship with your ex-wife (although it might, you never know) but you will start to feel immensely better about yourself and deserving of a healthy and happy relationship.. and life in general for that matter. Focusing on your mistakes and negative self-talk usually just leads to more mistakes. You can do this, do it for yourself and the rest will follow..
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
Sorry for all the drama. Just wanted to touch base with everyone. I talked to my doctor this morning and he thinks I am having a hypo manic episode, which makes a lot of sense. I am on my way to see him now. He says I may need to spend a couple of nights at the hospital to get things leveled out, but we could decide when I got there, so I may be out of touch for a few days. Thanks for all of your thoughts and concerns
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by tyler
Sorry for all the drama. Just wanted to touch base with everyone. I talked to my doctor this morning and he thinks I am having a hypo manic episode, which makes a lot of sense. I am on my way to see him now. He says I may need to spend a couple of nights at the hospital to get things leveled out, but we could decide when I got there, so I may be out of touch for a few days. Thanks for all of your thoughts and concerns
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Dublin, Ireland.
Posts: 739
Tyler, I hope you know that you can post here even if you're not in good shape.
We'd love to hear from you.
If you went to the hospital, I hope you got yourself leveled off.
But talk to us when you can.
I had a very bad drinking episode a few years back and went to work the next day because I really had to. I was posting via my phone the whole time and my comrades on S.R. had wonderful words of advice for me.
Especially when I had to go collect a young person from a police station while my body rattled. I could not have done it without the support from here,
We'd love to hear from you.
If you went to the hospital, I hope you got yourself leveled off.
But talk to us when you can.
I had a very bad drinking episode a few years back and went to work the next day because I really had to. I was posting via my phone the whole time and my comrades on S.R. had wonderful words of advice for me.
Especially when I had to go collect a young person from a police station while my body rattled. I could not have done it without the support from here,
Not all better, getting better
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: The Beautiful Inner Banks of NC
Posts: 1,702
I am coming off of a pretty bad manic cycle. Everything is OK, I did not have to go to the hospital.
My therapist thinks that in being so active here maybe I was avoiding dealing with my own situation. For awhile, at least, I am going to stick to reading and responding to basically my own threads.
Just wanted to let everyone know I'm ok.
Tyler
My therapist thinks that in being so active here maybe I was avoiding dealing with my own situation. For awhile, at least, I am going to stick to reading and responding to basically my own threads.
Just wanted to let everyone know I'm ok.
Tyler
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