waking up
 

Beginning to realize what an ass I can be and appreciate the people who put up with it. Looking forward to treating others with more respect and trust.

Hello celandra, that's a great thread title and post!

I would add, don't forget to treat yourself with respect and trust! I've found that everything I feel is inside, then I can project it out. Had I not forgiven myself for my horrendous misdemeanours against others, and forgiven others for their transgressions against me, then I'd still be here, drinking and stewing in regrets and resentments...instead of being happily sober for nearly 14 months.

well said

I kept returning to booze because of all my self loathing about past actions. Finally, am forgiving myself and realizing the most important thing I can do for continued sobriety and peace of mind is be awake. When the urge comes, I remember how bad the last drunk was and breathe out for a bit. Seems to work most of the time. Taking a walk in the woods and hearing the forest sounds helps too.

like your name

Awake, I did that too, I called it self-flagellating. I'd sit there, recalling and reliving my past regrettable actions, beating myself up....whilst drinking and as I drank, the recollections would become more vivid and I'd drink more. It was almost an obsession, like I was wallowing in self-pity, but not enjoying it, if that makes sense.

Forgiving myself was central to stopping drinking, because I knew if I didn't forgive myself, I'd simply continue the beating myself up and drinking loop.

Being awake and living in the now, being aware of any automatic, repetitive negative thoughts that arise, and allowing them to flow away on the river of consciousness, is key to my peace of mind. Although I'd practiced meditation for years, until I really became aware of the ingrained, habituated thought patterns from which I suffered (to include the AV and also negative self-talk, fear and worry) I didn't realise what a hold they had over me, how I was being tossed around on a tumultuous sea of damaging thought.

Once I became aware of the 'thoughts' which constantly crop up and then dissipate, it's only when I become entangled with the thoughts and 'think' about them, that I suffer. In order to not suffer, I notice the 'thought' dismiss it and carry on with my life. I am the person who observes the 'thoughts' as in if I decide to sit down and plan how to deal with a problem, I am me, the 'thinker' but if the problem 'thoughts' keep relentlessly pestering me, when I don't want to 'think' about them, then I can notice the unwanted 'thought' and dismiss it.

entangled with the thoughts - that happened to me today. It's always hard to talk on the phone with my eldest daughter. (She suffered the most from my drinking) and as usual after speaking with her today about her children, my mind went immediately into crisis anxiety (if that makes sense!) But I slowed my breathing, remembered how pathetic I looked after my last drunk, and it subsided. Not easy, but my thoughts cleared up and I realized that it was good to be able to speak with her sober and actually be there for her. Work in progress....

Yes, crisis anxiety makes sense. Before I stopped drinking, I couldn't even answer the phone or make a phone call, without being under the influence of alcohol. Madness . I just keep detaching from those negative, self destructive thoughts...detach, dismiss, whatever I want to call it, but they don't rule over me anymore.

I'm glad your daughter is speaking to you and you are being there for her, sober, well done you!

All these negative thought patterns are a kind of miscalculation or misperception of reality in which we take all our good qualities for granted or don't even see them at all. And we can develop the habit of projecting onto others that they're OK and we aren't. I have a friend who does this. He's always praising people and I hate it when he does it to me.

Like you, I think that meditation can help heal low self-esteem by helping us discover that we have good qualities too, and it can help us move on from painful experiences like problem drinking that have made us forget that we have these qualities.