new here, old to the problem.
 

hi all

i didnt want to hijack someone elses thread but it does feel odd starting one.

short history: drinking most of my adult life, around 25 years. knew for a long time i was in trouble but finally managed to quit early 2014. stayed quit for over 2 years but for the last 6 months was heading for and finally did relapse.

i have been drinking with days off since around this time last year and keep tripping at the finality of 'never' and forever'.

reading around these boards, i had used a baby type of AVRT. and now im ready to do it again, but with more insight.

i have read this website, the RR website, ordered the book and made my BP last night.

i had kept thinking, i need to really want it, im not convinced i can do 'forever', even though i need to for this to work. yes, all AV.

I do really want this, IT doesnt.

thanks for reading.

Welcome back :)

D

thanks for the welcome Dee.

phoenix, um, what?

Welcome back to the community. Enjoy your best time now. lol

Wildwood
Welcome aboard! Great decision on making a BP! Hope the book arrives soon , in the mean time have you checked out the threads here in SC , the thread in the stickies is a great place to start.

Of course 'never' is going to scare the crap out of the Beast( it is the biggest no-no word it has, "never say never" the mechanics of addiction).

Quitting, never drinking again ever, is the plan and the plan is diametrically opposed to the Beast. The AV ( the doubt in the plan and your ability to remain abstinent is the raison d etre of AV, ITs sole function). The plan is a good one and You Can Do It, another bit of good news is that we only ever exist and operate in the present moment the "Now" . I assume right now , this moment you are not putting alcohol into your mouth and probably even this now, yeah?
We only exist or do Now we dont' 'do' 'forever' all at once, the Nows happen and add up, you can do Now , yeah ? The AV is rattling you by suggesting you are doing 'forever', you aren't because you literally can't , no worries though, Now is totally doable , yeah ? :)
wish you well and hope to see you around

this was my last hurdle. it had pulled the wool over my eyes, making me think i didnt really want to stop. the first time i read the crash course i knew that was the deal breaker. reading it again after a month, i knew that it wasnt. for me.

when i quit before it was the same. so i did ODAAT. it worked, until it didnt.

seeing the 'never say never' the first time i didnt really get it. then i did!

welcome, Wildwood,

I find never to be a much easier way. ODAAT feels like every day I have to make that commitment again...... my AV would wear me down over time. When IT starts squawking never is the only thing that shuts IT up.

Welcome Wildwood! Glad you found us :)

Welcome! This board is so educational. Tons of knowlege here!

i have realised why people were welcoming me back. i should clarify. i used the knowledge that i had an av, and separation to quit. and then last month, read here and on rr more about it and where i had gone wrong.

ive not joined this forum before though i was on another one during my quit.

ive been fannying about for about 6 months on this quit and i have had a mindset change at last!

im a service user of a alcohol addiction charity and ive just had a phone call to tell me that they have withdrawn the weekly counselling. i had previously managed to line up counselling through the NHS and that was restricted to 6 sessions and was totally pointless, so i was relieved when i was told by my key worker at the charity that it would be for as long as it took.

my counsellor (who they dont pay) was told it was restricted to 6 sessions though she managed to extend that to 12 and we just carried on after they hadnt responded to her emails.

so now they are pulling the plug.

im upset about this as i know i have turned a corner. i was due to see her on wednesday so she called me tonight to tell me its off and why. that explains why my keyworker called out of the blue this morning to arrange to see me tomorrow. a keyworker who i have barely seen in the near year ive been in their care.

ho hum.

Hi Wildwood, and welcome. I can definitely understand you being upset at them pulling the plug -- thinking you had counselling lined up and then have it pulled away abruptly. :headbange

That being said, since you have read the AVRT stuff and made your BP, you really have everything you need to quit permanently. This problem with the counseling need not derail you, and any thought otherwise is AV.

I'm not discouraging the counseling at all -- I hope that you're able to access counseling and any other supports to help improve your life. I would just suggest that abstaining from alcohol does not depend on that-- you can go right along with your BP no matter what they do.

There are some great threads here with a ton of good info -- maybe check out the stickies at the top of the secular forum? Also feel free to post your thoughts and questions -- there are lots of good folks here who will support you.

i was reluctant to go to an addiction centre and get sucked into it all, but they offered counselling so i did it. after i quit, i knew i had to do something about myself. about how i react to people and them me. get some awareness.

i have been going to group meets where addiction isnt really talked about, certainly not by me, and i was strongly encouraged to attend either smart or AA, which i wouldnt do.

when i eventually started seeing her i was surprised she wasnt an addiction counsellor, turns out i dodged a bullet :c011: i felt that addiction wasnt my problem, i was.
shes leaving anyway so i was only going to have two more sessions with her at the most. it makes no real sense for them to do this as i wasnt taking up space. i could really do with a final session so they dont end suddenly without any conclusion, IYSWIM.

tursiops, i will not let this take me back. lucky it happened after i had made the decision! its up to me how i react to this, the decision makers are just bean counting but this makes no difference to them at all. they are doing it by their book (which has been rewritten to only 6 sessions since i started them).

As far as therapy goes, it often seems to change about for no apparent reason!
Well done on making a BP, best thing I ever did, convincing myself that never is actually a great word when applied to my alcoholic beast thinking .
To start it was a mantra, especially in the early days, now it's an automatic thought process and reaction.
Practice putting the beast back where it belongs!
As for anxious future thinking (fortune telling) The power of now by Eckhart Tolle really helped me to focus on the present moment and not get dragged backwards and forwards in time through the my thoughts and feelings.
Welcome to the boards

RR is a powerful ideal when it's logic sinks into your head. Knowing that drinking thoughts are coming from our lower animal brain and not "us" is a freeing concept. You can do this if you want to.

saw the keyworker and she didnt mention it at all, so i did. according to her, the email to my counsellor did not say 'stop' or anything like it. so, they both say the opposite of each other. key worker said she would double check the email and contact the counsellor and call me. i said i'd wait. i asked to see it and she batted that question away. funny, its about me but none of my business. she checked and said it said nothing of the sort.

so, i dont know what to think. a woman from the group also sees her but hasnt heard anything from her about her next appointment. really sounds like shes stopped counselling early and blaming the addiction centre for it. or, the keyworker has got it wrong. either way i havent heard back as i knew i wouldnt.

av was nagging at me all afternoon and evening and didnt shut up til i went to bed. and started again when i woke up. i was telling myself 'its like im starving or something, im not!' it clicked, IT is, haha! starve you bugger!

Starving's a good word because the Beast's desire for a buzz is an artificially exaggerated survival drive and if IT's in control you'll choose drink even over food and life.

But while IT's starving, you are happy not drinking - the real you is the you who made your Big Plan and you would not have made it if you didn't mean it.

just had the counsellor on the phone and im in the middle of office politics. neither of them are coming out well, both blaming the other and covering their backs and im getting trampled under their boots. i have lost trust in her. these people chose to work in a 'caring' industry. gawd help us all.

av is loving it.

Wildwood, how are you doing? Therapy did me a lot of good. It took a while to find a good therapist. My last one was actually an intern. He knew his stuff and we were really on the same page, even though some of it took me two years to see! Did you ever explore SMART?

thanks shock. counselling has been cut off. it feels like i was in the middle of a sentence and dragged out of the room.

i had a meeting (not AA) at the addiction centre today and i heard IT everywhere. one had her daughter visit 'as long as she didnt drink', she did. she then had her son angry at her because she drank again. she was so upset as to why she did it, she knew the conditions, but drank anyway. i thought yes, the beast wants to isolate you so did it in the biggest f*£k you way possible, youre all ITs now.

another has been drinking then od'ing on paracetamol and being hospitalised. she eventually said its because they treat her with care and attention. i doubt that but its what she can get, she'll take it. she also mentioned she has been going to AA for 22 years. what? hows that working for you then?

another, had 'been doing well' but after 6 weeks sober she relapsed big time. 6 weeks is her time to relapse. her parents are paying for her to go to rehab.
a few of them then started saying they were going to AA tonight and a few more said they would love to go with them.

another that her meds had run out because she had been abusing it so picked up. then the next day. and then the next. but only because her meds had run out.

what did it make me think? im not as bad as them. i know what they dont. why dont they get off the merry-go-round. yeah right. im sitting there too. i havent quit yet. im no better. i dont know enough. im still on that merry-go-round.

i have the RR book and am reading it carefully, with notes and bookmarks. clever me eh? reading it is making the AV go nuts, and i have trouble ultimately separating it. i suppose awarnes of that is a start. i can see it in myself and others but that sometimes i believe i am agreeing with it and saying 'when i finish the book' pure AV.