My ultimatum and my guilt
 

Hey everyone,

I'm new here but I'm so glad I've found this. I'm 32 but I've been doing drugs since I was a teen. I was introduced to crack cocaine as at 14 by my mom's abusive bf. I've done it on and off ever since but it's never really been a problem till now. I've used for the better part of the last 2 years but I'm usually never the one to initiate it.

I live with my mom who is also an addict and she usually buys it. I can't say no when it's around but I never have the urge to get some, especially when she's out of town or gone for awhile.

Here's where my current desperation and guilt comes from: Two days ago I decided to give myself a hypothetical ultimatum. I told myself, and my mom and sister, that if I use again, something bad would happen to my 11yr old son. I'm not religious or superstitious but this really had an impact on me. I've never put his life on the line or dragged him into my failed vows to quit. I did it thinking that this would somehow help scare me into real change.

It worked. Last night my mom started using but I fought temptation so bad and even fell asleep with my son instead. I woke up and she was still going. I could smell cigarette in the house. So I left home and ran errands in hopes that she'd be done by the time I got home. She wasn't. That's where my willpower broke. I used a little. Now, because of my ultimatum, my guilt is heavier than I've ever felt. I don't know what I'd do if anything were to happen to my son. I know I'm overthinking, being irrational, and not giving myself credit for at least winning the battle last night but now I'm scared that there's no going back.

I just really need help talking myself out of this guilt and perhaps a little push of encouragement. Not using last night was a huge accomplishment and I'm confident I can do better now, I just need to know it's going to be ok and that my son will be ok even if I did slip a little.

Thank you so much to anyone who takes the time to help.

Hi and welcome Rob - I think a lot of us over the years have used some form of the bargain you struck yourself.

Nothing like that worked for me because I could always talk myself round and convince myself that it wasn't real...noone would be really hurt ....especially if I just did a bit...

I'm not sure if you posted in the Secular forum on purpose, but I'm going to assume you want a secular path to recovery. SMART Recovery is a meeting based approach that works for a lot of people, as does another method, LifeRing.

People who've used those methods maybe able to chime in and help you there, or you could Google them.

You'll read a lot about a technique called AVRT in this forum too - it's about recognising and dismissing that rationalising voice that makes it 'OK' for you to use.

It could be very useful to you.

It doesn't sound like your current living arrangements are great for you, or your son.

It doesn't mean you can't get clean and stay that way = but have you any chance of moving at all? :dunno:

D

Thank you. Yes, I'm definitely looking for a secular path to recovery. I looked up LifeRing and SMART but couldn't find anything local here. I'll start looking into the AVRT threads too.

As for my living situation, that's the hardest part. I currently have no way of moving out so I know this isn't going to be a battle to recovery, it's going to be a psychological war. But I'm going to do all I can to get stronger and get out asap. I'm so tired of losing so much to this.

Welcome, Rob. Sounds like you are ready to make some changes. Peace.

Like I said, it's a challenge but I believe you can stay clean and sober anywhere in any situation with the right support :)

D

Welcome.

No advice for the guilt. But wanted to really suggest SMART recovery. Its chuck full of tools you will use for the rest of your life.

Check out their website. They also have a forum.

Actually, I do have a small suggestion, and that is to focus on now. As one who lost a well paid job and his family due to alcohol and drug use, I know the feelings of regret and guilt all too well.

It's a sickening feeling. Almost palatable. Obviously it's strong enough to motivate you to ask for help. Your post, as just about every "I'm new here" post, sounds desperate. Normally, it's a desperate plea for help with addiction.

Your post however, is emotional as it relates to the ultimatum you placed on yourself. Which, obviously does seem to have some effect. At least in the short term. At the end of the day though, Dee, as usual, is right. Ultimatums don't work. SMART recovery will.

And one of the many tools I learned through SMART, is to focus on now. What's done is done. When the thought enters the mind, don't allow yourself to think of it. Instead, focus only on your breath. Take three deep and slow breaths with your eyes closed. Open your eyes, and take note of your surroundings. Look at the sky, if possible, so you get a sense of the bigger picture.

Do that every time that thought enters the mind, and it'll go away on its own. This technique helped me overcome my guilt.

Why do you use crack, Rob?

I'm not trying to be clever, but you say you don't want to use crack, and yet you keep using it.

Why do you think that is?

Rob, it sounds like your home circumstances aren't particularly conducive to stopping, but that's no excuse. I'm sorry that your mom is using - BUT you owe it to yourself and your son to stop. You can't help your mom, she'll stop if and when she's ready and I do hop she does.

But returning to you, Rob, you can stop now thereby give your son a better role-model than you received from your mom. Sorry if you find that offensive, but it's reality. Rob, please stand up and be the man that your son can be proud of. Hugs to you all :grouphug:.

Nothing will happen to your son as a direct result of breaking your vow, as in no magical ill will befall him as a direct result of using that specific time...but the caveat is that he is and will continue to be harmed greatly by your using. I know this first hand, as it became a very real possibility of losing my children due to my drinking. It is said that one cannot get clean for someone else, but your child's well being can certainly be a real impetus for change.

As suggested, read around here and learn techniques for quitting for good. The AVRT threads are excellent. You can do this.