Putting the Beast back in it's place
 

I can't believe I was whining a couple of days ago on a thread about how I couldn't stop drinking for good, because guilt for past drinking, was stopping me!
I know I'm new to AVRT again, but the shift in thinking is amazing.
I can call the sentiments I expressed about guilt in another post "the whine of the Beast" now.
I SHOULD feel guilty, I acted irresponsibly. But that isn't the reason I went back to drinking time and again. I went back to drinking, because the Beast wanted alcohol to gain pleasure and I gave it.
My guilt, will be dealt with by me It's a seperate issue from wanting a drink. I feel guilty because I went against my own moral code of what I believe to be right.
If I had never drank in my life, and did something that I knew to be the wrong thing to do I would feel guilty, that's what guilt is! And I wouldn't dream of thinking of doing the same thing that made me feel guilt in the first place, to relieve that guilt!

Right, that's enough belly-button gazing for one day. Off to spend the day with my grandbaby and have a good time.

Sainos, I hope you enjoy your day with grand baby!

I too found it useful to attach a morality issue, albeit painful. But once I'd researched the bio/neuro basis of addiction and acquired the knowledge that I had an inbuilt power to quell the addictive drive; and live my life as the Beast's master and not it's slave. Then at that point, to not put that power into action, would've been wrong and against my morality.

I'm newly recovered and can attest to the relief I felt, the joy and excitement, that I was free, so long as I recognised the AV.

Presently, it's screaming that 'you're a loser because you wasted so many years drinking'. It's a joke, what it really wants is to berate me so that I become depressed and waste more years drinking. Ultimately kill myself, if I let it! Well that's not happening, it's views are summarily dismissed, no more white knuckling and fighting with it. IT may have a voice and feelings, but I no longer listen to IT.

I'm so pleased to read of your progress, thrilled for you.

sainos, I read your post in the other thread about how reading so many books about people's drinking histories left you feeling more inclined to drink. I had a similar reaction. To me staying focused on alcohol gave it more power and presence in my life. In order to get sober and well I started what I felt was forward motion and momentum. I too, was ecstatic to realize that I was completely in control of this one thing in my life...how many things can we really say that about? And to realize I was completely in control of what was harming me meant I could say "no more, never again".

The first year was like being in a relationship with a new person, I rediscovered so many things about myself that I had abandoned for a liquid in a glass. I could plot a course again and steer my own ship. I focused on the world that opened up because I put the bottle down. I had a sense of expansiveness. I got my dignity back.

Saying "no more" meant I stepped out into the sunlight. The possibilities that opened up were endless, it was like being granted a reprieve from the gallows. I look back and shudder, the hopelessness of trying to grab onto something that was killing was the bleakest time in my life. I can look at myself in the mirror now, I never worry that I said or did anything that I don't remember, and the benefits of sobriety continue to astound me.
sorry, i just realized I posted this in the wrong thread, I meant to respond in your other thread. :)

Jaynie, I love your post, you've articulated so well the journey that I've stepped over the threshold of. I feel like a child in a sweet shop, albeit in a middle aged body! I have potential and power for the first time in a very long time.

I feel as though I 'met' you on the AVRT main thread. Your posts were so real, so powerful and intelligent, as you asked and questioned.

I'm so glad that you're still here, spreading your wisdom and I truly wish that more newcomers, on the 'newcomers thread' would visit this part of SR.

AVRT is like cyanide to the Beast, and their Addictive Voice is almost certainly telling them to do anything and everything except to actually quit drinking or using for good, and to learn how to stick to that decision. This includes not venturing down here, where their Beast knows, or at least suspects, that it will have nowhere to hide.

"Never say never to the possible future use of alcohol and other drugs" is the cardinal rule of addiction itself, and AVRT is the learned skill of catching yourself in the process of changing your mind after finally doing the obvious, and deciding to violate that cardinal rule. What self-respecting Beast would want to allow that to happen?

Bingo! Bravo!

I was stuck in this particular AV Möbius strip for too long. It would chime in with "You shouldn't have to feel guilty about all that time you wasted drinking, or all those problems from drinking. You need some drinks to cope with that guilt."

It still tries the old game sometimes.

Thanks Tatsy for your post. Guilt, I think now, isn't such a bad thing. I didn't know then what I know now, I had everyone telling me I couldn't do it on my own, and I did every treatment program they directed me towards, and they never worked, because I did everything but give up drinking, because I thought that wasn't possible until I had fixed everything that was wrong with me and the more I went into that can of worms the more twisted it got!
Guilt like I said isn't a bad thing, it means I know I have things to make up for to the people I care about. DWELLING on that guilt, is BEAST activity.

Jaynie
Yes I realise now that hearing of other peoples struggles with drink does not a jot of good for me. It didn't stop me drinking, and half the time gave me an excuse to go out and drink more. I think the BEAST was listening intently. IT picked up a lot of tips, from meetings, like ingenious places to hide the stuff, places I would never have thought of. IT got me to downplay warnings from the doctor, cos there were always people who had much worse things wrong with them, and they got better once they stopped drinking. And the av always promised that "one day" we were going to give up drinking, so it didn't matter what damage my body took in the meantime.
Being around poeple who look agast at how much I could drink, is much healthier for ME than people who would say "I drank twice as much as that, at least" my BEAST loved those people!
Your description of your freedom, is wonderful :)