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Hi, I'm Creekryder and I'm an Addict...

Old 09-01-2016, 10:08 AM
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Cause no harm
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Hi, I'm Creekryder and I'm an Addict...

It's hard to believe that it has been over a year since my last posting. I have relapsed, started over, relapsed, started over. Just when I feel like I have got it made, then come a crash. Looking over the past few months, at least I have more attempts at sobriety than previous times. But I seem to lack the true drive to stop. Maybe that is the advanced stages of my addiction. Even when I do drink, it is not as copious amounts as in earlier years, but even one or two drinks is enough to keep the cravings alive and well.
This weekend is going to be a challenge. I am alone for two days and a wedding and reception I am obligated to attend. The resolve is there but very faint. It is important to retain sobriety, that is fully recognized. But it seems to easy to forget and plan on just doing it tomorrow. Tomorrow is only a concept and not a reality. So I buy into the lie far too easily.
So I, again, return as the prodigal son I have been for years, looking for me to forgive myself and find that reserve to stay clean. I even considered attending an AA meeting, of which I am not an advocate. But I just feel like being around a bunch of sober drunks. Birds of a feather sort of thing.
Thanks for listening to my pity party. Just felt like rambling.

—Peace
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Old 09-01-2016, 10:49 AM
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welcome back, Creekryder.
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Old 09-01-2016, 11:30 AM
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Hi creekryder! It's really good to see you again! I remember you from December 2014 class!

Today's a new day and the perfect time to commit to quitting. Forgive yourself, latch on to that tiny bit of resolve, and move forward! Don't waste any more time waffling....life's too short to be in such limbo, dude! Grab on to sobriety and start truly living!
xo
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Old 09-01-2016, 11:31 AM
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It's nice to see you back.
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Old 09-01-2016, 12:43 PM
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Hi Creekryder,

You must have so much life experience and so much to share. As you said, you "have more attempts at sobriety than previous times." That's a positive. Yes? I don't want to be "that person," but do you think you could do the wedding, step over to the reception just to show your good cheer and then call it a day? Wedding merriment w/drinking is so hard to resist, it seems.
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Old 09-01-2016, 12:55 PM
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Glad to see you back!
Best to keep on keeping on
Do you have any tools or tricks or plan that may help you through this wedding sober??? I think it is wise to have a plan for success, if you must go.
If nothing else, maybe bring an ipad or cell with accessibility to SR ... so you can reach out for our support there
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Old 09-01-2016, 12:57 PM
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I say,
Find a way to renew and strengthen your resolve.
Develop a solid (yet simple) Recovery Plan.
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Old 09-01-2016, 03:07 PM
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Now is always the best time
The max number of obligated participants at any wedding is like four, including officiating and witnessing. That said, the AV is the only thing that claims such an event is special and unique enough to produce some kind of magical power that causes drunkness. Attending with the conscious idea that you are depriving yourself and missing out doesn't sound enjoyable, but going and not drinking is certainly doable. Nothing wrong with leaving early rather than later. And nothing wrong with developing a 'dead battery/ car trouble/sudden onset flu' , you only Have to be obligated yourself and your better interests.
Wish you well and hope to see you around
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Old 09-01-2016, 04:11 PM
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Hey, you were from my 2014 class. Welcome back!
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Old 09-01-2016, 04:30 PM
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Good to see you P

I may have said this before but I'll say it again.

I eventually accepted I could drink, or be the person I wanted to be. But not both.

I know you're a guy big on honour and duty P. So am I.

I had to accept I was not living up to the high principles I wanted to while I was drinking.

I'm still not who I want to be sober, but I'm a heck of a lot closer - and I can look myself in the face in the mirror and sleep ok at night knowing that.

D
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Old 09-01-2016, 07:16 PM
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I had just written a lengthy reply, but through "divine" intervention, it disappeared before it posted. Thus you have been spared from my drivel.
This will be shorter and to the point. Thank you all for the warm welcome back. I would expect nothing short of that from this site. Kindness and compassion can always be found here.

I plan to spend my alone time before the wedding event in the cockpit of a kayak. Tomorrow night, I will be nestled in my hammock by the time the sun goes down. Saturday morning I leave for the wedding and reception. I have made it clear to my AV, I will, under no circumstances, partake in any alcohol. Plain and simple. No excuses to anyone and should someone ask, I will just say I don't do that anymore. That should send my AV over the edge.
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Old 09-02-2016, 12:54 AM
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Welcome back Creekryder.
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Old 09-02-2016, 03:12 AM
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The proper mindset is like having an extra paddle when headed up any creek
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Old 09-02-2016, 04:20 AM
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My AV didn't and still doesn't care if
im trying to live a sober life or not. All
it cares for is to satisfy its own selfish
needs. My AV in other words is called
my 'stinkin thinkin'.

I can say all I want to hush it up but
until I actually do something, put into
action, then it will continue to drain
me of a sober life I want to live.

I had to actually drive myself to
meetings, call my sponsor or someone
who understands addiction and could
give me some healthy affective
suggestions to take and use seriously
in order to put my 'stinking thinkin'
in its place, to rest or out the door.

For me to wander or walk around
others drinking pretending that
im cool that I cant drink normally
is absolutely insanity to me.

If I had to attend a function where
alcohol would be flowing, then in
order to protect my recovery and
peace of mind, my car would be parked
close by so I could make my quick
appearance and haul tail to it and
breath a sigh of relief that my stinkin
thinkin didn't get the best of me.

Those that have been successful in
their own recovery for many yrs was
and still is what I have always wanted
and would and will go to any lengths
to get, protect, be responsible for it
by all means.

Action for me means to adhere to
all that was taught to me, passed on
to me and to not just think about
it.

It has worked for me because I
have and still work my AA program
of recovery all to the best of my
human ability.

Of course this is my own ESH
that I continue to pass on.
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Old 09-03-2016, 06:50 AM
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Heading out for southern Missouri and the wedding. I really despise weddings and funerals, so I attend as few as possible. Both are extremely personal experiences I tend to leave for the immediate families. Wakes, I attend. Must be that Irish comin' out.
Anyway, on the road, full of determination, and I know I'll be ok. I'll be in touch later tonight or tomorrow to tell how it went.

—Peace
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Old 09-03-2016, 07:08 AM
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Creek,

You may know the crave lies in our emotions. We defeat it w analysis.

Unfortunately, analysis doesn't make us happy.

So, it can be a constant struggle between crave and analysis.

This causes anxiety. This causes a living hell. We are not happy. Then we relapse.

This is how I go about my day. I know this is going on in my head.

We as humans want to feel needed or strong in some way. This makes us happy. Helping folks...here or AA, doing projects...wood working, playing a sport...even bowling...., being busy...2 jobs....etc. etc.

Lack of the above plus idle time equals potential relapse.

The world according to D122y.

Thanks for the post.
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Old 09-03-2016, 09:22 PM
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Also don't forget that you learn from your relapses. Perhaps jounal when they happen, what you were doing, what stressors you and anything you can think of.

Although an addict myself, in recovery I met and almost married an alcoholic and this type of journal is exactly what I'm writing so I won't get back into that horrible relationship.
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Old 09-03-2016, 10:00 PM
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Hope things worked out P

D
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Old 09-04-2016, 09:05 AM
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Let us know how it goes, brother!
xo
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Old 09-04-2016, 03:45 PM
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You never write drivel, P. I'm so happy to see you back.

Do keep us informed as to what went on with the events. Hope you have an enjoyable time. Please hang out with us for a while - it does help. You're never alone.
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