Fusion

Oh MesaMan, just wanted to post a very quick reply, amidst my tears, in case you're still reading. I'll post more soon.

But what you wrote, oh it bore into my heart. Your photo, in the past I've often visited Skye, before the alcohol took over; it turns my soul into, what, roses and yes, rainbows. I love that place.

Anyway, I can't justify you with a proper response, presently, because I feel so emotional, in a good way. As Arnie, says, I'll be back!

dwtbd

don't
want
to
be
drunk
dwtbd, when I first found SR I used it as an imperative(it didn't trip off the fingers easily and I had to concentrate on typing it) , telling myself not to want it any longer, now after having found AVRT and ended my addiction, with a resolve to never again let it be, it's a simple homey declarative
I hope the tears signify a release and a joy of new found freedom.

Fusion

Hello MesaMan, thank you for the Jethro Tull song and rainbow photo! I really appreciated your response to my previous post. The road less travelled is sometimes difficult to traverse. Rock and rock geocaching sounds fantastic .

For many years I'd promised myself I'd return to Scotland and tour; retracing my youthful tour. So your post set off reminiscing. It was a fantastic trip, no booking ahead, no real route, just stopping as the fancy took us, locating accommodation, staying a while, then moving on. Highlands and island hoping. It was an idyllic summer (apart for the midges). I rarely drank, the occasional glass or two of wine, when eating out. As I reminisced I concentrated on the involvement of alcohol in my life, at that time. It was peripheral, negligible. I had no g-d shaped hole to fill by drinking. Years later, after a number of adverse events, drink was used to dull negative emotions.

I've never been capable of revisiting and touring Scotland, because Drink is effectively ruining my life and I'm a prisoner. I refuse day excursions, pursuits and hobbies, in favour of drinking all day, every day. It's madness. Yet, if I stop drinking and recover; it is possible I can pursue some long held dreams.

I'm glad I bought the RR book because it also serves to deprogram folks who've been exposed to step programs. I still had residual thoughts that I'd failed, not the step program; therefore this deprograming was beneficial.

I'm just stuck in the physical dependence/possible dangerous withdrawal trap. I'm ready to make a BP, truly committed, yet I seem unable to reduce below one and a half bottles of wine, only to and increase upwards once more.

But this week, that changes as I'm armed with AVRT, and will ignore the AV that derails my taper and I will make it work.

Many thanks for your support.

Fusion

Hello Dwtbd, I love how your title is a reinforcement of your commitment! Perhaps I should alter my name to something more affirming of my BP, when made.

Reading your posts, always so upbeat, determined, supportive- instills in me a greater belief that I CAN DO this. Despite previous failures, and being made to feel that I was a failure and inadequate, this time is different, using a different technique which is known to be effective.

Many thanks for your support. .

dwtbd

It's as if one day I came to the edge of a giant cliff. There were people on the other side encouraging me to jump across to the other side, they assured me it'd be 'okay' , that they Knew I could do it. I wanted to be on the other side , but part of me was scared to risk the jump , I didn't really believe that I could do it , wanted to believe it, but didn't believe it 'all the way down'. Something was pushing me toward the edge , it felt like either way I was going to go over the edge, the only choice was falling off or trying to make it to the other side.

I took the blind leap the encouragement offered and wound up other side , surrounded by the others , surprised I was able to get over the chasm. Then I realized why they said they Knew I could make it, looking back the cliff was only I line I had to cross, a simple step. The chasm , the chance that I would fall was an illusion, just a creation of the AV. The illusion is only there at the edge, going (or coming) across to their side requires belief that you Can make it across, and once there you realize why they know you can, but looking back the illusion is that it is only a line, easily traversed. Once there it is a cliff not just a line, no guarantee that you will make it back to the other side 'safely'.
Best to take the leap cross the line and move forward away from the edge, forward and Onward! I KNOW YOU CAN, if only because I did and for far too long I 'believed' I couldn't.
I sincerely hope your taper is going well, but please consider that we live in wonderful times as far as medical/biological technologies and professionals, drinking and all of the volitional(and nonvolitional) aspects are quite different from the physio/biologic/medical conditions associated with bloodstream chemical levels and their amelioration.
wish you well and hope to see you around, a la MM Nothing Sucks Forever, (well ok maybe the stuff of the horsed quartet) but This isn't one of those and surely doesn't Have to

fini

Tatsy,
the AV doesn't derail your taper; you do.
this time is only different and the technique can only be efficient if you use it. actually put it into effect. there is no way around you having to DO.

Fusion

Dwtbd, I'm so grateful for your post. It was uplifting, inspirational, descriptive, just so awesome.

So, I obviously cannot taper, because I'm addicted. I appreciate your advice regarding withdrawal medications, but if I'm to resurrect my career, albeit rather late, I cannot have that on my records.

I'm to stop, cold turkey and accept the consequences, I have no other choice. Hopefully, I'll come out the other side. I absolutely know that AVRT will work for me. I just need to stop drinking, stop this ridiculous tapering, that I'm unable to sustain; then make my Big Plan.

I've no psychological, spiritual, psychiatrist deficit that requires redressing, as far as I can see. If I do notice one, once sober, I'll deal with it through the appropriate channels.

Thanks to everyone that's posted on this thread. If I survive cold turkey, I'll be back and announce my BP date. Hugs to all.

freshstart57

That's AV. Of course you will survive, it's only the addiction drive that is saying you can't do this.

That's the good stuff right there, Tatsy.

Now is not only a good time, it's not just the best time, it's the only time. Take the leap and jump. It is the right thing to do, and as you know, it's the only thing. The good news is that there will be no regrets. I hate regrets. And you will wonder why you waited so long to perform this death defying act.

Onward!

Fusion

Freshstart, that's amazing. I've just posted a heartfelt post and you responded instantly,!

Your post feels like a huge hug of support. I cannot thank you enough. I know I can DO this, but to receive your support (not the usual condemnation regarding folks who choose to stop drinking without attending a professional detox) is priceless! I have researched, I have taken vitamin supplements and I have a blood pressure/heart rate monitor. I CAN DO THIS!, Thank you once more Freshstart.

freshstart57

Tatsy, now go and do. Dump out all your alcohol. Get rid of the empties. No more analysis paralysis. Quitting can be as simple and quick as this.

Have a big drink of water, and go for a walk to see the new world you are entering. And be gentle with you.

Keep posting, OK?

Fusion

Thank you Freshstart and everyone who has written on my thread and given thanks of support. I'm a slow learner......reflecting over some journals, I've been tapering periodically for years. Also, researching addiction neuroscience for years; therefore I fully accept that AVRT will work, if applied correctly.

So eventually I've reached the conclusions:

1. Tapering doesn't work for me.

2. Recovery groups don't work for me.

3. AVRT will work for me, as I accept its underlying rationale.

So what exactly have I been waiting for? A bolt out of the sky, a booming voice, providing me with the wisdom to select the right time to out my plan into action? The only time I will ever have is NOW.

All day yesterday I contemplated the action I was about to take. The finality of it, no drink, ever. My AV was petrified, a quivering mess. Throwing up excuses, celebrations - champagne, sailing - wine, hill walking - craft beers in front of log fires on and on and on, blah, blah and more blahs.

I simply replied, I have not had a couple of 'pleasurable drinks' as you suggest for well over a decade. Because I'm addicted to alcohol, I no longer sail, hill walk, make excuses to avoid celebrations, knowing that I'll make a show of myself. I turn down all engagements and I'm effectively a recluse. The AV still persisted, arguing that I could moderate, I told it to get real. I explained the neuro-science, when you habitually drink excessively, the brain is altered and although abstaining will create new brain paths due to neuroplasicity, the remnants of the old paths remain. Riding a bike or horse, for instance. Decades after the last ride, you'll be a little wobbly at first, but soon resume at your previous competency.

I mentally replayed some of my most despicable moments under the influence; coming out of black-outs, not believing what I'd done. IT eventually scuttled off.

But no more arguing and reasoning with IT. I entertained its protestations yesterday, more to bolster my confidence that I'm making the right decision., that I cannot ever drink again.

Yesterday was the last drink day. I'm not expecting easy withdrawals, but I'm prepared and also have the CIWA-r sheet to check symptoms.

So, I've made my BP. I'm hugely apprehensive, but also a little excited and believe me, excitement isn't an emotion I've felt for a very long time.

Once again, to everyone who has supported me on this thread, thank you for giving me the confidence to make this decision and then enact it.

GerandTwine

Hi Tatsy,
Do you sense a difference between making a Big Plan before completing a self-administered CIWA-r plan; and making a Big Plan after completing a self-administered CIWA-r plan?
GT

Fusion

Hello GerandTwine, I can't believe you just popped up! I tried to edit my last post, unsuccessfully, to add my thanks to the contributors of the six-part AVRT thread started by Terminally Uniqueness, of which you were one of those I was thinking of as I tried to amend!

I came across AVRT some years ago. Did the crash course. It didn't work, because I didn't want to believe in it, didn't like the graphics on the website, disliked his off topic thoughts on the site and at that time I didn't know more about the neuroscience underlying it etc.

It was only after reading the AVRT thread, together with the AVRT sticky post written by Freshstart, that I took a closer look. I came upon all these self-evidently intelligent people, who attested to its effectiveness. My previous AVs excuse that the RR website was amateurish, therefore the technique wouldn't work....'look at the professional websites of the recovery group movements, so they must work' was blown out of the water; against the backdrop of my step work involvement.

My intuition had told me for a long time that I had the resources within me to stop this addiction, I had tragically assumed a stance of learned helplessness and deficiency.

This has all become clear to me over the last few weeks and I'm indebted to the owner of Sober Recovery for allowing a platform for RR and AVRT. Plus JT, after reading his book, the de-programming was effective and necessary for me.

I hope I have the right answer to your question! The fact that I made my Big Plan before starting self-detox with the aid of the CIWA-r, proves that I have confidence that my abstinence will not be dependant upon any outside scenario, i.e., I need a self-medicating alcoholic drink because my symptoms are worsening. My BP is made and I no longer drink. No matter what.

To recount an event whilst tapering a couple of days ago. I put off the first drink until my hands shook badly in the afternoon and I also felt extremely anxious. I usually have the first drink in the morning

I opened the self-medicating tapering can of lager (yuck) and literally, within seconds, my hands stopped shaking and the anxiety dissipated and I felt relaxed. I was astounded. I then realised how powerful the AV is, that it has access to not only your voice and imagery, but also physiologically. Needless to say - I didn't drink the can until much later, when my shaking hands and anxiety were physiological and not psychological. That was such a learning curve for me.

Thank you for responding to my thread, I hope I answered correctly, but if not, I'd appreciate your response.

GerandTwine

Then, I don't understand your purpose of having a self-administered CIWA-r plan, which, as I understands it, includes the strong possibility drinking some more with the risk of serious health problems if you don't.

After making my Big Plans on several different addictions, I found it impossible to use the present tense about drinking/using some more, as you have done.

GT

Fusion

Thank you GeraldTwine, I should've clarified that I'm administering the CIWA-r with a view to seeking medical assistance, should withdrawal symptoms escalate towards the point of danger. I shall not use alcohol for a tapered detox, because I no longer drink it.

Yes, you made a good point, I must be vigilant regarding diction. I USED to take the first drink in the morning.

tursiops999

How's it going, Tatsy?

Fusion

Oh thank you, Tursiops, that's so sweet of you to ask after me. It's been rough, really rough. I've watched some pretty eventful scenes when I close my eyes. None are scary, really, no crawling insects, thankfully. Some floating red devil like heads and monochrome beautiful scenes. I found them strangely comforting, in that they were being purged from me. Not that I'm religious, in any way. They've stopped now. I feel calm. I can't describe it, save for I can't imagine ever drinking again. It's weird, not what I expected, struggling a little with the withdrawals still, but I feel quite elated.

My blood pressure and heart rate both increased, somewhat alarmingly. But I utilised a technique I discovered, where you slow your breathing so that you breath in and out just four to six times a minute. Although difficult, that very act, will reduce your blood pressure. It certainly worked for me.

Amazingly, whilst in the throes of withdrawal yesterday, I booked a six hour underground cavern extreme experience........as a focus, going forwards in my new life. Therefore I need to get fit over the next month or so. It's a commitment, I've not made a commitment for such a long time.

I can't explain it, other than to say that I've been released from the shackles that kept me stuck in alcoholism for so long. I also booked a concert! This is a new lease of life for me. I'm so grateful to all the folks on this thread and the others I've previousy mentioned.

Plus today, whereas I'd usually drink all day, as my husband cut the lawns...I actually helped him! He was amazed! It's as though a switch has been flipped in my head!

I'm so grateful that the withdrawals weren't worse. I attribute it to tapering (up and down) and taking vitamins over the last few months since I joined SR. So glad to be here. I believe the worst of the withdrawals must be over, time wise. I simply can't believe I've finally stopped! So, so, so relieved. It feels like a new lease of life.

MesaMan

.
Fantastic!

Hold those Thoughts. Replay that Serenity, and sense of release, as req'd.

As Sobriety becomes your New Normal, the Epiphany you've experienced can act as a Moat to protect you against encroaching false Recollections of being Drunk having been a desirable State.
.

tursiops999

glad to hear you're OK, Tatsy. Please keep posting!

GerandTwine

Your AV wants you to forget that you committed to your Big Plan.

I can believe it! Welcome back to humanity. It's really a lot of fun.

GT