JustFine

Still very much sober. I have been working a lot but in 3 days its vacation time, YAY!!!! My mood has perked up quite a bit and i am starting to feel normal most days. Not sure how many days i have but i do know its over 100.
My daughter and i remain on the same terms, my mom is having some scary issues health wise and my brother is back to drinking nonstop daily however I remain sober. Just wanted to check in.
Jess

JustFine

Off to a sober vacation... 4 months ago that would have seemed stupid. Now it seems relaxing...

dwtbd

Enjoy!

JustFine

It was nice... back to reality on Monday though. Vacations go so quick....lol

JustFine

I guess its been about 5 months now....i have been good. I am even attempting to get off this stupid medication my doctor prescribed because i dont feel like i need it anymore. Actually he agrees with me that my mental health is way improved just by being sober. Overall life is pretty great. Happy Holidays to everyone!!!!
Jess

tursiops999

Happy Holidays, Jess, glad to hear you're feeling well.

soberlicious

Hi Jess! xo

JustFine

Hey SL-
Glad to hear from you. Have a wonderful holiday season.
Tursiops- you also.... thanks for the well wishes and right back at you.

JustFine

Feeling good at over 6 months sober now....i have beast activity here and there. Not as ad as the first few months. Im so happy to be sober most of the time though that its minimal at best. Life just got easier and less dramatic minus alcohol. Im grateful for every boring day.... lol

Dee74

good to hear JustFine

D

tursiops999

Glad to hear you're well.

JustFine

Been better.... last few days beast activity is super high. Not sure why because I started working out again and am always busy with work. Just been a tough few days. Maybe it was the super bowl or maybe just my beast at work.... who knows. Think I will go read some RR for awhile. Any other suggestions?

tursiops999

I'm no expert ... but I will say that my beast activity seems somewhat unpredictable to me.

One thing I have been working on is just ... acceptance. I've been focusing on the fact that detecting the presence of beast activity doesn't mean I have failed in any way, or that I have any kind of a problem. On the contrary, if I am recognizing it, perceiving it, then I'm doing AVRT right, and I'm a success. AVRT is a method for staying sober despite the presence of residual desire.

Once I've recognized it, I try to take a moment to observe it directly, and actually accept it (oh, there it is!). I guess sometimes if it really bugs me I might do something to distract myself (take a walk, or watch internet cat videos or something). But it doesn't matter -- I've already done the hard thing and the important thing just by recognizing it.

And like you say, reading RR can help remind me and refocus me. Posting on SR never hurts either!

Algorithm

This sounds rather expert to me, Tursiops999!

I like the take on acceptance. In the recovery community, acceptance usually means accepting that you are powerless over the Beast, which must then be "treated" away somehow. In AVRT, we instead accept the immutable Beast, and don't worry about removing it.

It's just there, as you say.

JustFine,

You may welcome the Addictive Voice as a sign of health, a sign that there is nothing wrong with you at all. Provided that you recognize the AV as "IT", as the Beast talking, and not you ("I"), the AV will not be able to get a foothold in your thinking.

It is just left-over neurological junk at this point, and you may accept, as Tursiops suggests, that it cannot hurt you. It can't even wiggle your fingers. It can only pretend to be you, and plant ideas of drinking. Just recognize IT, and stay in your right mind.

"There IT is again, and IT may want to drink, but I never drink, or even want to drink, since that desire is not mine, but that of the Beast. Too bad for IT."

Maintain that separation, though, because if you start thinking that AV nonsense is your own thinking, then you may get tempted to do ITs bidding, or debate with the AV.

The Beast won't change its agenda, and a debate with the AV is kind of like white knuckling, and Ms. Beast, Esq., will interpret the opportunity to debate as a negotiation on the terms surrender (more drinking).

flame11

Hi JustFine,
Neither am I an expert in anyway! But I too have been having a spike in my beast/AV activity the past few days, after a short period of very little activity. For instance, when I finished my run the other night it piped up with ' see you can still run, you must still be quite fit, what have you been making all this fuss about? You'd be fine to just have a couple now and then, you would handle it better this time' yeah right! IT doesn't understand that I'm able to run because I haven't been drinking for quite a few weeks now, IT doesn't realise that I wouldn't be able to do the activities I enjoy if I drank.
Last night I read through the thread that I started, (some of it was abit cringy for me to read) but there is loads of good stuff on there about the presence and absence of AV/ beast activity, I found it helpful.

Algorithm

The Beast may understand that you would give up other activities by drinking, but it simply does not care, since that works in its favor, by allowing for more free time to fill up with more drinking. To your Beast, your good health is simply a commodity to be cashed in for the only worthwhile activity there is -- drinking.

I find it interesting that your AV suggested that "you would handle it better" this time, though. It's almost as if your Beast is trying to counter an "I can't drink" mentality, by suggesting that you could drink. You counter with "yeah, right!" which is also interesting.

I may be splitting hairs here, but do you still view drinking alcohol as a possible choice, if only you could get away with drinking, by any chance, or can you see that the choice has actually been removed by your Big Plan?

"I will never drink again" = "I will never choose to drink again"

With a Big Plan, the Option to choose to drink has been removed, and the choice effectively made redundant. AVRT is not a "daily decision" kind of deal. That arrangement would work in the Beast's favor.

Just some random thoughts.

flame11

Hi Algorithm,

I can see what you're saying about a 'I can't drink mentality ' in my post. It kinda looks like if my beast suggested the right idea I might go for it. I can assure you that that is not the case. When my AV suggested that i might be ok to experiment with drinking again i seperated, just as i do everytime IT rears ITs ugly head, I didn't think anymore of it at the time. In my post I was trying to convey that I had just finished a run which made me feel great, and the crafty beast tried to use this to convince me I would be ok to try experimenting with alcohol again. JustFine said that she was working out and keeping busy, but still had alot of AV, I was experiencing the same thing. Having AV activity is not a game changer I don't care what IT says, when IT says it or how often, im a non drinker and that's not up for negotiation ever.

JustFine

Thank you all. I think its true that its a sign of a healthy brain for sure I think it caught me off guard because I had been feeling so "normal" and then on the way home it was just yapping away in my ear.... "never drink again? Thats silly. Come on now... dont be so extreme". You all know how the beast sneaks in and just whispers in your ear???? Then I start with the relapse anxiety and get all upset. Its all just a part of being a sober alcoholic I guess but, just lately I feel like I am missing something.

Fusion

Hi JustFine, yes I know the Beast whispering in my ear. It said such things as "never drink again? That's silly etc. " just like yours. But, after struggling all last year with the AVRT concept, it was only after building myself up and learning it thoroughly, and fully absorbing the fact that the Beast hasn't the ability to make me do anything against my wishes - that I had the courage to make that decision, draw that line in the sand and make my Big Plan (I will never drink again and I will never change my mind). It was the most frightening thing I've ever done, because I knew I meant it and I knew it was the only way, to exclude the possibility of a relapse. Once made, the Big Plan, I couldn't go back on my word to myself.

For years, every single day I'd say, in the morning, after drinking the day prior, 'never again, I won't drink today...on,y to do so. But I didn't have the benefit then of AVRT. I'm trying hard to find the words, but it's similar to what MesaMan says "I never cheat on my wife, kick my dog or steal from my friends" I'm paraphrasing there. But the essence is, making a Big Plan not to drink, ever, became part of my moral fibre and code and from that point in time onward, it became easy to dismiss the AV for what it is - the Beast's voice (misdirected rogue survival drive seeking alcohol in order to make me feel better, whether happy or sad).

By making the Big Plan, scary as it was, it took a relapse off the table, and at the same time, that fact made stopping drinking forever, so much easier.

So, as a more than 20 decade daily drinker to excess, I finally came to 'my' senses and stopped listening to the Beast's wishes. I almost feel sorry for IT. Because it was only trying to help me, as our brains are wired that way, to seek to sooth us and enhance our life's, the pleasure centre. The Beast is just a contrived name to describe the normal drive for survival, anything that releases dopamine is considered beneficial to survival, so once we drank to excess the Beast was born.

Algorithm

This is the great myth of addiction recovery, that the desire to drink is bad, or that the presence of the AV is a warning sign of relapse. This is only the case if the AV remains unrecognized, and there is no separation.

It may help you to understand that relapse anxiety is itself the AV, predicting failure to abstain, which really means success at drinking. It's just the AV pumping the Beast's fear of deprivation at you.

Remember the AVRT Matrix?
There is another post about static time a little further down, which may help with confidence:
I believe that what you are possibly missing is that the Beast, and not you, is the 'sober alcoholic' feeling deprived. You simply never drink, or even want to drink. Only the Beast does.

Separate entirely.