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Old 08-11-2016, 02:12 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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I have been thinking about this thread for the last few days, trying to see some light that I can shed for you, JustFine. Congratulations on choosing sobriety - it is something of you that is yours, and it cannot be taken away, it cannot be diminished by others. It is a personal triumph and a treasure that can be yours forever.

As for making that decision to drink, I struggle to find something helpful. I haven't relapsed since making my BP, and that was five years ago. This isn't to say that I don't get those ideas. I stick to my game plan of never drinking again. It is recognizing the source of these self-destructive thoughts. It is identifying them as being outside of 'me', as 'ego-alien' as TU would have said. It is accepting their presence without emotion or judgement. And finally, my BP is to continue to move forward in my life.

I am getting too old to have many more regrets. That time is finished and firmly in the past.

So, Jess, maybe this helps you. I certainly hope so. I know you can do this. You deserve all the goodness that lies ahead. Onward!
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Old 08-11-2016, 07:42 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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GT- thank you for this. "it feels a quite rational to decide to see if it's possible to fit into the ninth percentile of drinkers in the USA, after two years of abstinence. If you had made the Big Plan of AVRT, you would have realized that disputing whether a belief is rational or not is NOT what Rational means in Rational Recovery, and you might not have had more to drink."
I did not truly have a BP or I would never have picked up again. It took everything I had to admit that I was Jess and I had chosen to drink. I was ashamed of myself... And wanted to just pretend it never happened. However, we cannot lie to ourselves and YOU have always been an inspiration to me. I have reread your post many times already and will do so more in the next few days. You have shared with me wisdom and insight that I cannot thank you enough for.
Fresh start- you have meant so much to me in the past and hearing from you makes me so happy.... And disappointed in myself.... But mostly happy.
I know I don't need any of you to stay sober but it sure helps to hear your perspectives.
Thank you so much for the wisdom and kind words. They mean a lot to me. More than either of you will ever know.
Jess

Last edited by JustFine; 08-11-2016 at 07:45 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 08-12-2016, 03:54 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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freshstart57 - thank you for your beautifully written post! I so relate to your words about getting too old for more regrets.
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Old 08-12-2016, 06:19 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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that's really rough, Jess, and i'm sorry to hear about the job and possibly losing certification. it sucks to lose what you've worked hard for, and what has meaning to you. on top of the $ and measure of security.
i didn't expect you to answer my question; it was rhetorical at this point; just something i asked myself a lot back in the days i kept going back to drinking and eventually took a different track away from.
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Old 08-12-2016, 08:33 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Well they actually did investigate and find me innocent of all charges. I go back to work after my scheduled vacation so that is amazing news
Fini-do you mind if I ask what track you chose? It is personal and you absolutely don't have to answer....
Thanks again,
Jess

Last edited by JustFine; 08-12-2016 at 08:34 PM. Reason: Spelling
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Old 08-13-2016, 08:51 AM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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don't mind at all, Jess.
i quit drinking in a moment of clarity, after numerous uncountable commitments, decisions and promises to never drink again ended up useless to me.
i grabbed that moment and ran with it. not drinking was easy after that, and continues to be easy.
after a couple of years of that and initially everything improving, though, i found myself in the place some call 'irritable, restless and discontent'.
i wrote about it here just yesterday: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...4-post483.html

i saw many many people return to drinking and get stuck there again, regardless of BP or other ways. i started to understand that the solution i needed involved something much different than just not drinking. and that if i didn't find it/get on with pursuing it, there was no reason to believe that in three more years or fourteen more years i might not suddely grab a drink, seemingly out of the blue. others did, and i had done it in the past.
i decided the AA route was put together by people like me for people like me, and i took it.

i'm very happy to hear you'll be back at work, Jess.
and hoping you'll find the way to get to that balance you were speaking of.
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Old 08-13-2016, 01:46 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by JustFine View Post
Well they actually did investigate and find me innocent of all charges. I go back to work after my scheduled vacation so that is amazing news
Fini-do you mind if I ask what track you chose? It is personal and you absolutely don't have to answer....
Thanks again,
Jess
Wonderful new Jess. I've been following this thread and wrote a long reply last night. Then as I in the kitchen my little dog decided the keyboard would be a fun place to rest and my post was eaten up.
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Old 08-14-2016, 08:44 AM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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The job.... Yes, I am very grateful! However, it made me think A LOT when I thought it was gone and my job should not BE my life. I work a government job and it is VERY demanding so..... BALANCE is going to be my new goal as to work.

Thanks Fini... I did read through and your post is quite insightful. I appreciate your help and support through this.

What has changed for me was when I finally decided to quit drinking after the last year of drinking again was I saw that the problem did not lie all in my drinking. It was in my attitude. Even sober I had become a materialistic, career driven, selfish b***h. I wanted more. More of everything. Drinking at first was quite difficult for me and for the first 6 months I was able to have one or two and leave it alone.... Of-course I was never not alcoholic. It just took a few months to return to being a binge drinking, self loathing alcoholic.... Lol!!!

When I woke up with my last hangover I had to ask myself what was really going on. I realized then I could not ever have the first drink and I could not continue to live the same way. I no longer liked myself. I no longer looked in the mirror and even knew who I was drunk or sober. For myself, personally the drink cannot be an option. I cannot allow my beast to take over for any amount of time and I must listen and recognize his voice vs my own however, not drinking is just the beginning. What about the rest?

RR never makes the claim to help with the rest....just the not drinking. The rest comes from somewhere within me. The journey began for me when I put down the drink. And the journey continues everyday. I like the support of this forum and I am glad we do not all think alike. I like hearing different points of view.

Shockozulu- I wish I could have read your post. If you ever have time feel free to rewrite it....
Jess
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Old 08-18-2016, 11:42 AM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Done moving. Not done unpacking or anything else just moving but, it's a start. About to have a month sober... At least that's what my beast tells me. He reminds me here and there that I should go ahead and drink. Why not? What's a month compared to years. I hear it... I ignore it.
Hope everyone is doing well.
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Old 08-29-2016, 06:01 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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5 weeks + sober. But who's counting. Going to bed early.... Emotions are all over the place but staying strong
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Old 08-29-2016, 06:24 PM
  # 51 (permalink)  
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well done, Jess! That's awesome. As I'm sure you know, those early weeks can be a challenge and it does get easier with time.
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Old 08-29-2016, 07:47 PM
  # 52 (permalink)  
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Things are picking up and your sun is beginning to shine a little more brightly, it seems. Very good!

When 'those' thoughts come again, and they will, sure as God made little green apples, let me make a suggestion or two. Slow down, and do a body scan in your best mindful way. Is your heart beating quickly? Is your breathing fast or shallow? Palms sweating?

Breathe deeply, and slowly and settle yourself in a quiet way. Now look to the Recognition aspect of AVRT. You don't need to fight, or ignore that beast. Instead, try to focus your awareness on it fully. Stare at it. Give it your full attention. Look at it sharply, critically, clearly. Do another body scan and settle again. Switch back to the R, and stare at your beast. See it for what it is. Another mindful scan. Do this a couple times.

If you do this, your urge will get smaller and less compelling until it dries up and blows away. You will remain: calm, serene, secure and confident.

You can do this, Jess. We both know it in a deep and profound way. Set your confidence in yourself all the way to 11. Onward!
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Old 08-30-2016, 07:10 PM
  # 53 (permalink)  
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Fresh start-
Thank you so much for that awesome inspiring post. Recognition is the key and and I love the "body scan and settle" idea. Very helpful and thoughtful. Cravings for the most part have been minimal but powerful.
Tursiops- I do believe my prior years of sobriety are extremely helpful. I try and remember that it is possible.
Thank you all so much for your kind words....
Jess
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Old 08-30-2016, 08:39 PM
  # 54 (permalink)  
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With Recognition remember it isn't a fight . The thoughts come but they don't represent an opening of an argument or a debate about an outcome. Recognize them , separate from them and dismiss them. And don't forget to breath
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Old 08-31-2016, 06:53 PM
  # 55 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by JustFine View Post
I do believe my prior years of sobriety are extremely helpful. I try and remember that it is possible.
When I quit for good and was still stuck in the Recovery Group Movement, it felt like stubborn obstinance was required to succeed in staying recovered. I felt persecuted by the status quo of "one-day-at-a-timeism", learned helplessness and a weird striving for powerlessness. I left the RGM decades ago. I did not, and even moreso today I do not "try and remember that it is possible". I simply "know that it is inevitable" that I will never drink again. I have a very relaxed and second nature fleeting Recognition of my absolute dominance over IT.

In reading and hearing "recovery dialogue" I feel a more time-dedicated resistance and desire to expose "Addictive Voicing" for what it is. I believe when someone makes a Big Plan, the Addictive Voice immediately becomes crystal clear in all varieties of daily experience, where before making the Big Plan IT was vague and ambiguous.
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Old 08-31-2016, 07:01 PM
  # 56 (permalink)  
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GT- nice catch on the beast speaking through me. ...."It is inevitable that I will never drink again." Thank you.
Dwtbd- always remember to breathe... Good advice. Beast activity is a bit high lately but "I don't drink now" and it's yet to be now so breathing and recognizing are key
Jess
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Old 08-31-2016, 08:08 PM
  # 57 (permalink)  
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It's always now
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Old 09-01-2016, 07:36 PM
  # 58 (permalink)  
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Dwtbd-
Always now, forever it will be now, and I never drink now....which means I will never drink again. No matter how much my beast is attempting to reason with me about it. Recognizing not reasoning.... Not gonna lie. Having a tough few days.
Jess
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Old 09-02-2016, 03:17 AM
  # 59 (permalink)  
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If just sending good vibes your way can help, then I'm trying . Hoping you have a better today and even better tomorrow.
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Old 09-02-2016, 07:34 PM
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Tomorrow back to the gym. Haven't been in months and it was a huge part of my sobriety so I figured a 3 day weekend is a great time to start. Thanks for the support dwtbd.... Good vibes go a long way
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