my story, the short version.

Old 06-15-2016, 03:01 PM
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my story, the short version.

I started getting drunk at 15, started habitually getting drunk at 18, started seriously trying to quit at age 21.

I had a counselor who directed me towards AA in Ithaca. I liked Ithaca AA, for the most part. I was able to put 30 consecutive days together at one point during my final semester of college.

it was about this time I registered on this Website - you can look through my posting history and get a glimpse of my struggles with alcohol.

moved back downstate to Long Island, NY. didn't like AA at all. meetings were much more 'fundamentalist'. Serenity Prayer in Ithaca replaced by Lord's Prayer here on LI. people took exception to the fact I didn't have a Sponsor - in fact one of them unilaterally declared himself my Sponsor. people took exception to my skepticism about the Disease model. etc

then I discovered SMART and AVRT as I started to learn more about addiction and recovery. I was able to piece together 63 days one time, 70 days another. by age 23 I was drinking a lot less, but would still get very drunk on the occasions I did drink.

the final drunk was Jan 29/30, 2015 - definitely a "bottom". I won't go into many of the details.. suffice it to say I was held up in an ER for most of 24 hours and not sure I would be allowed to go home or would be sent to inpatient mental health against my will, as it was my second time there in a year in similar circumstances. fortunately the staff shrink declared me sane and let me go home.

the memory of that night instantly killed the desire I have to drink. I live with two Disabled people, my family needs my help on a daily basis. due to the alcohol use I was (almost) put in a position where I could not help them. I had crossed some moral line within myself that it was finally, enough is enough.

anytime I have a feeling like "hey, a PBR would sit well in my stomach right now", which isn't terribly often, it's remarkably easy for me to recognize that it simply isn't worth it.

I'm not an AVRT fundamentalist in that I reject the "Big Plan"; the time and place may come for me to drink again, but it won't be so long as people I love and have cared for me are still here and need my care.

I also have more positive reasons for not wanting to drink. I've lost between 40 and 45 pounds since my peak, beer would always cause my stomach to swell up and lead to unhealthy eating binges while drunk.

so, I just wanted to throw my hand up, as somebody who is pretty well-versed in both AVRT and SMART, and I credit both with giving me the tools to realize I have the power to not drink. SMART's toolbox also has helped me deal with some other issues I have, ie, Depression and Social phobia.

look forward to chatting, if anyone would like. thanks for reading
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Old 06-15-2016, 03:39 PM
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Great recollection of your drinking past.

I relate to parts. I went to the hospital in 2012 after a night of boozing.

They kept me for about 10 hours to see how I would end up I figure.

Got a bunch of free, $8k, scam.

I quit because I started having random panic attacks. They were terrible.

Since I quit, no more attacks.

I use God, SR and Google for my recovery. I pray all the myself.

I was 80 days clean before found this place.

I long to feel normal...SR popped up.

Been to AA. No sponser. Just like minded folks that I can shake hands w and get a hug for hitting AA milestones. I believe in God, so AA is good enough for me.

Bottom line is, don't drink.

Stay clean and the rest will be fine.
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Old 06-15-2016, 04:04 PM
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Sounds like you are doing well. Bottom line is that you....and I have seen that taking a drink for us is just plain nonsense. Rationally, that is a fact and we have for now accepted it. Like you say.......don't know about the future. Glad you recognized this early on. Took a few years longer for me. As for continuing to stay sober to take care of folks you love, just remember there are lots of other folks out there that could use your love too and vise-versa. If we look at the wonders of the world, it is well worth staying sober just to love and appreciate our being fortunate enough to have the experience living.
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Old 06-15-2016, 06:49 PM
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'I had crossed some moral line within myself that it was finally, enough is enough.'

I mentally compartmentalized Drinking again adjacent to cheating on my Wife of 39 Years. Kicking my beloved Dog. Stealing a Pal's Wallet left out on the Counter just because he went to another Room. All unthinkable actions incompatible with my internalized Morals.

There simply isn't a future time any of these things could/will happen.

Relying on what I call 'Externals' wouldn't have worked for me; given my Genetic Hard Wiring. Meetings. Deities. Fear of a Criminal Record. Those Externals are just not the right inducements, or penalties. For me. Something occasionally lost 'round here is the inescapable Bottom Line that a Sobriety Program need only work for one Person: you.

I put my permanent Sobriety inside me; much like a Heart Pacemaker. Several Years in now [from Jan 2014], it really is permanent.

It's very liberating. Especially with the huge Population of support here at SR. The Ultimate Meeting available 24/7.

Thank you for your thoughts. You're one of us...
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Old 05-18-2018, 08:32 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
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OP here. it's been about 3 1/4 yrs now. reading my post above it didn't quite capture the whole "falling out of love" w alcohol - it was really an extended process of liking it less and less punctuated by a Final bad event. I thank G-d quite often for the (figurative) bullets I've dodged.

I suppose the 'point' of my story is that you never know when it's all going to come together. I, honestly, did not think I would be able to quit until the moment I realized I had to - and that was it. So If you really want a substance out of your life - keep trying. There's no one correct way to do it (though there are incorrect ways to do it). If you are still in active addiction/abuse, try to believe that it is possible to live without the substance, even if you feel like don't know how.
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Old 05-18-2018, 05:42 PM
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great update
Congrats on your sober time aNewEternity

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