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How to discuss?

Old 08-25-2015, 02:51 PM
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How to discuss?

I am looking for opinions on what is the most effective way to talk to my fiance. we had an open discussion over the weekend and it was going good and I think he was sharing real feelings. I mostly blew it because I got upset and he reacted by getting defensive and then I escalated it. I own my part in our communicating problems and Im working on doing it more effectively with the help of Smart resources.

Could you share some things that make you feel comfortable when you talk to your wife, or family. If they listen and not interrupt, have a certain kind of demeanor, are able to talk without telling you a solution but wiling to discuss.

Id like to suggest he read a couple chapters from this book Beyond Addiction because I think its uplifting and empowering, but Im afraid to say this is good, will you read it and maybe we could discuss, and if he can identify with some of it?

we have always talked, even when he was using weed. I dont want his switch to opiates to shut up all the doors. he was talking last weekend so I know we can do it again.

maybe tell me not to be afraid to be honest and act like I always have? I dont understand why Im afraid all the sudden.
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Old 08-25-2015, 03:40 PM
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quat
 
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Don't be afraid to be honest.
He is using substances for intoxication and you are affected by it and don't like it, yes? Let him know and it's up to him to do something about it. Offer support if he acts to end his substance use, but be prepared if he chooses otherwise.
Wish you well
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Old 08-25-2015, 07:10 PM
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I know I personally hate to be interrupted when I'm talking, it feels to me that the other person isn't listening and is just dismissing whatever I'm trying to say, and what I'm trying to say might be very important to me. And, being a guy, I have to fight my "fix it" instinct and not turn the discussion into a Gantt Chart. But that's me, I think everyone has their own style and needs. You know your fiance much better than anyone else here.
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Old 08-27-2015, 06:21 AM
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One of the principles I use is to first seek to understand and then be understood. Too often, I am to pushy to get my opinion and ideas out that I bulldoze right over the other person. A good technique is emphatic listening which is an approach to ensure you understand the other person and that they know you have listen to them. Essentially, you mirror back what they have said. For example, after they speak, you would reply, "what I think you have said is..." This is also a useful method to keep from zoning out and planning your response. I also remember that conversation is a two-way activity. Sometimes, it just isn't going to work.
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