Nonsensical

I was addicted to nicotine, but I never got a deep sense of pleasure from nicotine. I would get anxious and irritable when I was giving it up, but there was never anything close to the pleasurable experience I received from alcohol. In that regard it makes perfect sense to me that I might romanticize alcohol, but not nicotine.

CelticZebra

I'm part way through Dr Mate's book and so far I understood he views addiction as being brought about by several factors, not least about how early years attachments can shape the pathways of the brain and how those who have emotional wellness are less likely to have a need to fill an emptiness within. As far as I am learning about myself and why I am addicted to certain substances and/or behaviours I believe the answer is tied up in how my neural pathways grow in a unique way, affected by my personal experiences, the environment, my beliefs and other external influences all filtered through my already mixed up brain. Emotional intelligence and learning how to 'fix my brain' are part of my toolkit in my journey to my true self. Relaxation also needs to play a large role as, according with Dr Mate, I am self-medicating my emotional pain, I need to find a place of acceptance and unconditional love within myself as well as within the wider world of family, friends, community and society. I interpreted what I have read contrary to other's opinions and feel that the author of Walking with the Hungry Ghosts to have a less simplistic view of the causes of addiction.

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

soberlicious

I agree that it's definitely preferable to find a place of acceptance and unconditional love within ourselves as well as within the wider world of family, friends, community and society, however if one is unable to do that, or unable to do that in a timely fashion, that does not doom them to a life of addiction. It is my belief that anyone can get out from under addiction, even if the circumstances are not ideal.

samseb5351

Thanks CelticZebra

Can I ask a few questions in regards to your post to get some clarity on what you mean about a few things that you have said?

When you say "unconditional love" can you expand on what that means? Being a materialist myself I have always struggled with this term, the best explanation that makes any sense to me is where people develop a way of living, being more awake as to whats going on around them, less attachment to things, thoughts, flawed (dogmatic) ideas, emotional highs and lows, EGO, fear about death and many other things that can lead to suffering. This to me at least is a kind of acceptance, but being awake like this is very conditional, it seems to me to be more like a viewpoint than a place.

The other question I have is about "true self", when you say that, again what does that mean, it may again relate to what I said about suffering I am not sure? What makes it true and where is this "self"

Anyway just a few questions there, I look forward to the conversation.

Wholesome

I can't speak for CelticZebra but I will speak for myself.

I don't unconditionally love anyone except my kids. But I come very close with those closest to me. My parents and sister would love and accept me not matter what I did or who I was. The opposite that I find with my family is that they wouldn't be that interested either way.... so I have very little contact with them. Despite that if I needed them today they would be there for me no matter what the circumstance. To me that is the essence of a dysfunctional family. The expectation is very low and their involvement is only when necessary. So be it.

When I talk about unconditional love I think about my man who has taken me and children on. He sees me as I am, we don't have secrets. He knows all sides of me. And I him. I don't require him to bend or change. In fact I don't ask that of anyone close to me. With the exception of my children who I am raising and where the expectation is that I'm raising men.

To me unconditional love is where no matter where a person is and no matter who they are you accept them. No matter what. Through thick and thin. No matter if they show you the same courtesy. You don't waver. Ever.

Not even parental love can always accomplish this. It is a rare gem.

CelticZebra

ZenChaser succinctly put very well what I missed out, I agree parental love is very often conditional, I too come from a dysfunctional family, my husband, and all the rest of us have cycles of dysfunction in our ancestry. Unconditional love and acceptance as a human being, love is an emotion, as far as I see it the 'true self' is the one we are born to be. Those of us who fail to nourish our inner-life with 'good' emotions are more susceptible to addictions and undesirable behaviours. I'm only a novice but an attachment (relationship) needn't be with a parental figure. Just to have the love and acceptance of my husband has been enough for me to start to value myself more and learn about myself, I have learnt more about understanding and my own psychology since quitting alcohol. I too don't believe anyone is destined to be an addict for life, to refer back to Dr Mate again, I believe he was trying to say that those who truly struggle so badly with addiction that they themselves cannot find an escape route should be treated humanely and that society (in America) is against them from before the start of life

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

samseb5351

I am still at bit confused here. When you say true self is what we are born to be, how do we know this? Aren't we really just born and we are who we are, or do you think there is some kind of purpose within us? Like something buried and I my question would be, how did that get there? Also when you say inner life, what does that really mean, and why would be important to nourish it? Thanks for your responses so far and the conversation

CelticZebra

Yes we are born to be who we are but I think that we can lose ourselves while in the throes of addiction and may need a route to our true self... Hope this makes sense.... Would like to know what others think but I think it has something to do with Buddhists.
The inner life is just the brains view, like the bit in control, not the av

Driving my wagon of hope through beautiful views on my road to myself

VikingGF

I have been struggling with this.... No longer do I come here every day, and I used to be a regular poster on the daily support thread. Now asking for 24 hours is no longer something I do. Counting days now means nothing to me, as I am done drinking until day infinity. BUT, if something I have learned can help someone else, I want to do just that. When I feel like stopping in, I do so, when I don't, I stay away. It's frustrating to me to read "one day at a time" or "relapse is part of recovery" but that is what some people believe and ok, go right ahead and believe it if that helps. I keep that to myself (well, not on this thread) and encourage everyone on their path.

In the end, we all have the same goal, so helping others if possible only reinforces why I'm sober in the first place. To participate.