All Beast Urge Vs disappointment effect
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 43
All Beast Urge Vs disappointment effect
Hi all,
Would like to share that today, i went through a transformation, writing this helps me also to deepen this occasion in my memory, because I believe it’s a the beginning of a change happening from within. I felt exactly in the Peter scenario described by Trimpey in page 157-158. If someone also went thought this situation, please share. While I was more or less awake, I suddenly knew i would be alone for several hours. When I realized it, I falled asleep again, but beast injected dreams of how good and excited it would be to have that special and intimate feeling again soon. I woke up again, but this time I was really alone. Beast started to flood my mind with pictures and feelings, touching feelings. Of course, I used AVRT, and recognized every feeling that suggested me to get advantage of that unique moment, that the BIG PLAN could be one minute away, after enjoying the fix. Just do it i heard the beast, and you can recompose yourself after, and do the big plan n avrt thing again. In that moment, it started to convince me and my heart started to beat rapidly. A always, when i didnt recognize the beast, i also went in to autopilot, beast capturing my thoughts, ALL BEAST mode. So i rised from the bed and without considering, I picked up all the “fantasy stuff” needed to have that yummy orgasm. Then, something really great happened, I hesitated and stopped, as someone was telling me that it is useless and very wrong what I would do, but all this while still physically aroused. Then I decided to sit and give up on continuing running to consummate the fix. While I sat down, I felt a huge disappointment inside, like the disappointment I always had “after engage in addiction” , but this time the disappointment happened before I fall into addiction, the arousing suddenly quiet down, the urge calmed and I felt very calm and relieved, knowing I would not engage in destruction again.
So after this, I can only reaffirm my eternal Plan: I will never, ever have an orgasm outside of marriage again, and…
I will never change my mind.
Would like to share that today, i went through a transformation, writing this helps me also to deepen this occasion in my memory, because I believe it’s a the beginning of a change happening from within. I felt exactly in the Peter scenario described by Trimpey in page 157-158. If someone also went thought this situation, please share. While I was more or less awake, I suddenly knew i would be alone for several hours. When I realized it, I falled asleep again, but beast injected dreams of how good and excited it would be to have that special and intimate feeling again soon. I woke up again, but this time I was really alone. Beast started to flood my mind with pictures and feelings, touching feelings. Of course, I used AVRT, and recognized every feeling that suggested me to get advantage of that unique moment, that the BIG PLAN could be one minute away, after enjoying the fix. Just do it i heard the beast, and you can recompose yourself after, and do the big plan n avrt thing again. In that moment, it started to convince me and my heart started to beat rapidly. A always, when i didnt recognize the beast, i also went in to autopilot, beast capturing my thoughts, ALL BEAST mode. So i rised from the bed and without considering, I picked up all the “fantasy stuff” needed to have that yummy orgasm. Then, something really great happened, I hesitated and stopped, as someone was telling me that it is useless and very wrong what I would do, but all this while still physically aroused. Then I decided to sit and give up on continuing running to consummate the fix. While I sat down, I felt a huge disappointment inside, like the disappointment I always had “after engage in addiction” , but this time the disappointment happened before I fall into addiction, the arousing suddenly quiet down, the urge calmed and I felt very calm and relieved, knowing I would not engage in destruction again.
So after this, I can only reaffirm my eternal Plan: I will never, ever have an orgasm outside of marriage again, and…
I will never change my mind.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Wollongong NSW
Posts: 241
Great observations and Mindfulness
After my stint in Rehab 10 years ago, I can remember when my wife went overseas, she had set me up with only a small amount of cash and most other bills had been paid AUTO and food was to be purchased using supermarket vouchers. Just before she left to protect herself from the deep feeling of disappointment she had endured 100s of times before with my broken promises and deceit around my gambling, she told me "you know while I am gone I expect that you will gamble". I was angry at this suggestion, which is classic reaction from a freshly recovered addict.
I remember sitting in the food-court at the local Mall and the idea "that my wife expected me to gamble" popped in my head. It had been four months since my last bet, but with that thought in my head I started to rationalize the idea that gambling was about to occur. I remember the pre -euphoric state and planning towards taking a bet. You kind of get giddy with excitement, and in my past When I got to the point of the "gambling decision" nothing was going to stop me. But something did stop me that day, it was a couple of things actually and its not easy to pin point exactly what happened. Probably through mindfulness practice (I am not really sure) I got an intrusive thought that the bottom line of gambling again was going to result in my Death. In the past these, seeing the final results kind of thoughts were always flicked away and ignored. This time I had just enough reality to be frightened of the consequences. I sat there simultaneously darting from yes to no in my head, until eventually I actually found enough resolve to hold of my decision to gamble.
Being in the pulsating, heart pumping, physical giddy state meant a huge feeling of disappointment, in some respects it didn't feel like Me making an empowered decision, But like a self aware intervention. I was almost tantrum like in my head, the disappointment was palpable. I went home still with my money in my pocket, and reflected on what actually happened, the giddy feelings subsided and I actually for the first time could see that I had more choice in my decisions than I had originally thought.
That was a long time ago now and I haven't gambled since, and over the years I attached all sorts of meaning to that experience, from ""intervention from God" in my spiritual recovery days to dumb luck to ego expression. Today it just seems like it was small realization that we can and do override our decisions all the time.
After my stint in Rehab 10 years ago, I can remember when my wife went overseas, she had set me up with only a small amount of cash and most other bills had been paid AUTO and food was to be purchased using supermarket vouchers. Just before she left to protect herself from the deep feeling of disappointment she had endured 100s of times before with my broken promises and deceit around my gambling, she told me "you know while I am gone I expect that you will gamble". I was angry at this suggestion, which is classic reaction from a freshly recovered addict.
I remember sitting in the food-court at the local Mall and the idea "that my wife expected me to gamble" popped in my head. It had been four months since my last bet, but with that thought in my head I started to rationalize the idea that gambling was about to occur. I remember the pre -euphoric state and planning towards taking a bet. You kind of get giddy with excitement, and in my past When I got to the point of the "gambling decision" nothing was going to stop me. But something did stop me that day, it was a couple of things actually and its not easy to pin point exactly what happened. Probably through mindfulness practice (I am not really sure) I got an intrusive thought that the bottom line of gambling again was going to result in my Death. In the past these, seeing the final results kind of thoughts were always flicked away and ignored. This time I had just enough reality to be frightened of the consequences. I sat there simultaneously darting from yes to no in my head, until eventually I actually found enough resolve to hold of my decision to gamble.
Being in the pulsating, heart pumping, physical giddy state meant a huge feeling of disappointment, in some respects it didn't feel like Me making an empowered decision, But like a self aware intervention. I was almost tantrum like in my head, the disappointment was palpable. I went home still with my money in my pocket, and reflected on what actually happened, the giddy feelings subsided and I actually for the first time could see that I had more choice in my decisions than I had originally thought.
That was a long time ago now and I haven't gambled since, and over the years I attached all sorts of meaning to that experience, from ""intervention from God" in my spiritual recovery days to dumb luck to ego expression. Today it just seems like it was small realization that we can and do override our decisions all the time.
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Join Date: Feb 2015
Posts: 43
Originally Posted by samseb5351 
Great observations and Mindfulness
After my stint in Rehab 10 years ago, I can remember when my wife went overseas, she had set me up with only a small amount of cash and most other bills had been paid AUTO and food was to be purchased using supermarket vouchers. Just before she left to protect herself from the deep feeling of disappointment she had endured 100s of times before with my broken promises and deceit around my gambling, she told me "you know while I am gone I expect that you will gamble". I was angry at this suggestion, which is classic reaction from a freshly recovered addict.
I remember sitting in the food-court at the local Mall and the idea "that my wife expected me to gamble" popped in my head. It had been four months since my last bet, but with that thought in my head I started to rationalize the idea that gambling was about to occur. I remember the pre -euphoric state and planning towards taking a bet. You kind of get giddy with excitement, and in my past When I got to the point of the "gambling decision" nothing was going to stop me. But something did stop me that day, it was a couple of things actually and its not easy to pin point exactly what happened. Probably through mindfulness practice (I am not really sure) I got an intrusive thought that the bottom line of gambling again was going to result in my Death. In the past these, seeing the final results kind of thoughts were always flicked away and ignored. This time I had just enough reality to be frightened of the consequences. I sat there simultaneously darting from yes to no in my head, until eventually I actually found enough resolve to hold of my decision to gamble.
Being in the pulsating, heart pumping, physical giddy state meant a huge feeling of disappointment, in some respects it didn't feel like Me making an empowered decision, But like a self aware intervention. I was almost tantrum like in my head, the disappointment was palpable. I went home still with my money in my pocket, and reflected on what actually happened, the giddy feelings subsided and I actually for the first time could see that I had more choice in my decisions than I had originally thought.
That was a long time ago now and I haven't gambled since, and over the years I attached all sorts of meaning to that experience, from ""intervention from God" in my spiritual recovery days to dumb luck to ego expression. Today it just seems like it was small realization that we can and do override our decisions all the time.
After my stint in Rehab 10 years ago, I can remember when my wife went overseas, she had set me up with only a small amount of cash and most other bills had been paid AUTO and food was to be purchased using supermarket vouchers. Just before she left to protect herself from the deep feeling of disappointment she had endured 100s of times before with my broken promises and deceit around my gambling, she told me "you know while I am gone I expect that you will gamble". I was angry at this suggestion, which is classic reaction from a freshly recovered addict.
I remember sitting in the food-court at the local Mall and the idea "that my wife expected me to gamble" popped in my head. It had been four months since my last bet, but with that thought in my head I started to rationalize the idea that gambling was about to occur. I remember the pre -euphoric state and planning towards taking a bet. You kind of get giddy with excitement, and in my past When I got to the point of the "gambling decision" nothing was going to stop me. But something did stop me that day, it was a couple of things actually and its not easy to pin point exactly what happened. Probably through mindfulness practice (I am not really sure) I got an intrusive thought that the bottom line of gambling again was going to result in my Death. In the past these, seeing the final results kind of thoughts were always flicked away and ignored. This time I had just enough reality to be frightened of the consequences. I sat there simultaneously darting from yes to no in my head, until eventually I actually found enough resolve to hold of my decision to gamble.
Being in the pulsating, heart pumping, physical giddy state meant a huge feeling of disappointment, in some respects it didn't feel like Me making an empowered decision, But like a self aware intervention. I was almost tantrum like in my head, the disappointment was palpable. I went home still with my money in my pocket, and reflected on what actually happened, the giddy feelings subsided and I actually for the first time could see that I had more choice in my decisions than I had originally thought.
That was a long time ago now and I haven't gambled since, and over the years I attached all sorts of meaning to that experience, from ""intervention from God" in my spiritual recovery days to dumb luck to ego expression. Today it just seems like it was small realization that we can and do override our decisions all the time.
samseb5351,
Great post, that was exacly what i felt, the "out of control" feelings and urges subsiding on its own. I felt so great about it.
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