Failed but Stopped before High. BIG PLAN MADE.
 

Hi everyone,

Hi am here now to post that i unfortunately more or less i gave in to acting out on addiction, i mean i started to act out but i stopped before getting high. Comparing to alchool it would be has i had some drinks and stopped. Now i consider that even if i gave in to start acting out, i had the courage to stop. Before getting high i started to feel so bad, so in panic, that i stopped. But thats not new, in the past i stopped in the "middle" before getting high, and some weeks later i gave in until getting high to the end. So it was not the first time. Thats because i still not trusting me. I know i have to feel 100% confident, but everytime you give in that confidence goes appart.

All started today, when i knew i would be alone for two hours, i was flooded by those endorphins in my head as soon as i knew i would be alone, i also used avrt to recognize this flooding, and at first i recognized and i knew i would not do it anyway, then it persisted, and i was in a situation where i was now asking the beast, what in the acting would be good, of course the beast offered me tons of ways for getting excited and i choosed the one who excited me better. I mean, it was as if i was waiting for the beast to tell me a way for getting most excited if i would do it or not, and the endophins flooded in my head again and i got up an started acting out.

One of the reasons is that i was preparing to make a BIG PLAN since i registered here 3 days ago, but since then i havent did any, because i was waiting for learning more AVRT so i could be prepared to make a BIGPLAN again.

But this time i made ONE even if dont know if i will fail or not. So Yes i made a BIG PLAN 5 minutes ago.

I WILL NEVER HAVE AN ORGASM AGAIN, DOESNT MATTER HOW, OUT OF MARRIAGE AND I WILL NEVER CHANGE MY MIND. I WILL NEVER FORGET HOW DISGUSTED I FELT TODAY AND AS I ALWAYS FELT AND HOW I ALWAYS WAS SO STUPID TO RETURN TO IT AGAIN, LIKE I DID TODAY.

i know that in AVRT we dont need to share this with anyone, but i feel that it is good in the begining of learing and applying it so i can still have motivation to carry on training AVRT. I will not give up.

Thank you all.

Hi EL

I was wondering if you have ever read, received therapy or identified with others around the issue of "Shame". Perhaps you should look into that, there is plenty written on the subject, and for me although I don't always agree about peoples ideas of the origins of "shame" It can be very helpful to recognize it as a set of personal thoughts and emotions that have a terrible paralyzing affect when it comes to living a healthy, rich and robust life.

Take Care

Thank you for you comment samseb. My thought is beasts are always shameless... of doing things that are shame ... And what is shameless for others does not mean it is shame for everyone. Like drinking alchool for some is shameless, for others its a shame. So if someone is to never drink alchool again, i doubt shame issues would help. Therapy, and shrinks are normally in the realm of the beast world, we talking about behaviour here, behaviour is voluntary, cannot be "treated", only solution for voluntary behaviour is voluntary abstinence. But thank you for your intention to help.