Axiom

Alright y’all I am in!
I have been so wishy-washy over how to deal with the fact that I am addicted to alcohol. Not sure how to handle it. Thinking I am going to fail if I don’t do this right. Alcohol will kill me but only if I drink it and I am sick of being afraid!
Part of my past that I haven’t shared here before is when I quit doing cocaine. I don’t think I was as addicted (is that a thing) but I was doing it frequently. It was usually free or cheap because I was bartending at a dive bar where the dealers would come to sell. They didn’t get hassled and we got baggies. One night I was out with a dealer drinking having a good time and the dealer got busted. I was searched and found to be in possession. I thankfully was able to pay for a great attorney who the arrest and conviction scrubbed from my record with two month probation. I did coke three more times each time with great regret afterwards thinking “what am I doing?! Why would I ruin my life like this?” I still worked at a bar where it was done and still hung out with people who did it. I told them to tell me no if I ever asked for some and usually didn’t ask. That was years ago.
I ended up in the hospital after trying to go cold turkey without the alcohol. I gave up so much of my life to bartending and living the party life. That is until the party life turned into hard core isolation. I blindly did not notice how much alcohol was taking from me. The longer I am sober (a few days away from 4 months) the more I see how bad I was. I see good times as well but I had some fun with cocaine as well.
So here I go. Down the rabbit hole. I am going to a SMART meeting tonight, ordering RR, picking up yoga, exercising more, spending a lot of time with family, checking into SR daily, going to therapy, reading about the medical side of addiction, sober MeetUp groups and living life to its fullest.
I want to want AA but I just don’t. I don’t feel the connection and feel better on the days I don’t go to meetings. I am not bashing and know that it has helped a great many people. It is filled with love and support and a great place to go.
Who knows, maybe one day I will check it out again. However, I am not going to do it because I am scared of not going. One thing I have learned through here and AA is that I don’t know the future. This is THE fight. I am going to give it all I can and for right now that involves knowing me and what I can accomplish.
Anyway, it feels good to finally of decided.

SoberLeigh

Glad to hear that you are going to a SMART meeting. Let us know how it goes, Axiom.

brynn

Well done, axiom!!
For me, self-empowerment was the beginning of true freedom...and a big part of that was just taking the plunge and being decisive. No more being held hostage by that fear of failure, no more questioning myself.....just the peace that comes from deliberate living.

This post made me smile! Thanks for sharing!

freshstart57

Hi Axiom, welcome here, good to see you posting here. If you look at the excerpted sections of your post, you will see what I feel are the salient points. The answers to your questions are there.

I think your plan is sound because it underlies your commitment to sobriety and to your future. Do it all, live your life fully, reject any possibility of failure and demand success. That will do it.

Ornithology

Axiom, what a great post. I feel reenergized and renewed just for having read it. Thank you.

anattaboy

Well put. Nuthin to it but to do it!

Axiom

It was good, not my first time. It's nice getting and receiving different ideas in person. I get a lot out of them. Thank you for your support. This seems right to me.