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is this my AV?

Old 01-30-2015, 08:23 AM
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is this my AV?

may i ask for some input ....
why do i feel soo jealous of when my hubby drinks wine.... im ok with him and beer.
am i right in thinking it is AV?
could do with some suggestions to help me with this please?


it is causing some tension between us.....
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Old 01-30-2015, 08:32 AM
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I don't know of it is your AV but I do know that it can be very hard to look at your poison, especially in early sobriety.

Have you spoken to your husband about drinking wine in front of you and how difficult it is for you? Is he supportive of your sobriety efforts?
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Old 01-30-2015, 09:12 AM
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it is, or it's none of the above --

anytime you feel the 'need' for something you are denying yourself, you will experience that inner conflict. you are still not over your desire to drink wine. it takes diligence.

be strong and just tell yourself NO, I don't want it and I surely don't need it.

when you get to a point in sobriety that the physical addiction is past, any desire to drink beyond that point can be called your AV. Because it is a 'want' not a 'need'.

I had to train myself shopping the past year on general items. I actually would ask myself when I held a product in my hand - is this a 'want' or a 'need'. I was struggling with money and I had to learn that I couldn't just spend willy-nilly as I did in the past.
So I learned - taught myself - that 'wants' were not going in the basket. It is a humbling experience losing income. But back to alcohol. Aside from it being a financial restriction. It became a 'want' that from my experience was the cause of most of my troubles in life. It was my 'poison'. It stunted my growth and development. Why would I want to put this stuff inside me again? It made no sense.

So if you want to call it AV because you envy someone who drinks something you no longer can - assuming you already accepted it - then call it your AV, and tell it to shut up and leave you alone. You have better things to do.
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Old 01-30-2015, 09:16 AM
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I'm lucky to have a wife who does not drink. I would also have issues with seeing her imbibing. Your feelings sound normal to me.
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Old 01-30-2015, 09:19 AM
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Thanks for the reply. I have tried talking to him. He totally agrees with me that I can't drink anymore.
But to him it's just a case of "well just don't drink" he doesn't get how much him drinking wine effects me....
I guess this is just something I have to deal with.... I'm thinking of rereading rr.xx
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Old 01-30-2015, 09:22 AM
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Sorry I got distracted half way through the post... and after I had posted I say the other replies too. Thanks guys it means a lot. Xx
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Old 01-30-2015, 10:33 AM
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I think rereading the book is a good plan, I can't wait to get my copy and quieten my AV with my learning how to control the beast. As far as I can tell this 'jealousy' is pure AV, which I know, for me, allowed my beastly activities to continue, unchecked until long after my hubby quit drinking. I made my Big Plan with regard to alcohol and no longer "feel jealous" of anyone I encounter that drinks (dependently, moderately or 'alcoholically'), I know that's just my AV now. In early sobriety I think I would've forced my hubby & his wine OUT of the house or tried to get him onboard to how he might be helpful towards me by not drinking my DOC so early in my journey, I wasn't comfortable in other people drinking in my home until I settled into my new way of living! Persons,ly I wouldn't like it.
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Old 01-30-2015, 11:23 AM
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thanks cz, i hope to get to that point too of not feeling 'jealous' soon.
xx
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Old 01-31-2015, 01:31 PM
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Knee-Jerk-Feelings of the BEAST

That "jealousy" is 100% Beast. IT has had free reign with your emotions for many years, and now that you have separated ITs thinking from YOUR thinking, IT will ramp up the FEELINGS side of ITs very limited powers. Getting YOU to FEEL what IT wants YOU to FEEL is ITS ONLY power left that can cause any knee-jerk-frustration in YOU. After the knee-jerk, YOU immediately know that FEELING is from IT, your BEAST.

Yes, those feelings will fade over time, and your recovery will then truly be in the past, as your former addiction is now in the past.
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Old 02-01-2015, 02:53 AM
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Thanks gt I have read and reread your post to let it sink in. It really makes sense. I'm just starting to reread the rr book for the second time. Hopefully it will strengthen my resolve
Xx
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Old 02-01-2015, 04:52 AM
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I believe it is a manifestation of the ambivalence so many have toward quitting. I usually refer to it as too incompatible wants. 1) We want to be normal drinkers and 2) We want to avoid the negative consequences of our drinking. The first want is pure fantasy which has no factual evidence to support it - it would be an irrational choice. The second want is based on our actual experience and has plenty of supporting evidence - it would be a rational choice.

Unfortunately, my experience is that during active addiction and early sobriety, the first want triggers the stronger emotional response along with now obsolete memories of how good drinking used to be. So, yes, it is your AV.
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Old 02-01-2015, 07:42 AM
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Lots going on here. Of course the stimulus/reward thing with the wine visual is rat-brain (AV) but the relationship dynamic is another thing entirely. I would take care of me for the time being and if that means getting physically away or maybe him doing it in an area that is not shared would be an option. We all "know" it is not the wine but that takes some exercise to fully grok.
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Old 02-02-2015, 01:27 AM
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Thanks guys. I must be such a slow reader. ... just got to the part in the book that says it will take a few hours to read..... oh well. ... hopefully I'm absorbing it as well as reading it. Xx
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Old 02-02-2015, 05:45 PM
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Of course he can't understand because he is not an addict. My husband is the same way. He thinks people can just quit. He is being kind of an idiot and he can't do that right now because you need to get some time in before you are strong enough for that kind of trigger.
This had bothered you before so I would make him understand this is very hard for you. It should be no big deal for him to just quit wine or a year or two. He still gets his beer after all.
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Old 02-02-2015, 05:59 PM
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My girlfriend drinks, but rarely does so in front of me. We've been together 6 months and I can count the times she's drank in my presence on one hand. Maybe your husband can give the drink a bit of a rest, considering your situation? Your feelings sound pretty normal to me, as Johnston said.
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