New member seeking a secular support

Old 09-02-2014, 05:44 PM
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New member seeking a secular support

First let me tell you a glimps of my background... I blacked out for a year binge drinking every weekend and quit because I became a very angry scary person when I blacked out and it would come out on those I loved. I was afraid to lose my loved ones and life, so without meetings, I just made the personal choice and stuck with it. Don't get me wrong, I've had my moments where I have slipped and drank here and there, but not to excess. I don't feel the physical or mental pull strong enough to override my inner strength...

My husband drank almost every day when we met and through our struggles together he quit with me. I am so very thankful for that... But unfortunately he still constantly struggles with his addiction to opiates. If we could overcome our drinking problem together then why can't he stop using opiates! Its easy to catch myself thinking that way... It is very frustrating when having gone through it myself and seen him be successful without the need of meetings even, that he just doesn't stop the other... It does make you feel like its their choice at that point!

However, I understand that some addictions can be deeper rooted physically, mentally, depending on the drug, the person, the amount of time and things that person went through or was trying to escape from with that drug. There are soo many variables that make it not so simple every time for every person so I stop myself from the "Why can't they just make the choice to stop" trap that results in nothing but hurt or anger...

However there is one consistent thing I believe across all boards, and that is that there is no doubt that they not only have to want it for themselves but feel strong enough in their core to do it... A big difference in my husband and I is that I have always loved myself, loved my family, and I was raised to think positive about myself, my life and my future. Tho that all got fuzzy when I was drinking, my core was strong enough to still want it for myself before I lost it. If they don't start with that core or love themselves enough to care and have lost sight for too long of the world around them in any true sense of belonging or positive light, then they are so lost everything to even find their way out of the addiction and its such a thick fog it may feel like a disease they can't get rid of... Mentally, physically, spiritually (not religiously unless that is what you believe in) they are lost. So its not so easy/simple as to just STOP.

I am ready to start a family at this point and unfortunately my husband is obviously not and we are about to separate because I don't think I can keep riding this roller coaster with him. I am losing myself... My core happiness with life and hope for a family together. I catch myself still hoping he could just snap out of it if he feels like he has hit rock bottom with the possibly losing his wife... And tho I do not want to make him feel abandoned and made that clear that I still love him very much and will stay in contact and visit, I sometimes I feel like I enable it too by trying to be too understanding and supportive... They need to want it more than you do and when you give up maybe they will pick up the slack with no one there to pick them back up but themselves... Hit that infamous rock bottom.

I am hopeful that with a month long rehab/detox and moving to be around new people, places, and things is a must, along with not just meetings, but more importantly a therapist. A sponsor is a must too so they don't feel afraid to let their loved ones down or make them feel burdened or afraid... I can be hopeful and think its clear what needs done, but if they don't truly want it deep within themselves for themselves because they do love themselves and do have some hope to hold onto to gain their life back, then sadly none of that may help because they can always choose to stop trying and go back...

As much as I love him and do not want to end our marriage, I can't bring myself to start a family in this and that is what is most important to me... So I must be realistic and remember to love myself more than that to let that go, even if it means having to let him go
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:12 PM
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We're here for that support. Welcome.
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Old 09-02-2014, 06:47 PM
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hi Sarahjoy,
sounds like a good idea, not to bring kids those circumstances.

so i'm not clear whether you're here for sobriety support for yourself? what is confusing for me there is that you mention there's no physical or mental pull strong enough to override your inner strength, but did mention you returned to drinking several times, which sounds like a pretty strong pull...

welcome to SR, SJ.
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Old 09-03-2014, 09:41 AM
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Welcome to the Forum!!
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Old 09-03-2014, 09:55 PM
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Welcome to SR, Sarahjoy77! It's great to have you with us. I'm sorry for what you're going through. It's very hard if you want to get sober and he doesn't. You can't make him do it, he has to want to. Sadly sometimes moving ahead with your life means someone has to be left behind. But you have to do right for yourself first.
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Old 09-08-2014, 03:58 PM
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Even tough you are supportive, there will be a point where you will have to draw a line. Having kids will make that really difficult. And if he never quits and you guys get divorced having kids, you will have to deal with that mess forever. Sorry for the brutal honesty, but better now than latter.
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Old 09-09-2014, 05:48 PM
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Hi Sarah

welcome & thanks for sharing your story.

You have to be prepared for the unknown here.

A split in a relationship, can go one of three ways in the mind of an addict (any substance, it matters not)

A) "Holy crap, I don't want to lose her & all that we / I have, I better get my act together.

B) "Finally, I can do what I like, for a while, then when I've really ridden this thing how I want to and I'm washed up, I'll put my tale between my legs, admit defeat & attempt a rebuild.

C) Yeehaaaa ... this is it, its just me & my (substance x) , this was meant to be. look out world.

There may be subtle variations in the thought processes & eventual outcome, but in my experience, the above should roughly paint up what might happen.

Best of luck with it all.
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