VikingGF | 08-30-2014 06:20 AM | 50! 50!!
I only count because I like to see the numbers going up, and the thought of them going back to zero is unfathomable. I have embraced Rational Recovery and AVRT, and my beast is now firmly locked in the basement, eyes dull, weakly rattling its neck chain once in a while, or lifting its heavy head to try and catch my attention, but its efforts are easily rebuffed. Because now I know what it is, and I know who I am, and it is unbelievable how much has changed in just 50 days. I will never drink again and I will never change my mind. This has been the most liberating 2 weeks (it was about two weeks ago when I GOT it, it just all clicked) and I have been brought to happy tears more than once recently just feeling the freedom. I am SO GRATEFUL I was able to learn that I could walk away from alcohol and not look back. It has NO power over me, because I will not allow it in my body. Each day, I wake up early and bright- glad to face the day. Can you even believe I just said that??? I hated days and mornings and myself for SO long I thought that was normal! I don't hate me anymore. My problems have not gone away (whose do?) but now they are not mountains- they are problems to be solved one way or another, which I will do. My body thanks me by looking and feeling better- and I thank my body by paying attention to it and caring for it rather than trying to kill it, one glass at a time. I am strong, I am positive. I am becoming the friend and daughter and partner I have always wanted to be- because I am present and participating. I have purged my life of friends who are not good for me, and am working on my relationships to make them stronger, deeper and richer.
I do things! I go places! I remember that I do all these things!! My memory is back to itself- it was a completely rough and scary ride there for a while. I was so afraid the damage was permanent. There are still days when I don't feel wonderful- but I recognize that for what it might be. I drank a long, long time and large amounts, I don't question that I will still have days ahead where I will pay for that. But those days don't last forever, and like I say about 10 times a day, "If I can quit drinking, I can do anything." Because I really, truly did not think it was possible.
We can all do this. Thank-you, SR, thank-you RR, thank-you, thank-you, thank-you.
Onward.
Lisa. |