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Done with AA

Old 07-08-2014, 04:58 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by NightsWatch View Post
I like that about Buddhism, the idea of "take what's useful". You don't have to subscribe full-on to a program in order to extract a few ideas and methods that resonate with you. You then put these little tools in your toolkit and extract another tool from another program or book or way of thinking that spoke to you. At the end of the day, you'll then have a toolkit that is custom made for you! To me, that is way more helpful than a one-size-fits-all model.
This is pretty much where I'm at right now on my journey...it'll be 2 mths on Friday. I find it's working a lot better for me to look at it this way, and grab pieces from all different ways to handle sobriety.
Plus - they say variety is the spice of life right?
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Old 07-08-2014, 05:18 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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In my travels and "trying" many recovery methods, my advice is this:

Whatever method(s) you use to achieve and maintain a sober life, follow it 110%.

For me, I lacked a clear plan. And failing to plan is planning to fail. I would claim to try a method when I really didn't give it my all. I always had reservations. I did that over and over and over, and blamed whatever method it was for not making me sober. When I was finally "done" using/drinking and I was ready to get sober for good, I WROTE down a plan and FOLLOWED IT every day. As a result, I overcame my addiction.
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Old 07-08-2014, 08:25 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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When I got to recovery I heard I had to be willing to do anything to get sober.

but really I just need to be willing to do what I need to do to get sober. I don't have to sideline by doing something to prove a point.

I don't need to take the other guys medicine, just be willing to take my medicine. And first willing to find out what the affective medicine is for me.

Recovery isn't boot camp.
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Old 07-08-2014, 08:30 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ElleDee View Post
I'm looking into AVRT but wouldn't mind suggestions if you have them.
You posted this in a previous thread:

Originally Posted by ElleDee View Post
I explored AVRT the last 16 times I tried to stay sober. It didn't help much for me .
Good luck on try 17. To follow on with mfranch comment about 110% effort, stop looking and exploring and start working on your recovery. There are a lot of sober people on SR, and their recoveries span the entire gamut of methods. There must be some common ground for success. Maybe it's committing fully to the idea of not drinking and doing whatever it takes to support that decision and learning how to live and love our sober life.
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Old 07-08-2014, 10:06 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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ElleDee, a critical aspect of AVRT is making your Big Plan, one that has meaning and impact to you. 'Exploring' AVRT or any other form of recovery without a solid commitment to its success is not going to be fruitful.

Are you ready to make your plan about continuing to use alcohol?
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Old 07-08-2014, 02:06 PM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Unfortunately AA can't include a clause in it's traditions banning idiots from meetings.

Heck, they let me in.

By all means explore AVRT, RR and any secular program available to you!
But couldn't the same thing happen in any group-based program? With any group dynamic, regardless of the program, there are unfortunately, those kinds of personalities.

Be prepared to find rolling eyes and sarcastic chuckles in a secular group, too: and don't pay attention to it. Just remind yourself you aren't there to make friends or be popular. You are there to get sober, try to focus on the people that are recovered enough to support you and help you. Ignore the one's who can't get past their egos.
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Old 07-09-2014, 05:22 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by miamifella View Post
I am not a member myself of AA, so I think there are good reasons not to take part. But I am a bit baffled as to why you are "done with AA." Was it because a person at a meeting was rude?

Is it going to be a requirement that any recovery group you are part of does not have any rude members? Or is there something I am missing in this story?

It is hard to recommend anything without understanding what bothered you in AA and what you hope to find elsewhere.
First off, I didn't mean to offend you with my feelings about AA. You seem to have taken it personal. The thing is that I've had what I would call numerous unpleasant experiences at meetings. People's reactions, comments, I've had people pounce on me after meetings telling me what to do. I know some of it is that they're trying to be helpful. But I never did well in group therapy either. It's part of who I am I guess. Since AA is one type of program to stay sober, and there are many others (as I am learning) I will avoid meetings or go to the ones I feel comfortable at. That's why I came to this board... to look for alternative ways and I had heard about AVRT and want to learn more.
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Old 07-09-2014, 05:45 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Have you accepted that alcohol and you don't mix and you cannot drink again? I found most people in this limbo stage, agnostic to secular or non secular programs tend to struggle with accepting the finality of the solution. All of these programs being discussed and suggested require abstinence to work and for an addict (I am broadly including alcoholic here) the romance of one day returning to the drink is a damn tough idea to give up. Until you do, then AA, AVRT, SMART, Lifering all of these are going to present their own challenges. But none of them are the problem its perhaps your unwillingness to accept the finality that is creating the true struggle, disguised by the program or rogue member. This was at least the case for me in terms of acceptance. I then found I craft or adopt a program that suits what I needed to fit my ideation and lifestyle.
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Old 07-09-2014, 06:01 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jdooner View Post
Have you accepted that alcohol and you don't mix and you cannot drink again? I found most people in this limbo stage, agnostic to secular or non secular programs tend to struggle with accepting the finality of the solution. All of these programs being discussed and suggested require abstinence to work and for an addict (I am broadly including alcoholic here) the romance of one day returning to the drink is a damn tough idea to give up. Until you do, then AA, AVRT, SMART, Lifering all of these are going to present their own challenges. But none of them are the problem its perhaps your unwillingness to accept the finality that is creating the true struggle, disguised by the program or rogue member. This was at least the case for me in terms of acceptance. I then found I craft or adopt a program that suits what I needed to fit my ideation and lifestyle.
What?
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Old 07-09-2014, 06:04 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Sorry I was not clear. For me the limbo stage was more about my own personal acceptance of not being able to ever drink again. I too jumped from one program to another but the whole time it was me not the programs. I could care or less what program you find works - though I hope you find one..but I wanted to share my experience, which was more about my own acceptance of not drinking than any program I worked.

Simply stated look in the mirror and honestly ask if you are okay with never drinking again. You don't need to answer here but that will probably tell you more about where your at than any program.
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Old 07-09-2014, 06:14 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by jdooner View Post
Sorry I was not clear. For me the limbo stage was more about my own personal acceptance of not being able to ever drink again. I too jumped from one program to another but the whole time it was me not the programs. I could care or less what program you find works..but I wanted to share my experience, which was more about my own acceptance of not drinking than any program I worked.

Simply stated look in the mirror and honestly ask if you are okay with never drinking again. You don't need to answer here but that will probably tell you more about where your at than any program.
I'm not jumping from one program to another though. I didn't go to one AA meeting and decide it wasn't for me. Because of how I am hard wired, I am not comfortable in groups. I have some social anxiety. So maybe AA wasn't the best choice from the beginning. I've started learning about AVRT because that is a method that I think will help me stay sober (along with a number of other things I doing outside of AA). So with AA, yes it's ME, I don't like groups. I don't go to parties and I don't go out with more than one friend at a time because I DON'T LIKE GROUPS.

I am serious about my sobriety which is why I am trying to find the best way to stay sober, not looking for an excuse not to.
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Old 07-09-2014, 06:30 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Sorry must have read the wrong thread - I read you tried AVRT 16 times and it did not help and AA is not for you. Anyhow, good luck.
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Old 07-09-2014, 07:44 AM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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I apologize to everyone for contradicting myself. I don't really know at this point and I'm really questioning what I can do to make this work. I appear to be irritating some people here. I've been sober for only several weeks and feel kinda lost. Again I'm sorry I wasted everyone's time.
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Old 07-09-2014, 07:51 AM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Elle, I know for me the first month or six weeks was very raw. It got much better after that so don't let anything knock you off your goal.

No one here is offended. I don't know if it is your first time in internet forums or not, but it is difficult for people to really completely understand what a poster is saying and many times posts in a thread will be people relaying their experiences hoping that they have understood your question or issue.

Here, in AA, and in life, the majority of people just want to help. They don't always get it right according to us. That's okay. The underlying truth is that we all come from our own experiences and we all find our own path in life and in sobriety. My way is not necessarily your way. But I want sobriety for you. I know you are strong and smart and if you want to be sober, if you really want the life that was intended for you - you will find your way.

((blessings))
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Old 07-09-2014, 07:53 AM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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Hi ElleDee,

You are sweet and gentle and forthright with your posts, and I do not see you contradicting yourself at all.

There are some posters on SR that are more outspoken than others, and I have learned that to post is to take a risk. The risk is that some other poster will either not like what you say, or will feel the need to point out some flaw they see in you.

Remember, they may not be right! In fact, they frequently are NOT "right" as much as just wanting to shout something out.

I've been guilty of that, and I fear I may have caused another poster some degree of embarrassment because I called them out on something.

You are MOST welcome here, and if you leave the Secular Connections part of SR, it will be a great loss. I've said before that I think this is a good fit for you, just based on what I hear.

Don't go!
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Old 07-09-2014, 07:54 AM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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you are doing great. You are processing your thoughts how you feel at this time, yes?

You are sober, not thinking of drinking....there is NO time limit on finding what works for you.

you certainly are NOT wasting anyone's time, you are trying to find your own way. Program or no program, there is nothing wrong with that. Your "plan" might take several things you have learned here and there and combine them.

whatever works for you.
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Old 07-09-2014, 08:19 AM
  # 37 (permalink)  
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Raw is right. I find myself tearful a lot... I find myself frustrated, tired, irritable, short on patience, and the list goes on.

Thanks for being patient with me and understanding.

Hugs!
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Old 07-09-2014, 08:25 AM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ElleDee View Post
First off, I didn't mean to offend you with my feelings about AA. You seem to have taken it personal. The thing is that I've had what I would call numerous unpleasant experiences at meetings. People's reactions, comments, I've had people pounce on me after meetings telling me what to do. I know some of it is that they're trying to be helpful. But I never did well in group therapy either. It's part of who I am I guess. Since AA is one type of program to stay sober, and there are many others (as I am learning) I will avoid meetings or go to the ones I feel comfortable at. That's why I came to this board... to look for alternative ways and I had heard about AVRT and want to learn more.
Like you, I am not much of a group person. I am introverted and introspective by nature and don't function well as part of a group. Also, like you, I have had a number of unfortunate experiences with AA: being dismissed as not enough of a drunk to deserve membership; being lectured to on how unless I "let Jesus into my heart" I was doomed to die a drunk and other, similar experiences. I know that any group is going to have the occasional jerk; I also met some at the few SMART Recovery meetings I attended. The difference was that at the SMART meeting, the facilitator shut the jerk off; at AA, there was no effort made to quiet them or to divert them.

And, I'm not dissing AA here at all. The organization has helped many people live a sober life. Sadly, I did not find it particularly well suited to my personality. But if you fit well with group support and can accept the spiritual focus of AA, then AA is a good approach.

When I visited the RR website I found an approach to sobriety that fit my personality. The notion of group support was downplayed and the notion of personal responsibility was brought to the fore. I also buy into the idea that "your life is a mess because you drink" instead of the notion that "you drink because your life is a mess". So, using the principles espoused by RR and using SR as my "support group", I'm managing to stay sober.

I think the single strongest factor in my sobriety, however, is my inner insistence on thinking myself to be a teetotaler, first and foremost, and being proud of it. A major part of my present identity is as a teetotaler: I brag about being one. I also consider "recovery" to be an event, a decision, not a process. And, once one develops the knack of recognizing the alcoholic voice, AVRT is an incredibly powerful tool for sobriety.

One more thing, if you are using RR for sobriety, you can't be accused of fleeing a recovery group because it contains jerks. IMHO, Jack Trimpey, creator of RR is a bit of a jerk. He's a smart jerk and a creative jerk and he has done a lot for me but he is still a jerk (and I say this with considerable affection).

Best wishes to you in your sober future.
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Old 07-09-2014, 08:27 AM
  # 39 (permalink)  
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Being in recovery DOES feel raw at times, because the "tool" we once used to "fix" stuff in our lives has left a big hole in its place.

With time, that hole is filled with all sorts of other ways to have fun, elevate our mood, calm our nerves, fight boredom, fill time, combat anxiety, fight depression, and ALL of the numerous other reasons why we ever drank/used in the first place.

It is just human to feel frustration, fatigue, irritation, impatience, etc. You will find yourself feeling those things many times over as time goes on. I remember when I quit drinking years ago, I was surprised at how many things I blamed on the booze. If I had a bad day, didn't feel well, felt too tired, was grumpy, etc., I always just chalked it up to drinking too much the night before. Imagine my shock when I discovered that, sometimes, I was just having a bad day!

I got used to the idea that some days just suck. Still do. The only difference is that I no longer "treat" my sucky days with booze/pills/(fill in DOC).

No patience required here; understanding in spades.
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Old 07-09-2014, 08:49 AM
  # 40 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by ElleDee View Post
Raw is right. I find myself tearful a lot... I find myself frustrated, tired, irritable, short on patience, and the list goes on.

Thanks for being patient with me and understanding.

Hugs!
as long as you don't find yourself starting the day with your head in the toilet barfing up booze, it's going to be a better day.

congrats on 2? 3? weeks, we have all been there.
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