13unluckyforsom

I guess in truth I only need one day and that day will consistently be 'today' if I'm always sober today then I will be fine.

Anyway 90 days refers to more than just the no alcohol part. Granted it's the most important part because if I'm not sober I don't allow myself any chances or grab any opportunities - so I'm going to stay with family who are well aware of my drinking and the lengths my beast goes to convince me and everyone else that I'm so ok and it's not a problem. Oh my word is it ever a problem!

In truth I'm ready for this but I'm also not naive about how uneasy I find living sober. Which is a contradiction because every time I drink I find it so hard. So maybe my first thought wasn't even mine hmm

freshstart57

Hi 13Unlucky. I think you spoke truth in your last paragraph, that living is sober is too difficult. On the other hand, living drunk is so much harder than that! This is a good awareness, that your first thought is definitely about continuing to drink and therefore is all about your AV.

So, about a plan about continuing to use alcohol - what does yours look like? Is acceptance of life's challenges, drunk or sober, going to be a part of that plan?

Best to you, 13, I know you can do this.

13unluckyforsom

It has to look like me getting to a place where I can stand on my own two feet and hold my head up a smile.

It has to be a life worth living with things that fulfil my purpose.

It has to be better than the alternative

I have to allow myself to be loved. I have to be kind to myself.

My av didn't like that last part for some reason because he said 'your not really that bad'

So in theory that's what my personal plan is but I also have rules at my brothers one of which includes me working with people and I just hope aa isn't expected. I'd much rather do cbt and get my support here. But I have to respect his conditions.

freshstart57

I can see that your brother wants desperately to see you succeed, and is putting a lot of his own emotional currency at stake. We, you and I, both know that no matter what he does, he cannot take you to the place where you need to be, to that place where you can stand proud and strong, knowing that you have chosen to quit drinking for good for you and you alone. That is all up to you.

This is a scary thing, but it is also a good thing. There is your entire world at stake, riding on your ability, and that is scary. The good part, is that you can do this. You can do this, and you will do this, for the simple reason that you must.

Onward, 13.

Nonsensical

I can't think of any reason one couldn't go to CBT in the afternoon and AA in the evening (or vice versa). Or CBT on Monday and AA on Tuesday. I'm not advocating either, but if your brother makes AA a condition of his help and you think CBT would be more beneficial, there's no reason you can't do both.

Best of Luck to You!

13unluckyforsom

You always nail it. My brother is making a huge donation from his emotional currency. But even the biggest guilt trip in the world will not get me to my happy place - I do realise this and it has to come from my big plan. Without that I don't have any choices. Without that I exist only as a memory in my head of somebody I used to know or somebody I'm hoping to be.

MythOfSisyphus

I wish you well, 13unluckyforsom! Being sober can be difficult, at least at first. But you know how hard it is to live your life being drunk. It's no life at all, really.

rowd44

Time will ease the strong desire but the desire will never go away if you don't work on the root causes in your life. Quitting for 90 days is big deal but you likely will drink again if you are not delving and working from the inside out. As an alcoholic my most natural reaction is to pick up a drinking. I have to constantly work on this and be aware of it. If you don't have a strong foundation the house will eventually fall. Just food for thought, best of luck friend

Dee74

Best wishes emily

D

13unluckyforsom

Thanks - I've came to the place now that I realise I need to work on myself too. I realise that nobody who is happy or fulfilled wakes up every day and thinks 'I need to get smashed' or 'I'm going to get so drunk I don't remember whole days'

My beast is going daft he was about to start the blame game - granted I don't deserve the hurt I've had this past year and a half but all I do by drinking is make a bad day worse.

Today's day 3 of no drinking - but day 1 being here and tonight we are sitting down to talk about the plan together, me my brother and his girl. Maybe a bit scared of what's expected of me but also quietly calm and greatful for this opportunity.

13unluckyforsom

I want to go out today and buy a notebook I can write in but that might not be possible so if I can't then you lot may have to listen to my ramblings till I get rid of this confused thinking.

HeadLump

Ramble away, 13. It's so good to see you back and fighting again

freshstart57

Journalling is strong and powerful mindfulness, 13. Just use some notepaper, no fancy shmancy moleskine is required. Put it to paper, throw it away. Rinse and repeat. Onward!

13unluckyforsom

I'm thinking while the weather's so nice if I take an hour or two a day and go sit by the river or somewhere peaceful and just write whatever randomness I feel it might help me focus. Right now I've found a bench and a tree to look at - easy pleased haha

MythOfSisyphus

Sounds like a very good plan, 13unluckyforsom.

13unluckyforsom

Thought I'd check in for a wee update - so I'm still doing well. I volunteered to a hospice today so I'm waiting on them to contact me I've been going out every day walking and just smelling the roses. Sleeping and eating. I feel so much better it's great.

freshstart57

This seems to me to be the sorta lifestyle that a quality person like you deserves, Emily. Some peace and serenity, some beauty and a little happiness once in a while. Alcohol never can take that from you again. Onward!

13unluckyforsom

I'm thinking it agrees with my soul funny you remembered my name. I'm impressed. Hope your doing well.

MythOfSisyphus

The important thing is to know you can do it. Not think you can but know it. I am in the camp that uses AVRT which is similar to CBT. It has really helped me, if you haven't looked into it it's worth doing a search for it. It's not always easy but it's possible to stop drinking...and once you do an entirely different kind of life is not only possible but inevitable.

Life sober is maybe difficult but in reality life is just difficult. We all come from some place different personality-wise and situation-wise; some of us are dealt bad hands. But I have come to believe that life is only 15% what 'happens to us' and 85% how we deal with what happens. Lots of people who have all the 'cards' to be happy make themselves miserable while people who on the face of things have nothing are sometimes very fulfilled and happy.

Sorry if this is a ramble! Just trying to encourage you. Right now you just need to make a leap of faith. You can have doubts but for the next 90 days set the doubts aside. Allow yourself to believe and work whatever steps are in front of you.

You can do this!

13unluckyforsom

I feel good but I don't think I "know" that I can do it yet. I'm still in a love/hate frame of mind over alcohol. I think maybe the longer I'm stopped my brain will catch up. I'm not going to drink because I don't want to once I play the tape but it's like breaking up with someone because you know it's not working - it's ok perhaps to miss someone or something you no longer want or can live with in your life? Maybe this thinking is dangerous or just simply unproductive but it's what's going on.