when will I stop doing this to myelf?
 

don't know what is wrong with my case. many people have said the same thing, but I could swear I have tried about everything.
I have posted on this forum many times, and many times encouraging new comers or relapsers and telling them how I have been there and that there's always a solution, that they will make it.
I can not do that anymore, since I myself am still in the rut.
I have been in AA in and out for years, I have finally gotten Rational recovery the book and reading it for the second time(loved it) by the way.
I pray everyday. I use every and all the tool, yet I drunk twice in a matter of 2 weeks. and when I say drank, I mean heavy duty drinking with heavy duty consequences. someone might say, you should stick to one program and follow it, I did that, you would say try everything, I also did that.
If I am posting here is that I am already feeling a bit better, because after I screw up, I blame myelf of course first and then I blame God, AA, AVRT....I tell myself none of it works or maybe there' something else wrong with me.
oh yes, I alo see a Psychiatrist, I was at a psych ward a month ago and got out of rehab couple of week ago.
A of today I am Ok. I am back here typing my frutration away Again, praying Again(know this is a secular thread), will finish AVRT book for the secong time Again, will talk to my AA sponsor Again. when will this stop? I am not new at this recovery thing. If you read this whole thing, I thank you for your time. I had to write my frustration out here, where else can I do it. just doing this make me feel that I am back to being the sober me. Thank you

Maybe your mindset that nothing works is working against you. The power of negative thinking.

People attain and maintain sobriety every day. You can too.

NotInControl, try this: imagine you, as you wish to be. What are you like? What do you like to do? Are you happy? Are you confident? Are you generous and kind? How do others see you?

Think on these questions for a while, and then see what you need to do to be that person. I bet that never drinking is part of this picture, and the place to start becoming this person you imagine is to understand this. You may become this person if you choose, but the first step is to understand you can become this person or you can drink, but you cannot do both.

In the early days any of us can quit for a time. Eventually some challenge comes to us and drinking perhaps looks attractive enough to consider justifying a drink. At that moment things can change or they can remain the same old same old. Whatever the choice made, in whatever way its made, life goes on sober or drunk. Knowing this can create a new understanding of how important and powerful your choices can be in your life. Some quit and just naturally do the thing they need to do to stay quit and make for themselves a better life. Some others quit and for a time need to help others and be helped in return and from there they move on with a better life. And still others need to fully invest and engage for an undefined time, and from there they create a better life as they continue to freely give back to others while also receiving.

In your own words above of sharing with others, just in doing so makes you feel back to being sober, so this is really a significant insight into yourself and how you can proceed and continue forward without failing yourself. Keep the sharing going. Keep doing what works for YOU. Don't ever settle for generalizations and works-for-every-body-else solutions. One size recovery approaches usually fail big time for those individuals who want the very best from themselves going forward. You obviously want more than one size for all. Bravo!

:)

Exactly. It's the law of attraction.. if we think only negative thoughts, we will invite into our world only negative thoughts. We have to be hopeful and think of positive things, of solutions. It will start to work out once you do this, I think!

notincontrol all the above and maybe even change your nick name...to incontrol.....start there....you can do, we are......one life at a time...

Stewart888? I had that nickname for a while, it started I guess when I was using Aa alone as my program of recovery whereas I am powereless and my HP is in control.
you're probably right, I should change it.lol

Great idea to change from being not in control to being in control.

I found AVRT last week and I'm firmly back in control. I've been keeping a diary again to note what I'm eating, drinking, smoking, doing, feeling, thinking and I'm starting to notice the pattern. ( I like to replace my addictions with others; currently working on my caffeine intake!) it's getting to know myself again and put myself back in the driving seat of my life. I am an adult, I am going through a 'growing up' phase in order to be prepared to meet the next stage in my life (40 soon)

When I was 17 I genuinely believed I would be dead by 40 (could still happen!) the difference now is that I want to get there singing, dancing, laughing with my jingly-jangly bells on to celebrate the miracle of my life and be able to remember the good times, the happy times and to get more of the same in the future so my memories will change and when I'm no longer able to enjoy the freedom's I have now I can look back with minimal regret.

Deeper & deeper I go into the depths of myself shining light and hope to the darkest corners of my soul, reaching out a hand to my fear and introducing it to Joy.

More waffle sorry, it's therapeutic for me!

Hope for you

SoberRecoveryApp via mini Zebra iPad

Most people are driven by fear rather than desire.

We drink because it helps us cope with our fear - liquid courage - and we stop when the consequences of our drinking are sufficiently frightening.

Once we've been sober for a period, our fear of the consequences of drinking wanes, and as we still have to deal with the fear of living we turn back to our crutch.

Inebriation is incompatible with most worthy goals - and even many dubious ones - so shifting the focus of your life from avoiding fear to the pursuit of desire is a tailor-made solution to the endless cycle of relapse.

Fear got me to seek help at SMART. Desire has kept me there.

Here is what I see ...

"notincontrol" "my case" "I could swear I have tried" "I can not" "I am in the rut" "I drunk" "when I say drank, I mean heavy duty drinking with heavy duty consequences" "I screw up" "I blame myself" "I blame God" "something wrong with me" "I see a Psychiatrist" "psych ward" "rehab"

You are poisoning yourself with your own self-perception. Time to reframe your reality.

The hard truth is that you appear to be on a mission to prove to yourself that nothing works, that you are a "case" and a hard and hopeless one at that.

You are none of the above. You are a powerful and intelligent human being and you are in control of the choices you make. You don't need programs or shrinks or rehab or psych wards. All you need is in your own head. You need to change your perception of yourself. That is all.

I know of this woman who has been in and out, in and out, of treatment programs for her alcohol addiction for literally YEARS. Every time I turn around she's in detox or in rehab or seeing a new shrink or getting an ambulance ride to or from somewhere. What a sucky life. And every time she gets ON the wagon and then falls OFF the wagon she is rekindling her addiction, which only makes it more powerful and damages her brain more. I would rather go back to being a full-fledged drunk than be like her -- continually failing, over and over, at the same thing. And of course she is spending tens of thousands on all these therapeutic adventures.

The answer is: That the Answer is not in any book or treatment or AA group or pill.

The Answer lies in YOU. If YOU want to quit, then you can. Period.

I am not giving you a lecture, what I am trying to do is tell you a great secret that few people seem to know. There is a short cut through all the programs and steps and other crap, and it is right in your own heart and head and easy to get at. There is NOTHING wrong with you. Absolutely NOTHING. You are complete in yourself and you can walk out of this right now just by making a choice. Believe it. Belief in yourself is the key that turns in the lock that opens the door that gets you out.