DaveyT

You know the weather is nice again and although I'm not able to fully enjoy it because of the pain and maximum meds it has put me in a comtemplative mood. Maybe it's the painkillers having an effect but as I watched a ladybird struggling to crawl over a rock it just seemed to trigger some thoughts.

I know why I was drinking, to cope with the pain, both physical and emotional that is caused by my condition. I have no traumatic family history, abuse, criminal past or anything like that to blame, just the illness but we all have our excuses. I've been thinking about some of the times I've been really drunk, I was never the kind who went out and caused trouble, didn't scream and shout at people or break property. Well I mean I couldn't because of my illness. I was the kind to sit alone, drinking myself into nothing and as I've tried to remember some of those moments I've realised just how sad I felt each time I lifted the glass to drink. That deep sadness of just feeling as if you're going through the motions of life, robotic repitition, numbness. Then there were the days after, waking up in terrible pain, made worse by the actions of alcohol on the nervous system and so desperately in need for that next drink.

I really am glad I've managed to stay sober, life is still very hard but it's a hell of a lot better than it was when I was drinking, if only for the pride that I'm in control of my addiction. At the time I didn't even consider the fact that the drink, while masking the pain while it was in my system was actually making the pain worse!

Felt the need to share this, probably seems stupid but it hit me quite hard.

DaveyT

I feel like I'm updating this quite a bit lately, sorry about that.

02:39 here and I've woken up because of the awful nightmares I'm having as a result of these medications. Not sure what to do about this, I know eventualy the pain will reduce and I'll be taking less of them but these nightmares disturbing my sleep end up making the pain worse.

Just not sure what to do with myself. I really have been feeling a bit sorry for myself the last week, pretty pathetic really.

MythOfSisyphus

Nightmares really suck, Davey. I have always have really vivid dreams, often nightmares, and after I stopped drinking I began to take an herbal supplement (Melatonin) to help me sleep. This really put the nightmares into overdrive, and some were so harrowing I would wake up screaming, unable to get back to sleep. I feel for you, it's a disconcerting experience.

On the bright side, maybe one of my nightmares will be made into a movie someday!

Received

The one good thing about nightmares for me, is waking up and realizing it was just a horrible dream, unlike drinking where I'd be waking up to a real nightmare of self loathing, fear, anxiety and deep shame.

When I was having to take morphine cocktail in the hospital I had horrible dreams and I was receiving the morphine cocktail through an epidural not IV. I'll never forget some of those scary crazy dreams.

DaveyT

It sounds so childish doesn't it, "oh no I'm having nightmares wahhh" lol. But when it's so very real and terrible because of the medication you're on it's a different story. Last night I dreamed all my teeth fell out, I remember I was eating a meal and a tooth came loose, then another, then all of them. In the dream I looked in the mirror, I woke up having a full panic attack as my body was full of adrenaline.

Calmed down pretty fast once I was awake but it gives you some idea of how bad an opiate nightmare can be. There are others I could mention even worse but I won't.

MythOfSisyphus

Even the nightmares I get from Melatonin will get me pretty rattled, the opiate ones must be even worse. It's tough when even sleep isn't a refuge.

Received

Doesn't sound childish at all, Davey. Those dreams came seem more real than life itself sometimes. Every sense can heightened, sharpened. I even dreamed scents or smells. FREAKY!

I still, at times, have problems sleeping and just as I'm falling off to sleep I'll be jolted awake by this feeling of impending doom. I HATE IT and when that happens it makes it hard to want to try and go back to sleep for fear of it happening again.

Sorry you're going through this.

Received

Stopping by to say hi, Davey.

Hope you're doing better.

MythOfSisyphus

It's finals time at school so I haven't been here as much this week but I hope things are well, Davey.

DaveyT

Hey everyone, sorry for the lack of replies but I've been so unwell I've just not been able to type one. I tried a few times but had to give up after a few sentences.

I'm still sober, no problems on that front. However I have been in a lot of pain, exhausted because of it, mostly bedbound at the moment. Along with the pain all my muscles are incredibly stiff, making it very hard to move. The sad part is when this has happened before it causes a permanent reduction in my ability due to culmulative damage. I will recover better than I am now though so looking forward to that.

Wish I had better news.

MythOfSisyphus

That sucks, but it's still good to hear from you. I wish there was something more useful to say than "hang in there" but I guess there's not. I hope that you can at least take some satisfaction in staying sober. It's one thing you can control in a world that's often beyond our control.

Feel better soon, Davey.

Received

Hey Davey. I am so sorry to hear you're in so much pain and having such a hard go of it.

Like Myth posted, you're not drinking and that counts for something.

MythOfSisyphus

Well, I hope you're not feeling too lousy, Davey. I am! Just got my basement cleaned up a bit and set up my old Total Gym again. Been getting back into the swing of working out. Just turned 45 this month after all. Actually almost queasy after my workout tonite! I'm trying to start out slow with baby steps 'cause I'm not in great shape. The first few weeks is hard, like most things.

If you're too sore to post I hope you can at least read! We're thinking of you, Davey!

DaveyT

Hey Myth, you know I was just about to post and wasn't expecing any replies or updates from others so it was a lovely surprise to see your message/progress. I think it's fantastic you're getting back into the weight training, as you say at 45 it's going to be tricky but hey thats the perfect time to put your body in order. I mean it's way more difficult at 60 than 45 so you can hopefully set yourself up with a good base for your older years. You keep at it, you won't be winning the olympics but you can make your body good and healthy, improve bone strength etc. Believe me when you have a rubbish body like mine you really appreiciate such things.

I have been checking in daily to read the progress of others even if I don't post anything.

I'm happy to say I think I'm over the worst of things. I did have to have a temporary increase in pain meds, I didn't want it but truthfully I was caught screaming into a pillow and so family pressure meant I ended up on more. Truthfully I'm glad they found me like that as the larger dose gave me some peace instead of stupidly suffering. I just didn't want more as it felt like some kind of failure which I know is just stupid but I think you guys know where I was coming from in trying to resist any increase.

My doctor is very good and I've been altering my dose depending upon the pain levels I feel. Each morning I've gotten into a routine, I wake up, move about a little bit and then decide how much I need. After a night sleeping the pain is always worse just because my muscles tense up overnight so it's essential I get a bit of movement and stretching in first before I judge the pain levels.

It's 2am here now and actually I've had a nice night. I sat outside for maybe 2 hours in the peaceful darkness. I don't live in the country but I dont' live ina busy city either so at night it is very quite, a good time to think and reflect when you can't sleep. It's nice being ina quite area, no sirens, no shouting or banging or other stuff you get in cities. I'm off to bed now before the pain meds wear off.

Still I'm really learning to appreiciate those quite moments, time to think and just try and let the mind wander. Feeling almost zen lol.

Anyway thank you everyone for continuing to follow me and my journey thourgh both sobriety and my other illness. I can't thank you guys enough really. That's one of the thoughts I had sitting out there tonight in the cool night air. The reality is without this place I really would not be sober, I mean I like to think I would be but in reality the support you guys have offered, the suggestions, the guides and just the stories I read about other peoples recovery have provided me with a great deal of strength.

Even if I don't post, remember I'm lurking around :P

MythOfSisyphus

It's a nice night here, too. Got a few days off this week, won't work til Friday. My vaca is piling up and I gotta use some or lose some. I went for my nightly walk and it was great aside from the soreness (overdid it with the squats and my legs are like rubber). Glad you could sit out and enjoy the night air. That's something I haven't done much since I quit drinking. It's not that I wouldn't enjoy it, just haven't thought to to it much. Except while camping. In nice weather I generally get in at least 15-20 camping & hiking trips each summer/fall. Many times it's just an overnighter but it's awesome get out in the forest away from the city lights. It's not a densely populated state where I live so once I get out in the woods there are more stars than you could imagine. I will sit by the fire and just watch the flames and the stars all night.

I'm getting to appreciate the silence and just 'being in the moment' a lot more now that I'm sober. As corny as it sounds it's just such a gift to be alive! Maybe I'd feel differently if I had to face the kind of physical pain you do, Davey, but to me it's just so remarkable...our ability to think and feel. Compared to a star we're just motes of dust but even the mightiest galaxy doesn't have our ability to feel and understand itself like we do.

Received

Good to hear from you, Davey, and it's great to know you're feeling better.

I live out in the country..sort of..but in a small apartment community. We've a few resident crazies but for the most part evenings are quiet. I, too, enjoy sitting out at those times.

DaveyT

I sit outsie in the sun as well of course but at night everything is peaceful and still. I once saw an owl land on our fence, absolutely silent when it landed, like a ghost, beautiful thing but I couldn't tell what kind it was due to the dark. Occasionally I hear a hegehog or something snuffling around, and once a fox scared the living hell out of me when it jumped the fence. I think the weirdest thing are the dros, suddenly seeing this ting sort of hopping along when you're not expecting it lol.

Unfortunately even though it's not a big city I live in, and I do live on the very ege of it, the light pollution is still really bad. It's actually bad all over the UK, very few clear spots. Only seen the stars in their full glory a couple of times, once in Scotland and on a ferry in the middle of the Irish sea. Wonderful when you see the full thing.

Received

Hah! We had a fox family here a few years ago. I once walked down to throw something in the dumpster and out jumped a fox. I don't know who was more scared, the fox or me.

We've also a groundhog that likes to come out in the early morning and sit at the edge of the grass, right where the tree line starts. He's a lot of fun to watch as he rolls around and digs for grubs or clover or whatever they eat. Every once in a while, he'll sit straight up and turn his head from left to right. He's been around for the last few years. Only ever see the one but surely there must be others.

And the deer. Oh my. They come out early morning and just before dusk. This year, so far, no fawns as of yet. We had a longer then usual cold spell so I think they got a late start. It's a lot of fun watching them when their moms bring them out to graze. They love to play, jump and chase each other.

We've hawks and falcons too. Oh, and buzzards (yuck!).

Yeah...well...I guess I'm blathering on. Again.

DaveyT

Ahh seeing deer on your own property must be lovely, I've seen them in the wild but I wouldn't see one around here.

Doing ok today, bit tired but the pain isn't too bad, using the smallest dose of painkillers I can so that's a good sign. It's interesting to see how this thread has changed recently, it does seem that appreciating small things in life is helpful to sobriety and just happiness in general.

DaveyT

Not related to sobriety but just a really nice thing that happened to me today.

I've been spending a lot of time in bed due to my condition and I happened to mention to a friend that my wrist and arm was very painful beause using the laptop pad was becoming difficult. Just holding my arm in that position and the constant swiping back and forward over the pad etc.

Anyway she turned up today with a trackball mouse. I can completely relax my arm and use my laptop now, and she got me a special pillow for people who spend a lot of time in bed and it's really helped my back already.

I don't have many friends but the ones I have are brilliant