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Back again...starting over again.

Old 11-14-2013, 03:26 PM
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Smile Back again...starting over again.

Hello,

I haven't been here in a while. I somehow managed to convince myself that I was able to "moderate" over the last few months. Huge failure.

I really hate having this issue. I no longer blame myself for the addiction, but for my actions...one step at a time, I guess. I have tried RR and AVRT in the past, but I found that the whole denial of "alcoholism" as a disease was not productive to my life of emotional sobriety. Yes, I understand that my actions are my own. I understand that every time I drink, it is my choice. For me, at least, not seeing addiction as a disease with a genetic component was denying, or downplaying the pull it has on me, as well as the very critical nature of addiction.

I really want this to be my last detox. It certainly is no fun going through this. I am so tired of hangovers, fatigue, weight gain, etc. It is time for me to face the issues that arose during my last period of sobriety: what to do with all the extra time; the sudden realization that your life was turning to s#& and that there is so much repair work to do; dealing with b.o.r.e.d.o.m. I am at day one, but I remember how nice it felt to be clear-headed and focused not too long ago. I am looking forward to mastering emotional sobriety and feeling well again.

Thanks for the support throughout this year.

-First
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Old 11-14-2013, 03:40 PM
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1stthingsfirst, Back again...starting over again? You are FANTASTIC. Rootin for ya.
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Old 11-14-2013, 05:58 PM
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good for you for getting back on the wagon.
I thought I could moderate too after two years of sobriety.
Bad plan. Detox really sucked for me also after that.

So you aren't alone. What's your plan for staying sober for the long haul 1st?
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Old 11-14-2013, 06:07 PM
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Yes. Moderation is a tricky lie; at least for me it is. It is like someone with a disease saying that they are "cured" because they wished it away.

My plan, I guess, is to stay sober. I hope I have had enough experience this year with what works and what doesn't. Number one, is finally accepting that there is no magic way for me to moderate and be normal. I just cannot do it. Relapses are hard and so are the withdrawals after you realize you need to sober up.

Part of my trigger was that I stopped running. The weather was getting hot, and instead of doing early-morning runs, I stopped running for a couple of months.
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Old 11-14-2013, 07:18 PM
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Glad you made it back in one piece 1st. I totally know the feeling - I'm 5 days back from thinking I could moderate and that turning into not caring anymore and saying F it. Hope you can find a way that really resonates with you. I am giving the AVRT a hard try. In fact, I am not looking at it as trying. I am doing. No choice. I am not denying that I am a full fledged addict. I differentiate between my AV and ME (recognize). But I can't remove my AV from my brain… it's in there and not going anywhere. So no matter what, it's a part of me. And I am only as strong as my weakest part, which is my AV. So I need to make sure I stay on my game so the addict in me doesn't take over. It's terrifying thinking that someday this drive will subside. That's the worst part of this burden. Disease, issue, challenge, problem… (I say) call it whatever you want. It's not going anywhere. But I do believe over time, with diligence and HARD WORK, the addict inside me will chill the F out a bit. In the meantime I need to serve it a daily beatdown one way or another. Be it through working out so hard I can't move, coming on here and typing about how I'm feeling until my eyes can't stay open, reading literature that motivates me and gives me tools, talking to healthy friends, etc etc… I have to be aware. Always. For now.

Take it easy friend.

Chris
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Old 11-15-2013, 05:15 AM
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I think the addict inside does chill when it really gets that you finally mean it.

It has for me. I was so shocked by the depth of my relapse and how terrible with detox was due to kindling, that I decided that was it for good and ever, with no little "maybes" or exceptions for drinking again.

I meant and I mean it, and boy, the AV made a half-a$$ effort and has really backed off since then. I finally feel that this can, with continued vigilance, be over for me. I go days sometimes without even thinking about drinking or not drinking. That's a first.

So there is light at the end of serious intention and commitment. That's not to say that I don't / won't have moments of weakness and stress, but the longer I am sober the less I feel that Mr. AV can get in the driver's seat.
It's worth working towards :-)
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Old 11-15-2013, 06:59 AM
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good to see you going for this again, First.
the delusion that "this time will be different" took me a long time to see as the deception it was.
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Old 11-15-2013, 09:01 AM
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Originally Posted by Hawkeye13 View Post
I think the addict inside does chill when it really gets that you finally mean it.

It has for me. I was so shocked by the depth of my relapse and how terrible with detox was due to kindling, that I decided that was it for good and ever, with no little "maybes" or exceptions for drinking again.

I meant and I mean it, and boy, the AV made a half-a$$ effort and has really backed off since then. I finally feel that this can, with continued vigilance, be over for me. I go days sometimes without even thinking about drinking or not drinking. That's a first.

So there is light at the end of serious intention and commitment. That's not to say that I don't / won't have moments of weakness and stress, but the longer I am sober the less I feel that Mr. AV can get in the driver's seat.
It's worth working towards :-)

That is sage advice. I am in the midst of kindling and it sucks. I really do not want to go through this again. During my recent relapse, I remember most of the time I had the wherewithal to realize that I hated it; I hated being addicted and drinking just wasn't fun. I was just drinking to stave off withdrawals. Pretty sad, really.
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Old 11-15-2013, 10:03 AM
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If you are using AVRT, I would take some sober time and carefully review your understanding. Someone who uses AVRT doesn't 'somehow convince themselves they are able to moderate', nor do they believe that if they stop their morning runs, they are doomed to relapse. This is Addictive voice thinking, and, if you have made a big plan, and hold the RR definition of the AV, you don't act on these thoughts.
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Old 11-15-2013, 10:15 AM
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You are right freshstart. I definitely stopped doing the AVRT program. I got sloppy and with the alcoholic's short memory, I got lazy. The thing is, I have a few medical conditions that I have to constantly monitor, like asthma, etc. I know that I have to change my thinking about addiction. I do frequent peak-flow readings and use my nebulizer when I am wheezing; I just have not given the same amount of attention and regular maintenance to my addiction to alcohol. It is really silly, especially when alcohol additiction is more serious to my health than my asthma at this point.

Also, I am not sure AVRT is the right thing for me, in the end. There are many aspects to it that I have valued, at this point, I think I need to do what works best for me, which is staying active and checking my addiction by talking with others here at SR.
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Old 11-15-2013, 10:31 AM
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Hi First-

Glad your back. I really hope you find some kind of program even if it is just exercise and SR. I myself have been re-reading RR and practicing mindfulness which seems to help. Anyway, just glad your here.

Jess
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Old 11-15-2013, 01:38 PM
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I hear you. When I finally just decided to quit trying to moderate, I felt free. I really hated telling everyone I don't drink, because I thought the world would think I am just a problem and not want to associate with me due to the stigma of drinking issues. But, I gave up, went out and lived the best life I could openly committed to not drinking for the first time. I decided I'd rather die a alone sober than living this way.

My life has never been better and not drinking has never been easier. Now I do not drink because my life is based on sobriety.
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Old 11-17-2013, 09:02 AM
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Inspiring thread 1stthingsfirst. Thanks for posting.
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