13unluckyforsom

I'm still not drinking which is great - generally I feel so much better - this however is my first night since I've came home that I'm actually going to have to sleep in my own house. I managed 17 days avoiding this lol I feel a bit upset - a bit on edge but I'm also trying not to give in to hysteria and I am telling myself it's really no big deal. I think today's the longest amount of time I've managed to spend in my own house. I knew the day would eventually happen.

Everything's changed so much in 17 days - I'm going to try and put this in perspective for myself and say that there's so much good around me just now - I'm scared of some of the risks but maybe that's why it's called blind faith. Sometimes it just has to be enough to hope. Maybe it's ok to feel scared but do things anyway. Maybe it's the only way?

I think I'm going to stay close to this site for a few days and hopefully I can get my shield of steel working again lol I worry about feeling like this because the last time i was here alone was so bad. I've avoided being here alone because it makes me sad to think of the mess I was. I'm scared of that darkness that might still be in me.

Chrysalis7

I love this quote:
I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear.

Nelson Mandela


It is definitely okay to be scared and do things anyway. It is overcoming those moments that strengthen us. It is important though not to put yourself in dangerous situations that compromise your sobriety. If you start to feel tempted, give yourself permission to leave and come back when you feel stronger.

13unluckyforsom

Thanks that's a very fitting quote well I guess you could say that I've made it - it's 5am here. Yeyyyyy

MythOfSisyphus

Welcome home! It's maybe strange but it will be good for you to create a new healthier routine.

13unluckyforsom

Thanks Myth - I'm glad I got my first night over with and it wasn't all that bad it's a new start for me and I need to focus on the good things. So although part of me hates being 'home' at least I have a house - I'm lucky to have this and if it wasn't for this house that I dislike so much then I wouldn't have been able to come home lol

freshstart57

A meditative practice of gratitude sounds so meagre to me when the future seems bleak, but it is one of those things that has a cumulative benefit, and needs doing regularly. It's part of my mental hygiene, sort of like brushing my teeth. Maybe more like flossing.

An appreciation of the absurd and a daily dose of humour is good too.

13unluckyforsom

Lol I like the poem! I feel like I'm on a tight rope just now I'm walking a fine line between being able to be grateful or putting on the mud tinted glasses. I'm not worried about drinking - that's not even on my radar it's just trying to be comfortable on my own that's causing me anxiety. I've been reading, listening to music and cleaning - I feel like sleeping just now but that's me hiding from reality/myself so I'm going to stay awake and I think maybe find something inspirational or uplifting to pick me up just now. I will check in later.

freshstart57

13Unlucky, wait, there's more!

Monty Python - always look on the bright side of life (with lyrics) - YouTube That 's the context for the little poem snippet above.

Best to you.

13unluckyforsom

That link didn't work for me but maybe because I'm using my phone.

Anyway update lol I went to some event on Friday - I didn't realise it was going to be in a bar but it was fine I sat and drank coke - dealt with the question 'why do you not drink' and managed to have a good night. Yesterday I did want to drink - I wanted to get smashed but I didn't. Not sure why I felt like that but I didn't give in

fini

I wanted to get smashed but I didn't. Not sure why I felt like that...

13,
one thing that has been consistently helpful to me is to sit with those feelings when they came/come up and try to see exactly why i feel like that.
what about how i feel right now gets me to jump to "wanna wanna gottadrink!"? i assumed it wasn't about the actual alcohol after the first few days, but about...well, i couldn't be sure.

for me, overall, every time i've felt like that has been about wanting to get away from what i was really feeling...or from feeling anything at all
lots of discomfort, lots of new learning what to do with all those feelings when getting drunk isn't an option any more.

13unluckyforsom

I'm not sure what was going on - I was feeling good but maybe slightly stressed and that used to be an ideal reason for my beast to use as leverage.

I think the realisation is that I can't drink ever again if I want to live a peaceful life. Alcohol caused me a lot of anxiety - it really unsettled my brain chemistry and it's just easier to live without alcohol. Even the things that I used to drink 'at' their just not as much of an issue. Granted my whole life has changed in a short time but I'm learning to keep perspective and to quiet the worry - worry doesn't have any benefit. I'm trying to deal with the things that I can have control over and move on from the things I don't. I'm trying to react less. Work in progress.

HeadLump

It sounds like there's an awful lot of growing going on here, 13 I really do think you're going to be one of SR's success stories. Please keep sharing - it's very inspirational to read

jkb

Glad to hear your dealing with everything 13.... You are an inspiration....

Jess

13unluckyforsom

Friday again made it through another week! Still fighting these weekend urges - although it's not so much a fight as simply a thought that requires swatted away. Still requiring effort but I'm no longer crying over it lol

Arbor

Same here 13unlucky...weekends. Ugh. Rather be working to keep the beast away.

13unluckyforsom

I know it's finding some other way to reward yourself hmm oh well

mecanix

i abused chocolate chip ice cream in the early days as a surrogate treat …

stay strong , m

rc4dt1

This is a great thread. Really needed to read through your progression 13. Thanks for keeping it rolling. I need to keep coming on here. Tried rehabs, AA, and the such. I stay clean for a while but I don't think I'm sustaining a support network. I have no problem with the AA thing bout I have tried it at least 5 times and I have ended up back out. I get frustrated with the "shoulds" and "musts" and "or else's". This dialog seems much more encouraging and reflective. That's just my perspective. I only want to find a way that works and reading this feels good and encouraging. So, thank you.

13unluckyforsom

Hey RC nice to read you I understand your feelings regarding different methods not quite being as helpful as the masses seem to find them. I guess we are all individual and we think differently. My beast found some programmes very easy to manipulate - he always had relapse on the back burner and to me that wasn't helpful.

I love the avrt method and it's very clear cut - you almost don't have to think about it. There's no dialogue that requires effort. You decide that you don't drink and will never drink again and any contradiction of those two facts or anything that suggests ever drinking in the future is beast talk. It's not you - it's your AV - once you seperate your rational self from the AV it's actually somewhat entertaining to notice how conniving it can be.

I hope that you stick around RC - don't be afraid to talk here this part of the forum isn't always busy but I can 110% say that some of the most supportive and switched on genuine people frequent here and will always have your best interests at heart. My inbox is open if you ever want a chat and even if you can't see it just yet - you have everything you need inside you to win this fight - you have to believe in your worth because it's evidently there you can do this!

rc4dt1

Awe thanks! I'm already feeling some good support in here. I read the AVRT class last night and did the flash cards. It was really eye opening and seemed to resonate inside me. I just have to keep reminding myself that I am not my beast and focus on that differentiation until it becomes second nature.

Like tonight I was walking home from the office and my beast told me I had no life because I was not going out to nightclubs and bars or pool parties and drinking parties on the beach in the summer… all these reasons why I wasn't "cool" and had no life. But I realized that's a bunch of crap because my beast has no life. When I'm all jacked up on whatever I isolate, make a fool of myself, or have no recollection to consider a good memory! I have nothing to show for my beast.

I have a lot to show for what "I" have chose and done in my life.

Now the key is not to forget it or get complacent. Coming here regularly will serve as that reminder I think.

Thanks again