Stark reality of being a non drinker

Old 10-26-2013, 11:12 AM
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Stark reality of being a non drinker

I will try to make this as brief as possible. I have been sober for the 14 months. It truly has not been that hard. I was so desperate to get my life back that I was willing to do just about anything to get that crap out of my life. Through the help of SR and AVERT- I am completely a non drinker. Period. I don't miss it one bit and I can't believe I wasted 10 years getting drunk almost every single night on wine. What a waste. Anyway,,,,

I am not sure I made the best decisions for myself while drinking. I got divorced- that needed to happen and I got remarried and that- SHOULD NEVER HAVE HAPPENED. I regret it to the core of my being. I knew there were red flags everywhere, but you see, a couple glasses of wine and I could convince myself that all would be ok once we were married! It was a constant party for crying out loud!!

My husband drinks almost every night. He has never addressed my not drinking and in fact pretty much ignores it. I have never asked for support or sympathy. I was quitting no matter what. He got it after the first 20 times he asked me if I wanted a drink. He didn't want me to quit. I really don't care. But< here is one of the many problems: I have quit. He has now decided to start distilling his own vodka and has spent thousands of dollars on distillery equipment. Is it just me or is this STRANGE??? I am not walking around jonesing for a drink- I am pissed at the lack of respect and no, he did not discuss this with me. I am on a need to know basis. I want to know if anyone else has had this experience.

Please note: I don't care if he drinks. It' s just that this feels off..... Not right. Kind of a backhanded slap or something. It's like a weird mind game - at least to me.

Maybe, I am completely off base and it is normal to have a spouse that kinda likes to taunt one. I welcome all input!!! Thank you guys.... I had to vent this out.

Have a wonderful and sober day! God it feels so good to be free!!
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:41 AM
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That home distillery needs a license, even for personal consumption.

Unlike wine or beer, the laws and regulations governing distilled spirits contain no provision that would allow someone to produce spirits in their home for personal use. Under 26 U.S.C. Section 5171 operations as a distiller, warehouseman or processor may be conducted only on the bonded premises of a qualified distilled spirits plant. To qualify such a plant, a registration, application for permit and bond must be filed in addition to other supporting organizational documents. 26 U.S.C. 5178 places restrictions on where a plant can be located.

There's some more stark reality for you, ashbyee, and it's up to you what you do with this info. Congratulations on your sobriety, too.
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Old 10-26-2013, 11:44 AM
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Hi. I can relate to the issues with your husband. I quit drinking in March last year. I grew up in an alcoholic home, had drunk all my adult life and knew of no other way to live really. I met my husband in a pub and we had been married for 21 years when I decided enough was enough and quit.

He reacted in much the same way as your husband. He made no real comment. Knowing him as well as I do, I just knew he was threatened by the changes in me as I became sober and clear-headed. Our relationship had been good for the vast majority of our marriage but things were certainly deteriorating towards the end. Frequent blackouts, angry words, regretful behaviour, and a million things left unsaid that should have been addressed were suddenly exposed, and he just dived head first into the bottle. I wanted him so much to join me in sobriety, but instead he tried to sabotage it at every turn. Packing the fridge full of alcohol, pouring me a glass, inviting all our drinking friends over etc etc. I loved him but quite honestly don't know how much longer I could have stood it. He also had a few frightening alcohol induced psychotic episodes which terrified me. In short, our marriage was living on borrowed time.

Maybe your husband is just threatened by your sobriety the way mine was. You are the one who has changed and he can't or doesn't want to keep up. Have you talked all this over with him?
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Old 10-26-2013, 01:46 PM
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He doesn't think I have a problem- and that is another problem. His father was and is an abusive alcoholic- and I really - I suppose didn't seem that bad compared to his dad. This is a disaster and I really appreciate the input. And freshstart- thank you for info - I know it's illegal. I HATE that and also thank you for helping me- 14 mos ago you helped me save my life- forever greatfull. Ash
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Old 10-26-2013, 07:26 PM
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Originally Posted by ashbyee View Post
He doesn't think I have a problem- and that is another problem. ...
Once you made your BIG PLAN, AVRT (not AVERT) suggests that you no longer have a problem because Recognition is effortless. But I know what you mean -his Beast misses your Beast and is deeply threatened by the possibility that you've actually given your Beast the fatal blow.

If I were in your shoes, and wanted to try to save (or establish for the first time) a meaningful relationship, I would call my spouse on what might be a bluff.

I would do a little research and buy my spouse a couple books on how to start a micro-distillery and emphatically demand that it be done right, lawfully, or adios amigos. I wouldn't be party to anything so stupid to give me fines, lawyer fees, and a criminal record.
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Old 10-27-2013, 01:24 AM
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I have to add that following a messy relapse from me last May, he did give up drinking and we both remain sober to this day.

Our relationship grew from that moment. It is different now, more real. I don't think he has ever really accepted his issues with alcohol were as bad as mine. Our alcoholic brains re-write the scripts and he chooses to forget the bad stuff. I don't know if this makes him more vulnerable to relapse or not but he has said he won't drink again and he won't change his mind. He's single minded and stubborn so I believe that will be the case.

Your husband sounds completely wrapped up in his alcoholic thinking. Of course he doesn't think you have a problem, that might make him question his own.... I don't know what to say about the distillery. It probably makes complete sense to him. Whether or not he's doing it to taunt you makes little difference really. He's doing it despite you. We alcoholics are all selfish and self-absorbed to the extreme.

It sounds a difficult situation. Just what are you getting from the relationship right now?
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Old 10-27-2013, 02:40 AM
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That's a tough situation for sure, Ashbyee. It's probably pretty tough for a relationship to survive between two alcoholics after one gets sober and the other one doesn't. He's threatened by your sobriety and by the idea of change. You quitting probably makes him feel like he's being implicated. And of course, he knows you're in no position to call BS on his drinking so long as you drink, too.

The home distillery looks like a real passive agressive deal breaker to me. First off it's patently illegal; if there's any legal fallout it will likely fall on you, too. Plus, it does seem a little over the top. Booze is probably a bigger part of his identity than it should be.

What do you plan to do? I too was married years ago, and it had to end. My ex-wife and I never should have gotten married but we were young and stupid, and it seemed like something we had to do. It's amazing how we can overlook things we know to be true.

At this point it's not even that he'll drag you down with him. It's more the issue that, having wasted so many years of your own life on booze, do you want to waste even more on someone else's drinking? Someone that's so obsessed with booze that they're distilling their own...what do you see the next 20 years being like?

Again, a tough situation!
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Old 10-27-2013, 07:07 AM
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Thank you everyone. So much. You know, getting sober or deciding you are a non drinker- whatever you want to call it- is sort of the easy part. It's this cleaning up the mess you made of your life is that is the hard part! I really appreciate the input and again- you wonderful people have helped me- I just couldn't articulate what exactly it was that is bothering me so much about this. A. I was not considered or consulted and B. I CAN BE IMPLICATED!!! C. Booze is a bigger part of his identity than I ever really notices. Thank you Myth!
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