ImperfectlyMe

Hello fellow classmates so at 4&1/2 months sober I'm coming to a place of discomfort. SR has been my only support thus far. Lately I'm dealing with feelings of resentment anger boredom frustration mood swings disconnection tension anxiety. After many have advised me that I need more in my recovery than just not drinking I thought I have nothing to loose by trying. Nothing against AA ( have no experience) I just don't think I'm a good fit.

Sooo I guess I'm not sure what's next what techniques to try groups ect....? I hate to come off stupid but are the secular groups actual groups you physical go to or are they teachings that you practice? Again sorry for the probably stupid questions just really new at this!
Want so badly to find balance and happiness in my sobriety. I got the no drinking thing down now I need to figure out the rest!

awuh1

Hmmmm, First of all I wonder if you are familiar with PAWS (post-acute withdrawal syndrome). After quitting alcohol the emotional roller coaster can go on far longer than you might think possible.

I have to wonder about believing you are not a good fit for any given program or method of recovery. In that regard a fitting quotation comes to mind. It’s not by Herbert Spencer BTW (even before modifications).

"There is a principle which is a bar against all information,
which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail
to keep a man in everlasting ignorance—that principle is
dismissal prior to investigation."


That shoe may yet fit upon much closer inspection.

Soberpotamus

I read lots and lots of books. That helped a great deal, getting as much info as I could, from different perspectives. I always try to find the common threads... and take the things I like from each, or what impress me as the important concepts in each book.

I've also worked on a daily routine for the past 4 1/2 months (I think we have about the same sober time) as well... and tried out different things to find what might work for me. Some of my daily routine includes: exercise (moderate), meditation, reading & posting daily affirmations, morning coffee, a vitamin regimen, journaling, a separate gratitude journal, writing (not recovery related), reading (recovery and non-recovery) chores and errands around the house, keeping appts (therapy, group therapy, volunteering, and writing group), time outside soaking up some sun, and time with my husband. If I catch myself not doing these things, it's a red flag... so I monitor my sobriety by gauging my daily activities (balance) and keeping track of my emotional state in my journal.

All these things really work for me... and I feel that, now coming up on five months, I've had a shift that might be called spiritual in nature, maybe the "spiritual awakening" referred to by AA. Something along those lines anyway

My cravings left me at the beginning, in April. Thankfully, I haven't had to contend with those like some seem to. And this is my 3rd go around, as far as quitting drinking. I always had cravings before, not this time though... so I know something is vastly different. Maybe my commitment is solid? And I'm following through, making the lifestyle changes.

So... that is what has worked for me so far. But we all just have to find the things that work for each of us. You are doing great, insofar as you are coming up against this discomfort, and questioning things... and knowing you need to work on more. And that you are staying sober despite these feelings... great job!!

Hope you find the path that works for you.

ImperfectlyMe

Thanks Jennie I like your routine!

Awuh you are correct in that I shouldn't make blind judgement. I'm not a posed to AA and get I might wind up there in the end. I just wanted to get involved and work with other programs first.

Soberpotamus

Well... I have tried AA, Women For Sobriety, SMART, and I even read Rational Recovery and tried the AVRT route for a while. There are good things about all these programs. Right now, I don't attend any meetings other than a weekly continuing care meeting at the rehab where I did my 20 day outpatient. And I do see a therapist every 1-2 weeks. But if I had to pick one program to follow (and thankfully, I don't... we have choices!) I'd probably go with WFS. Now, I'd love to find an ACOA 12 step meeting nearby! I think I'd like to do the 12 steps from that angle. ACOA is for adult children of alcoholics.

Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there... I suggest reading some info on all of these. In fact, why not buy the program book from each one and see which one you like best?

ImperfectlyMe

On amazon now! Hate to see the book clerks face buying those in person with my two unruly fighting kids thanks got the suggestions

bigsombrero

Any chance you can do some traveling? I'm not saying you should move to Belize for a month or anything, but what about a drive up north next weekend and get a change of scenery? Bring the camera, take some photos, bring a journal. In my experience, planning a trip (even a little teeny one) gives you something to look forward to, enjoy, and more importantly you start building positive "sober memories" which you can also use to look back on when needed.

ImperfectlyMe

Actually headed to the beach tomorrow for ten days. Great idea I'm going to bring a Camsra and journal and sit on the beach at dusk or dawn bymyself and journal ..thanks!

doggonecarl

Perhaps when you get back you can volunteer somewhere. Helping others can engender a real sense of gratitude, which in turn can make your current discontent easier to deal with.

GerandTwine

Hi IM,

I think you are at an important crossroad that I remember traveling.

After attending recovery group meetings for a long time, I finally came to realize it was very important for me to separate "the no drinking thing" from my "need to figure out the rest" as you so aptly put it. I ended all my recovery group attendance.

In other words, once "I got the no drinking thing down", I realized it was unwise for me to continue going to people struggling with not drinking and expect them to assist me in "figuring out the rest" of how to get on with life. I felt that I would be going backwards, especially if I connected other aspects of my life with whether or not I will pick up a drink again.

I quickly learned there are thousands of ways in our society for me to engage and "figure out the rest". This allowed me to put not only my addiction, but my recovery, as well, permanently into the past. No matter what else I do, I am completely recovered and permanently abstinent within my own competence and it sounds like you are, too.

GT

jkb

IM-
I could have written your exact post. I have a little over 5 months and I know how you are feeling. For me it is kind-of a "what now" type of feeling. I am about to move into a new house and once that is taken care of I have some ideas of things I would like to do: start going to the gym, learn Spanish etc...

However, I have made some changes already. I start my day with a probiotic smoothie (not a hangover...yay), I cook healthy meals (instead of my previous beer/wine dinner) and I started drinking herbal teas in the evening. I journal a lot.

As far as recovery stuff there are only AA meetings in my area so once a month (or less- I think I have been to 3 meetings in 5 months) I will go to this one meeting that I like. It's nice to hang out with that group. It is open discussion and I truly do take what I want and leave the rest.

So, I have no answers for you but, I would like to say something about month 4: It was tough for me. Not in terms of cravings but, in terms of living. My sobriety is contingent on absolutely nothing but, learning to live sober has been another story for me so far. That is what I struggle with.

Jess

ImperfectlyMe

Carl I've been thinking alot about volunteering I know I would love it. And when I woke this morning and saw Dees at his 70000 post I thought damn if that's not volunteer work then I don't know what is. Going to call my local womsns shelter and offer volunteering plus I have bags and bags of children's and woman's clothes to give.

Jkb I totally have that what now feeling! And yes thus month has been the hardest. I do get cravings but they are fleeting and more of annoyance than anything. It's the digging through my buried emotions that's work! Have a great eve all

ImperfectlyMe

Gerand going to get reading in AVRT

FT

Hi ImperfectlyMe, and welcome.

I've been a nondrinker for over 20 years, after about 20 years of drinking before that. And many failed tries at quitting drinking during the drinking years.

Looking back at that first year sober, there were milestones I remember. The first three or four months, I could ride the wave of "soberness" and the exhilarated feeling that "I can do this!"

After that, the feeling of being able to quit after more than 20 years of drinking wore off. Now I was just me and my thoughts (and my husband's thoughts). And my inner thoughts said, why are you doing this to yourself? (Hmmm, "addict voice"? Yep!)

That was a danger point. I now knew I could do it, and this was longer than I'd ever gone on multiple tries before. It was a danger point because I thought, well if I can do it now, I can do it again. So why deprive myself, when I know now I can control it!? Yep, that's what I thought.

I recognized the thought as flawed, though, and I powered on. The other danger points in the first year were being at places I only enjoyed while drinking, holidays, birthdays, you get the picture.

By the end of the first year, I had figured out that, in order not to drink again, I had to self-identify as a nondrinker no matter where I was. And I had to learn to recognize the "inner voice" that kept telling me all the reasons it was okay to drink.

Even year one was a danger point. Every milestone carried with it the threat that, "okay now I'm done." You're never really done.

That was over twenty years ago now, but I still face challenges to my sobriety. All former substance-abusers, if they remain "former" ones, can relate to that. Drinking was always acceptable when I was growing up, with Gary Cooper, Jimmy Stewart, John Wayne, and ALL those guys who "needed a drink" in the movies. There was no such thing as a DUI in those days. My husband and I used to drink in our car in the 60's while we were on our way places. The biggest risk was an "open container," not the fact we had been drinking!

In any event, your situation is so familiar. You just have to "fake it til you make it" as they say. Self-identify as a nondrinker, and eventually you will fee comfortable in that skin. Mean what you say when you tell the waiter, no thanks just water (or coke, or whatever), or tell whoever offers you a drink that you don't drink. Nobody cares but you, believe me.

I used to wonder how I was going to explain myself to people who were used to me drinking. Truly, nobody cares unless it is a threat to their own drinking behavior. If you are telling the whole quitting story every time, or making excuses, stop! No one really cares.

In all the years since I quit drinking, I've never been anyplace where a lot of us weren't drinking alcohol. I never noticed those people when I was drinking because I figured "everybody" was drinking, too. They aren't.

Good luck. And watch out for the milestones!

freshstart57

Well said, FT. Great to see you again!

Coldfusion

ImperfectlyMe, I accidentally clicked your avatar instead of your post, and got an earful of Dave Matthews. It completely changed my head space--sometimes a distraction is all we need. SR is great for that!

lessgravity

Meditation was it for me. A life changer. Truly committed to it - twice a day for 20min every single day no matter what. It's made all the difference in the world for me.

Eddiebuckle

Sobriety is like an iceburg: the "not drinking" part is what you see, but the vast majority of what makes it work is hidden. I find that I need to do something virtually every day to maintain balance. I read, meditate, and try to surround myself with sober people who feed rather than deplete me. If I go more than three or four days without my routine, I get squirrelly, defensive, and moody.

My routine: I start my day with a cup of coffee and whatever inspirational reading I have going at the moment. I reflect on what I have planned, and anything that is causing me anxiety. I try to start my day with gratitude for my sobriety, though admittedly some days that just isn't in the cards. At the end of each day I read for ten or fifteen minutes something that is feeds me spiritually (not religiously) and let go whatever might be causing anxiety or stress. Wash, rinse & repeat. It's worked for 3+ years.

Ananda

I too have tried many "programs" and am now doing it "on my own". Since I've been in and out of sobriety for quite some time, I really got it this time that it isn't the not drinking...it's the other stuff...Right now (maybe not tomarrow) I would say it is the "other stuff" that is what makes the not drinking relatively easy.

As soon as I got home from my brief trip to rehab to dry out I started doing. I started doing the house repairs I'd put off, I started gardening again, I started cooking a gain...and very important for me..I started meditation again.

All that said...it can be dangerous to think it's all about that stuff..cause once my life is "in order" to my satisfaction....in the past I could decide if things were in order I could drink (and that is NOT the case LOL...cause then it all falls apart again). I do go to birthday night each month at my old home group just to be sure I don't forget that important fact as I did once before after 7 years.

Of course the constant rearangging of my life circumstances though hobbies and projects would not be enough by itself...in fact it can become a diversion. I do the meditation and quite a bit of "soul searching" as well.

The big problem...and I think you mentioned it...is finding a "group" activity. I'm more toward the hermit side and enjoy it...but I also feel more connected if I have some group activities. Since I lean more toward the hermit, and I can get easily off course if I get overly involved in group committments, it is hard for me to find a good "fit".

I'm at around 3 months, but since I'm in this for the long hual...I am simply going to live with what is today in that respect and be open to the possiblities. Something will probably come along and if It takes a few years...truth told ... I'm pretty ok with that. Better that then the constant noise of a true believer group

Best of luck in your journey and thank you for posting.

MrGhost

People like us drink heavily to try and find happiness, OR to escape some thing horrible, or to numb pain over all. These things are caused by issues that make us feel low all of the time. Defeating the depression ultimately will rid a person of alcoholism and over all drug abuse. And so AA, depression support groups, therapy, anti- depressants, anti-anxiety drugs, teas, meditation, exercising, eating right, keeping well hydrated, distraction, positive thinking, following your goals and dreams, living for a reason, having purposes, will all help you to exceed in the right direction once you quit alcohol.

AA just doesn't focus on alcohol it focuses too on what made you drink in the first place, and how to deal with coming off of it..and not being alone in the process. I use to avoid all help at one point, which I can't say I regret simply because I am not a man of regrets, but I can say it would've been better had I done that rather than to face the consequences of not seeking helping soon enough, as the bad totally outweighed any benefits from limiting myself to any options I had to getting help for myself. The best thing you can do is, utilize to the core EVERY SINGLE last resource you can, get all the help in the world that you can, I learned not doing so is the only real problem.