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Old 07-24-2013, 02:44 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Marijuana cravings out of nowhere


What's up.

I feel fine today, but last week I experienced some pretty strong cravings for marijuana. I assume it's dangerous and thus I am a bit concerned. I am just over 1 year sober. I do not crave alcohol at all.

A summary of my situation: I have elected to work for myself and earn my own cash, and as you can imagine this is challenging. It's been liberating for the most part, but also can be very stressful. I frequently get in situations where I am forced to live on a very tight budget, as many others here have experienced.

I am attending a family wedding in 1.5 weeks (my first wedding I'll attend as a sober person), and I have been stressing a bit about it. My family wants me to "come early and stay late", not to the wedding itself, but to my hometown. My mother wants to see me, my father will be in town too, they are all very interested in hanging out and enjoying some time with me.

Alas, due to my financial situation I can barely afford a plane ticket home, let alone afford to spend too many days staying at home sleeping in the spare bedroom at my mom's house. I don't think I can really even afford a gift for my cousin (the one getting married), which makes me feel pretty guilty as well. I am not nervous about craving drinks at the wedding - but I am uncomfortable because all my cousins, family, etc know that I'm sober and they all are very eager to congratulate me and kind of "check me over". I know they will ask about my new job, my love life - the typical things families ask.

I am really not comfortable sharing too much with people right now. I am sober. I am paying my bills, barely. But I have always been seen as the "Chosen One" in my family....and this certainly won't be the "Return of the King" I am assuming everyone wants to see. I fear that my lack of personal success will lead them to think that I am still troubled, when in fact I am just happy that I am living each day sober.

ANYWAY - I have been thinking about this a lot, and last weekend...BAM. I wanted to smoke some weed. I was in an unfamiliar city, but it was a college town, and I found myself thinking how easy it would be to just befriend some college kids and ask around. I was imagining how much it would cost, and how I could probably get a good deal. I even imagined that I would go to a college bar and look for dudes with beards and Grateful Dead t-shirts.

It appears the stress of family and the craving for this relaxing drug goes hand in hand. And it is troubling. For the record, my family has been nothing but supportive in my recovery and they are all "in on it", they all know I'm a recovering alcoholic and want me to do well.

Can anyone shed some light on this? Was I craving weed because I wanted to escape the pressure of what might be a stressful time for me? I think I just wanted a night where I could smoke and forget about the wedding and my visit there next week...
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I'm right there with you big... I only started drinking alcoholically after I gave up weed. It really is my DOC. Alcohol caused all sorts of havoc in my life; marijuana's impacts were primarily financial and motivational.

I've had periods of thinking like yours, frequently. My "best" friend is an all-day smoker. I know my old dealer's phone number by heart. It would be very easy to get my hands on some premium green. I've had my finger over the "call" button on my phone a couple of times.

I am really amazed that I haven't caved in and made that call. Something is just different this time around. My sober brain is easily able to overpower the beast for once in my life. I actually feel proud of my almost 8 months free of everything. I don't want to give it up; I don't want to have to make the choice between lying to my A.A. group or admitting a relapse.

And like you, I'm trying to navigate the employment market right now. With my luck, I know that as soon as I smoke I would get that phone call I've been waiting for for months with a job offer contingent on a drug screen.

I can't answer your questions about why you were craving weed, but I chalk my cravings up to this thing we have called addiction. I could smoke again and keep out of trouble (and also out of a job). But my brain would remember how much I loved to get blazed and down a few beers. Eventually I might give in. I don't want to give in; I want freedom.

If I were you, I wouldn't dwell on the craving. Instead, you should celebrate making the decision to stay sober. It's a great success!
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Old 07-24-2013, 03:36 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Thanks man.

Yeah I think that being back here in Chicago (just 3 weeks now) has a bit to do with it as well. Any bad thoughts in the past were easily put in the rear view mirror with a swim in the ocean or a walk into town in Guatemala or Costa Rica.

Everything here in the big city costs MONEY. Go to a cafe in Guatemala it was $1 for a huge coffee and I could spend hours there reading a book and sipping a cafe. Here...it's $5 bucks and I feel rushed. In Central America, nobody had cash and activities were based on walking, climbing, discussing travel. Here, I have already been "friended" on facebook by someone whose sister wants to set me up on a blind date with her. And I certainly don't have money for that. Hell, a date with a new girl in the city would nearly clean out my checking account in one fell swoop.

And all of a sudden, I don't feel like I'm such a success story anymore. At least, not in my own eyes. The mary jane thing probably has something to do with escaping this feeling.

And yeah, I've applied for a couple of jobs already, one of them is with good ol' Uncle Sam and the US Gov't. A bag of weed probably wouldn't go very far in helping me get that job, would it?

Thanks for the input and the kind words.
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Old 07-24-2013, 04:47 PM   #4 (permalink)
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hey big,,im gonna pm u cos i wanna chat ,,,xxx big hugs xx cleo xxx
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Old 07-24-2013, 05:00 PM   #5 (permalink)
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There have been times over the last 6 years I've wanted to smoke again - particularly around 2010...much more recently than my last craving to drink.

I tried hard to convince myself that it's use was legitimate for stress relief, for pain, and creativity...it's not drinking...it's much harder to get and much more expensive and therefore I won't be able to get hooked...

I overplayed my hand with that last reasoning because if I didn't know before I knew then I was totally BSing myself.

In the end, I recognised all that as just the same old escape from reality addiction crap dressed up in a new suit, and I'm glad I did.

I didn't smoke, all those trouble sorted themselves out, and life got better again.
Go figure

D
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Old 07-24-2013, 06:18 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Thanks Dee, glad you chimed in. You are right - last time I bought some, I had the same feelings. It wasn't so bad...until I realized the bag was running out. I remember how frustrated I got knowing I'd be dry...speaks pretty clearly to someone who does not have control over substance abuse. Glad I posted.

I am just really experiencing some grueling hours in the evenings these days. My addictive tendencies have really been barking during those hours, especially since I am alone so often. Of course being poor, it's hard to socialize as much with people.

It might be worth shifting my hours and hitting the cafes around 7pm or so for either a coffee or a smoothie and just stay for a while. Who cares if I stay up later. Being alone in my apartment during these hours, I think that is part of the reason I am thinking about marijuana.
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