As it Happens
 

I have been Exhibit A for Addiction Ambivalence for long time now. It has been painful, embarrassing, frustrating and fraught with (mostly) internal drama. Why didn't I want to be sober more than I wanted to be drunk? Why didn't I care about my health or family or relationships enough to cut out the drinking and get back to living?

I realized it a couple of days ago; I've been waiting for the switch to be thrown. By whom or what? I dunno, but I think I finally see that I have been living my life pretty much forever as if it happens to me, not as if I have much say in the matter aside from reacting to things that happen.

It would be easy for me to digress into the origins and whyfors of this perspective, but that matters not. Where it does lead me is to an understanding that I've been arrested in this place that is shy of/short of being a mature person. It's time to change that. I am not drinking now.

sounds good, Obladi.

YOU're the switch-thrower.

Yep, I got that. :)

I've been so certain things won't work out that I haven't been able to visualize any long term anything. And really, mid-range anything has been hard to see as well (aside from, of course, status quo).

So the next step is learn to plan a future I can believe in.
For now, I am taking some actions over the course of the next five months that will take me in the direction I want to go. I figure once I start getting (back) into the habit of doing, I will be in a better place to start visualizing, perhaps all the way into the coming year.

So starting, today, the actions I am taking are:

* Be a regular mom who does regular mom and head of household things on a regular basis
* Work on becoming more physically fit
* Get a good night's sleep!

Staying off the booze is a necessary first step.
This is easy today, even though I'm not hung over. (Now there's a change.)
But I know myself well enough to know it won't necessarily be easy tomorrow or a week from now or even an hour from now.

I'm hoping that posting this will help to solidify my resolve.
I also think that if I keep coming to SR no matter what and actually posting about "my stuff," it will help keep me accountable.

taking some actions that take you in the direction you want to be travelling in helps in any endeavor. beats just daydreaming about it any day!

and yeah, posting on sobriety forum about my "stuff" has been an immense help; not always concrete, but the engagement itself.

As you explain, Obladi, I too became weiry of being just a by-stander in my own life process....if I was down on myself in my thoughts about drinking, knowing it was not a good thing, but doing it anyway, that's where my energy went.
Now, after a mere couple of weeks, most of the compulsive thinking about the drink
have lifted and I am realizing that my negative thoughts have been programed internally
in general for years and some of it pre-destines me to a bipolar flip-flop. So, for me, it is a need to be constantly vigilant of my relentless thoughts and to use a process of just letting them go and asking that the "return" be noble, creative, and positive.
I wish you well with your plan. Keep posting, as you can !

My switch has been thrown. I die if I continue to drink yet I drink

Why, Harvey ?

Obladi,

I think much of my life was like a non-drink related black out. I kept finding myself somewhere and having no idea how I got there....

If I stay sober, AND pay attention to my life and notice my choices...that baffled feeling fades for the most part.

glad you are posting!

So, yeah.
I actually have been doing a smattering of those things from my good intentions list. It's been some sort of progress, I guess.

My AV got hold of the notion that stopping suddenly could be very dangerous for me (though it's never been an issue in the past) and so I'd best taper off. Recognizing that as the BS as it is, I went with it anyway and ruined the last two Saturdays by staying just about as far away from "taper" as can be. Dried out, stopped drinking for maybe an entire 36 hours, started back. It's ridiculous. I'm ridiculous, giving in to it, knowing that every day I will feel like crap about myself when I know it can be different.

Last night I made due with the six or so shots I had in my possession. Was relieved to wake up past midnight because the last liquor store I know of in the area closes at 11pm. Woke again a couple hours later, calmed myself back to sleep, and just before I woke again had this dream where I decided to take a different road. It was ridiculously narrow with no side rails. Scary enough, but when I found myself out of my car, riding on the narrow steel with sharp edges and it looked like I was about to carom down a rollercoaster bareback, I got out! Woke up shaking my head at the transparency of my dreams.

There's something I need to deal with. I think the best way to do this would be to get sober first, then deal, but not sure I ought to wait for that because it's become a vicious cycle. When I've tried before, it's been a confrontation, me all puffed out like a blowfish, him all... nothing, non-responsive, non-helpful, non-participatory. I think I need to approach this in the same way I need to learn to live the rest of my life. Self-directed and honest, open to whatever each experience or interaction may offer regardless of the "feelings" that may come with it.

Hi Obladi,

Good to hear you're open-minded to quitting. Having pre-conditions on quitting, and creating new conditions while having quit, may seem to give back a kind of control of the situation, but my experience is having no set-in-stone-conditions is the ideal way forward. Quitting for its own sake returns the least struggles and challenges.

Having said that, I hope you have early success in quitting!