Hevyn

Nands you'd create more concern and drama if you disappeared totally, never to be heard from again. So we are glad you're back and giving it another go.

ru12

Nands, don't yet your light dim in this world. You have too much this world needs.

Something that changed my behavior from running from my problems (into booze) was something I read from Pema Chodron. She said that when things hurt lean INTO them. Feel them. It sounds sadistic really, but somehow it made things hurt less when I just sat there and FELT instead of running and hiding. And it hurts to feel it, but it only hurts for a little while and then it passes. When I run it never passes. . . it just keeps following me.

ToddE1

Ananda,

Hope you are doing well. At least as well as can be expected. I'm late on this thread, but wanted to give you a post of support also.

I'm very sorry to hear of your setback and continued struggles. We all have our own path to walk. Some are very winding. Yours as much as anyone's and more than most, it would seem. Hope it settles in some more for you soon. It usually does, but can be a lot of swings in the early days back on.

I enjoy your writing style. You have seem to have a sense of dignity/maturity that I don't believe I will ever be able to come close too. I am miles ahead of where I came from though, so that is good enough for now.

Please let me lend you some of my positive thoughts. I won't give you a pep talk though and tell you everything is going to work out. That only tends to makes a person have to take the other side. You can have that pep talk side for yourself when you are ready for it.

Best to you,
Todd

Ananda

Hi guys,

Thanks for being here! OK...I'm pretty swamped at the moment, but things are going a lot better than I expected. Having taken the shot seems to have made it much easier to not go to the liquer store. I'll take any edge I can for now.

I am doing my meditation again, reading my buddhist stuff, and just seem to be getting back to a place that is doable. I have to remain deligent in following this path...it seems to work well if I don't wander off. I liked what ru12 said. I remember back when I first found out you could sit through the pain and it passed or it just was and I don't know how to explain it. Once I was doing zazen and the tears just flowed through the whole sit. Another time I couldn't stop laughing. And mostly I learned that just because the river of emotion is flowing full speed...I don't have to jump in the middle and drowned...I can sit on the bank and dip my toes in

Aversion to things can mess me up as bad as obsession with things.

OK...I have stuff to do for the IOP online class....its been ok and some of it is interesting...I am glad it is only for 3 weeks as it is taking up a bit too much time...I need more of my readings and meditation and lack the time right now.

I hope you are all doing well. After this 3 week IOP I plan to come here to go beyond this thread

Nands

1stthingsfirst

Nanda,

Late on this thread too... I am glad you are doing better. I love your signature line, your mom is a wise lady.

-first

Hevyn

Great to hear from you Nands. Sounding good!

Harveysmiles

Ananda
Hi, I share so many of your problems and issues.
I am recently sober and in a day rehab based on AA philosophy. It makes no sense to me. I leave each day feeling lonely and destined to fail. I don't know where to go from here. What is there for the true atheist? Something that gives just a little hope?

freshstart57

Harvey, maybe you might consider an evidence-based approach like SMART? This is a congnitive behavior based approach and is useful for many aspects of life. Neuro Linguistic programming, mindfulness, and AVRT can all be very powerful. At the root of each of these approaches is the understanding, the belief, that WE have the ability to make changes. I believe it too.

Ananda

Hi Harvey!

There are lots of ways to get sober/clean and stay sober/clean. SR is a testiment to that! I'm doing my IOP right now which is still based on traditional AA philosophy. AVRT and SMART are good programs for many aithiests and worth checking out. Other people at SR do sobriety without a designated program. To get through the IOP by just being honest about things and make no bones that I'm not doing meetings or "doing" thier specific program. I still get useful concepts and I have to toss out the you will die if you don't do as I stay stuff.

I study Soto Zen Buddhism and it is a huge help in dealing with the issues that are common in alcoholism (and humanism). I believe SR can be a way to ease the feelings of being different, apart and alone. It may take time to find the support that works for you here or in the "Face to Face" world. So patience is required.

It is important for me that I not loose track of the fact that there are also many people following one of the specific programs of recovery or that have a belief in god that are perfectly happy to share and support me on my own path of recovery. Of course, being human, they may sometimes try to convert me to their ideas (and yep, there are times where I try to convert them to my way LOL ).

Hopelessness, for me, is a dangerous place. Sure, it is benificial to see the hoplessness of trying to control alcohol so that I can drink now and then or limit the amount....but to feel hopeless about recovery (which I think is what you were refering to) can kill an alcoholic or addict. If it is impossible to stay sober, what would be the point in trying. But there are many examples of aithiests and agnostics staying sober outside of traditional programs here at SR. You have as good a chance as anyone to be sober! When people at treatment told me I was doomed to die or could not possibly stay sober...I just fogged them out and reminded myself that I wasn't going to go drink over thier opinions and that I was as likely as any other person there to stay sober.

For most people it is a huge plus to have face to face relationships with other people in recovery. If you can find a way to patch some of that together it can be a big help.

Keep us up to date on how you are doing

Ananda

Deeeeee !!!!!!

Is this reall you?

LOL you are so admired by so many that they had to give you a smiley of your own ( : d e e )

:rotfxko

Dee74

It's closer to the real thing than you think Nands

D

Ananda

Just a quick check in

Things are going fairly well. I only have 10 days of IOP left...then I need some time here with recovery friends!

I'm amazed at how quickly some of my practice is coming back to me. My mind still wirls constantly, but I have an equilibrium I haven't expereinced in a long time. Things just don't seem as ... I don't know... worthy of attention as they use to?

I still find it a bit wierd at times that I'm not drinking. Like when I left work yesterday...I felt this rush that I associate with the knowing that in 20 minites I can down a few shots and relax. For now I just don't dwell on it. So far those thoughts have just been fleeting.

Hope you are all well and I look forward to actually reading and responding to my friends here soon.

Nands

Hevyn

Glad to hear it, Nands.

murrill

Ananda,
I've been around SR for just a few years, but I'm not very regular. I remember you, though, for some reason--maybe because we both hang out on the secular sites. I may understand your frustration with some of what you have been told regarding a path to sobriety. I had similar experiences, but I somehow worked it out. I never found "a savior" or anything external to keep me sober. My challenge then, and now, even after many years, is to strip away whatever it is that keeps me separate from what is healthy and whole. I define that as my "crap," whether it is my selfishness or my will or any of a multitude of things that isolate me. Yoga helps, so does meditation. It's good that there are like-minded people on this site, too. It can be done.

Ananda

Another quick check in....

Murril...Hi!
Hevlyn...Thanks

OK, I've only got 4 days of IOP left. That is taking up every spare moment right now (that and getting my Zazen and daily chores done).

Mom is here for the 4th and won't leave till tomarrow morning...about one day too many on this stay

I'm so use to getting a bottle after she leaves, but this time I've just had to sit with the uncomfortableness of our relationship and take time to deal with that. Course I'm not gonna sort that all out in a few days..but I've got a start on it.

I think part of learning to have some comfort in our relationship is for me to learn that I don't have to respond to her when she says something "wrong" or that offends my petty little belief system Also, when she corrects everything I say or laughs at my opinion (or smirks)...I can just let it be...not internalize it. It's really not important that she agree or that I prove I'm right...hey...she can just "be right" everytime...no skin off my back...I mean who really cares if bats fly straight or zig zag :rotfxko

See you guys next Tuesday

Fandy

After mama leaves, light a nicely scented candle and take a bath....rub some calming lavendar lotion on your skin and consider eating a big container of Gelato? Ice Cream? Snickers Ice cream bars? a big breakfast.....

and prove to yourself with wickepedia that you are correct about the bats flying pattern and smirk in peace... :rotfxko

Ananda

well...IOP is done

Now I have all the other stuff to do....

I have more energy than I've had in years, but I did overdo it yesterday in the garden, so now I hurt. I'm sore under my tummy and I've never hurt there before. I think it was how I was lifting.

I took some asprin last night, and I just took some a few minites ago. I think the Vivitrol only blocks narcotics so I think it will work. I had bought some cough syrup (non-alcoholic) this weekend, and then found out that it has an ingredient that I'm suppose to check with the doctor before taking..not a narcotic, not alcohol, so not sure what the deal is. So this may take some getting use to, but that's ok. It is well worth it to me. I know there is value in "one day at a time", but for me it is just such a relief to make the decision not to drink one month at a time. I get the next shot on Friday and I have absolutely no quams about it.

I don't know why I couldn't just make up my mind that drinking isn't an option without this. But this is such a freedom. I don't have to worry or argue with myself over whether or not I can, might, should, shouldn't, wont drink. I think I had that crap going on in my head all the time and now that the debate is over life is just so much easier.

Basically, the drink was controlling me whether I drank or not. It was ruling my life and filling every moment sober or drunk.

Well, enough about me. Hope all of you are well!

Nands

fini

and now that the debate is over life is just so much easier.

Basically, the drink was controlling me whether I drank or not

ananda,
yes, i found the same thing exactly when i could finally quit: once the debate was over, everything was easier. new and weird but....doable. there was headspace available now.
i know a couple of people who use antabuse and have said the exact same thing about the freedom they get by not having any question left, and yeah, we've chatted about I don't know why I couldn't just make up my mind that drinking isn't an option without this as rationally it seems like the result should be the same, regardless of the way the option is taken off the table...but clearly it isn't the same.
good to hear you sound so positive.