Nonsensical

Another Day 1.

I don't know why I have become ambivalent about my sobriety, but I have.

My wife told me this morning I was a mean drunk last night. I'm not ambivalent about that. She deserves better. Sadly, I don't even remember talking to her, so I don't know what I said. I remember waking up on the living room floor around 1:30 a.m. I went to the refrigerator and there were 2 beers left. Then I woke up in a chair around 4 with a lap full of beer and an upended bottle. That's gonna smell good.

I'm at work now. I thought about taking a sick day, but I can suffer through a hangover at my desk today. My throat hurts from snoring all night.

More coffee.

Dee74

I became ambivalent after a relapse many times.

Partly I think I was disgusted in myself - it was almost like I thought in my head I deserved the crappy life I was giving myself as a born again drinker.

Read some of your old posts Nons. Rediscover the real you.
And...fight a little harder

D

RobbyRobot

The constant relapsing for me back when became a horrible proof of my complete disdain for myself. I would drink to wash away caring feelings and end up just feeling like I didn't care about myself or anyone else. Drunk, not caring, I felt honest with myself. Alcoholic insanity at its worst.

At least drunk, I had some peace inside myself for a time, some sense of happiness. I was pretty sure I was gonna die as a useless drunk at 24. I really didn't care enough to care.

I also hated being drunk because I wasn't in control, couldn't function, had no power, no direction home. My hatred for being drunk is what saved me. Dying that way was just so pathetic, so beneath me. My hatred for alcohol and drunkenness helped me quit. Tapping into all that really kept me doing the next right thing to not drink again. Eventually I stayed sober to be sober, but not until weeks later did I start to care about being sober.

So perhaps you too can tap into your ambivalence. Make it work for you. I'm sure you'll get on the right side of not drinking, Paul. I'm sure you'll quit, and quit for good and all. I believe in YOU!

Take it easy.

Fandy

what else is bothering you? I'm sorry that you relapsed again this week...did you think of why Monday is your pattern>>>>>

I'm not trying to sound snarky, but my own pattern was between the 2-5th of each month after I made mortgage, maint. payments, cable, utilities...almost like my reward, that would end in calling out to work and spending the rest of the week feeling craptastic.

Nonsensical

You know, I hadn't really thought about it. Although, I drank Saturday and Sunday also. Saturday was my party. It was a poker and pool party out on my deck. Ever since I bought this house last year I wanted to entertain on the pool deck, and Saturday it finally happened. A few hours in I decided to have some beers. It actually went quite well on Saturday. I just drank regular strength beers all evening. I had maybe 6 or 7. I didn't really count. I just kept a governor on it because I like entertaining more than I like getting drunk. I can't say that about very many things. If I could drink like I did on Saturday I wouldn't really have a problem.

Unfortunately, this just makes me thirsty on Sunday. I gave all the leftover beer from the pary to my son, and he took it back to college with him. I knew I needed to get it out of the house. Around noon I started to get the thirst. I had this great image of relaxing in front of the basketball game downing a few cold ones. I talked to my wife about it, seeing how disappointed she would be if I did. That answer was somewhat. I decided not to, but it kept gnawing at me, and instead of taking control, I let it gnaw away.

I went to pick up some sushi for dinner, and there was some confusion about the order and I had to wait while they made it. At the bar. I did a shot and a beer there and picked up a 6-pack of craft beer and took it home. I gave my wife my keys and endured her disappointed look. Then i found out the basketball game I wanted to watch wasn't on Sunday, it was on Monday. D'Uh. We watched a movie instead. I drank my beers and went to bed.

Monday I was thinking about it most of the day, waffling over whether to drink again or not. That familiar debate with my AV that I allowed to happen again. I knew what was happening, but I didn't really care. Ambivalence.

I picked up my dog's ashes from the pet crematorium on my way home from work. I had her put down on Saturday morning. It made me sad, seeing her box of ashes on the seat, and I picked up a half pint of bourbon and a 6-pack of craft beer. When I got home I also saw a bottle of wine leftover from the party and drank that first. Then the bourbon. Then the beer. I should feel a lot worse today than I do.

This morning my wife e-mailed me a picture of myself passed out on the floor last night, with a reminder that this is not the man I want to be. Not my best pose.

My resolve is coming back slowly this morning. I am struck by the thought that I should strive to be the man that dog thought I was.

doggonecarl

For me to successfully quit, I had to stop wallowing in the alcoholic's pig trough of despair and put down the drink.

You were so stalwart in your recovery before. I hope you back to that point.

jkb

Hi Paul-
I really do hope you decide to "begin again" before something bad happens. I am sorry to hear all of this. Jess

Hevyn

Hi Paul. Been there many times. We have to really know, deep down, that there's nothing at the bottom of that bottle for us. It won't wash away sadness or despair - it won't take us where we want to go - ever. You are going to try again - you will rise above this.

Fandy

I'm so sorry that you had to put your dog down...that might have also let your guard down....my one cat died suddenly in his sleep (i slept with the body all night and didn't know it)...it was on a Wednesday morning that i discovered the dead cat in bed, but Wednesday is my "teaching day" for the med students, I have lectures scheduled and NOTHING changes that...i have a room full of 20 people waiting for me...I put on my game face and muddled through.

but my upset over the loss of dear Wylie Coyote (the maine coon cat who had a heart attack on the down comforter) did not set in until the weekend....which i cried through and drank heavily. I justified that it was fitting to mourn him with booze. Iknow the cat died under the best possible circumstances, did not suffer and was in bed with me and his other cat family..but i still drank heavily.

Last week it was whole foods lunch, this week it was sushi-bar waiting and the party...I'm curious as to why you drank the wine first? You could have given that to your wife to save for herself...you had beer and bourbon (another favorite of mine, damn).

I hope you get a grasp of this and maybe seek some FTF counsel, because i can't help but think that something is niggleling your subconscious...Your posts are usually good positive and solid, you're responsible and accountable. I look forward to reading you daily, but i am also concerned.

aasharon90

Relapses can happen for all sorts
of reasons. Use the tools and knowledge
of alcoholism to ur benefit to strengthen
and guide you along ur path of recovery.

ElegantlyWasted

" Sadly, I don't even remember talking to her, so I don't know what I said."

Wow... That was me for the Last year. We (GF and I) would both drink, argue, go to bed. Wake up in the morning (not remembering too much) hoping that there were a couple beers left in the fridge or my GF didn't finish her bottle of vodka.

I'm increasing a believer in the progressive take on this stuff for a lot of us (myself included). With each cycle the bad stuff gets a little worse. Prior to a year ago, I never had memory issues from drinking.

You're here posting. I think you think you want it and its gotta come from inside you somehow... Maybe try something different, any sort of trigger that set you off that you could eliminate?

PS Awesome on Making it to Work, I know I couldn't have done it.

Jeni26

I can also relate to that feeling of 'sadly I don't remember what I said'.....

Non-me and my husband lived like that FOR YEARS...

Some mornings, I felt such regret and anxiety about that 'something' I knew I had done, there was total sadness in the air and an uncomfortable scrambling in my brain to attempt to put together the fragments of memories. I couldn't even say sorry because I had no idea what I was apologising for.

For us, things were further complicated by the fact that he was an alcoholic too.

We drank away those feelings for many many years.

It was no life...there is a much better way to deal with things. Don't waste precious times, don't throw away those relationships you have around you. It is evident that you love your wife very much...don't take her understanding for granted. You deserve better. And so does she.

Me and my H got sober together after 21 years of drinking together. A lifetime of 'sadly I don't remembers....'. It could so easily have been different.

Best wishes to you x

ShawnM

We know what we lose if we drink. What do we lose keeping sober? We have to keep diligent and aware that sobriety is a far more managable option in the long run, one day at a time if need be.There is no situation good or bad in life that drinking/using can't make worse. Best.
ShawnM
Sober date 12-21-08

soberlicious

That's called a blackout. As you know, that's when alcohol interferes with the normal functioning of the receptors in the brain, keeping the memory of things you do from being transferred to your long term memory.

Basically, it's hours that you have literally lost. Hours that you will never be able to get back. Hours that eventually add up to a huge chunk of a lifetime.

How many more are you going to waste?

I would agree that losing your dog is heartbreaking. Losing mine was one of the worse days of my life. It equalled my divorce. That bad. and so what? That's life, dude.

Parties, sadness, stress...whatever, take it down to the bare bones. These are not triggers, these are excuses. There is never a valid and true reason to drink. Never.

It is a free country, Non (where we live anyway) and I believe in everyone's right to freedom. That includes one's right to drink...even drink themselves to death. That also means that one must accept the consequences that go along with their choice to imbibe. You can drink and eventually lose your family, your friends, your job, your dignity (what's left anyway), or you can not drink and thrive as a person who shines even in cyberspace.

You cannot have it both ways.

Nonsensical

I appreciate all the comments and support.

My motivation to be sober is less this week than in previous weeks. I am not sure why, and it's somewhat troubling. If I drink tonight I will have one heckuva bad time, though. My daughter is PO'd and in a mood to be in my jib, I think. I won't be going there. Not worth it. But the resolve isn't there at the moment. Strange.

bigsombrero

Geez man, I was just browsing the Men's forum and I saw that picture you posted - the one of the Hand Awl, I think? Man you were a happy guy. It was always encouraging to read your posts...gotta say these last ones are pretty depressing.

Fallow

I was wondering about you today.

Glad you are back and posting. I know my resolve to quit was never very high after starting up drinking again. Why would I want to quit when I am just getting back started? I never could understand those who drank one or two times and then got right back into recovery.

Now I am realizing that there is a lot of truth to the saying you can start your day over again at anytime. You can quit drinking for good and all anytime you want at least up until the point that its too late. I think everyone here knows that you are capable.

Its just a matter of when are you going to make the decision for yourself.

ivegotsunshine

Hi nonsensical. I'm sorry to see you are struggling through some stuff right now. I just wanted to let you know how much you e encouraged and helped me in the past few months. I've always enjoyed your posts and advice. I hope this is a quick and temporary thing you are going through and you are back to feeling good very soon. No Lectures. No judgements. Just hope you get back to a happy place. Be well!

Fandy

Perhaps you can remember the upset and embarrassment you cause your wife and daughter as they see you blotto, mean and passed out?
They have a high tolerance for bad behavior, but you are walking on thin water when you drink like that.
Maybe this can be your motivation until you get firm footing again?

Louise82

(Sorry about posting in this forum with this avatar, lol. Don't worry, I'm not going to say anything religious.)

Nonsensical, man, I can totally emphasize with feeling ambivalent towards sobriety. I think I read a thread in Newcomers' that termed it "addiction ambivalence" so I guess it's a thing. When I shared with a recovery friend that I didn't know if I wanted to stay sober, I thought she was shocked at first but then she admitted she felt the same, so I guess it's pretty common, in early recovery at least.

When I started thinking about why I felt so ambivalent, my AV jumped straight in and started telling me, "It's because you don't care what happens to you". I know now that that was my AV talking nonsense. I do care what happens to me and I know you care about what happens to you, Nons. Play the tape through to the end and think about what will happen to you if you don't regain the motivation to be sober.

I know "getting motivated" is easier said than done. It's not something you can just do, otherwise everyone in the world would have high motivation, all the time. I've come to accept that there will be times when I have addiction ambivalence and I know the most important thing to do is to stay away from that first drink, by any means necessary.

I find that simply reading and posting on SR helps me a lot of the time, so well done for posting here on your new day 1. If you just stay away from that first drink and keep using your recovery tools, I find the ambivalence passes in time. You have to get used to being more patient than your AV.