Help this Genie cork the bottle!
 

I have a similar thread in the Alcoholism forum, but, I am seeking secular help and am not interested in AA since I do not agree with step 1 and 2. I have read Rational Recovery and know all about AVRT.

Here I am back on Day 4. Someone sent me a picture of myself and I couldn't believe who that creature was in the picture. Two years ago I was sober, I was fit, and feeling fantastic.

I just got back from my doctor and it's not great news. My BP is high - he's worried. I am getting bloodwork done - wonder what that will reveal. I am 30 pounds overweight.

I start a new job next week. I had to go and buy a few new clothes because nothing in my closet fits me anymore.

I don't know what the hell happened, but, I guess this Genie has to stop going into her bottle.

At this moment, I am unable to make a Big Plan and will be going 1 day at a time and hope to gain strength with each passing day. Right now, my health is a big concern and a huge motivator - being highly competitive I hope to use that to my advantage.

The long road back - I am hoping I make it this time. Going to spend a lot of time here on SR - do some reading, reflecting and healing

I'd welcome any suggestions. Thanks.
Genie

Hi Genie. :)

You sound positive - and ready to do this. I had to be deep down disgusted with myself. I'd known for many years I should quit, but still tried to use willpower to control the amounts I drank. Naturally, I failed every time. When I joined SR I was overwhelmed with the support and hope that was given to me - I was no longer alone & that meant everything. We know you can do this - you never have to go back to that miserable place.

I'll get in before everyone else...

why not, Genie? :dunno:
D

You are absolutely right to be concerned for your health and to use that for motivation. I was actually in a very similar position to you: about 30 lbs overweight, high blood pressure. It all got better!

But it wasn't the health concerns that MADE me quit. I could have taken antihypertensive medications forever, you know? It was the abundant evidence from many other areas of my life that brought me to the decision point.

So, would you be resolving to quit right now if your weight and blood pressure were within normal range?

Good question. I thought I'd made a BP before only to fail. So, right now I have made a Little Plan (LP) to be abstinent for 1 month. And yes the beast loves that.

Hi Deckard: I don't want to go on any more medication. I recently got off of a very nasty antidepressant/anxiety med (that could have contributed to my high BP) - it most certainly contributed to my weight gain. I went cold turkey off that stuff and my-oh-my that was something I never want to repeat.

But to your question - I would never have stopped the first time if I had not have been scared about my high BP. I never connected my anxiety issues with drinking. This time however, I know that both are connected.

Now the trick is to remember it and not talk myself into thinking it will be different this time.

Anyway, here it is early in the morning and I'm waiting for my coffee to finish brewing. The fire is going (because it's still cold here in the am). Got my dogs and cats snuggled up beside me and I am just happy that I am not nursing a hangover and I have big plans for living today. :c032:

Question about AA
 

I am an atheist and I've mentioned above that I don't agree with some of the steps in AA, but, can one go to an AA meeting just to listen or for support without having to make pledges or get a sponsor? Do you have to talk? Would going to a meeting do any good?

Thanks.
Genie

Possibly, it would help to go to an "AA" meetng...I'm just not sure, for me, if "AA" is helpful..kinda' like AVRT better !
'

Hi Genie,
Just my thoughts... Yeah you can go to AA. You can go anywhere you want....lol. For real though, I am a firm believer in RR/AVRT. However, sometimes I will stop by a meeting and listen or share or whatever. I like meetings for the fellowship.

I personally am not an athiest however, I got to a point where I had to take control of my life and admit I am not powerless, I choose to drink. No-one in AA ever threw me out the door for not working steps or having a sponsor. I am quite open about the fact that I am a "meeting poacher" and no one seems to care. Sometimes I will get told "you should do steps or other blah blah blah" but, it is all just "suggested" so usually it is a quick conversation.
Jess

Genie,
welcome,
and good on you to wanting to stop.
what helped me after a gazillion tries was to get involved daily in a recovery forum (i used LifeRing), reading lots, going to face-to-face Lifering meeting once a week.....in other words: engagement, a "daily do", connecting with others.

yes, of course you can go to AA; the only requirement is a desire to stop drinking.
you'll know if you have that :)

you will not have to speak, can just say "i pass" if the chair asks if you want to share. you do not need do anything you don't want to do. that some might come to you and suggest you get a sponsor and do the steps....wouldn't be unexpected, seeing as that is what the program is :)

this can be done in different ways, but it does seem to help to really get involved.

best to you.

Got a face for my AV
 

Yesterday, prior to having my blood pressure taken, I was thinking of stopping by the liquor store and buying some wine for the weekend (despite hating my fat, ponderous appearance). My thinking was - well, just for the weekend, you can quit on Monday...or, just once a week and be sober 6 days a week.

I had done the once a week back about 5 years ago, and was successful for about 4 months.

Once, I got the news about my high BP my thoughts of stopping off for some weekend wine was gone. I drove by the liquor store and didn't even glance over.

Freshstart gave me an idea in one of his posts about making his AV into his ex-girlfriend. Well, I have an old ex-financee I could use to put a face to my AV. He was an abusive ******* and if I had of married him, I'd be a victim of spousal abuse. So, I've now got a face for my AV (despite being extremely handsome (and claiming to love me), it is wicked, mean, evil, jealous, extremely possessive and wants to hurt me).

Genie

Question about blood pressure
 

When I had my BP taken yesterday I had not had any alcohol since Sunday - and prior to that I had been drinking heavily. I just did a little googling about blood pressure and alcohol and realize that BP will increase when one stops drinking. This same thing happened to me 2 years ago, had my BP taken after a week of abstinence .

Once I got into regular exercise and no drinking my BP went to normal.

So, it would seem that if I had been drinking my BP might have been normal yesterday.

What a crazy drug alcohol is - no wonder we get so confused.

At least I know I can get my BP under control again without medication and I won't have to go on a low sodium diet (yuck). My BP might not be so great next week when I see my doctor (I think I also suffer from white-coat syndrome). I think I might see about purchasing my own BP kit.

Thanks for reading - I know I'm rambling around (I just did 25 min. on the treadmill!)

Genie

If I was at the doctor's, I always mentioned my white coat syndrome as the reason for the high BP reading. I didn't want to admit drinking was causing my high blood pressure. They had me monitor my blood pressure at home.

You wouldn't believe the lengths I would go through to ensure I go a reading in the "normal" range so I could convince myself that I could keep drinking.

Though I needed to quit for my health, that's not what got me to stop. And I didn't get my BP checked until a year later. Guess what? No white coat syndrome. My BP was 109/79.

How wonderful for you Carl! I know we play games.

I actually wore a BP monitor for 24 hours and it showed I had a normal pressure (not as low as yours though) 129/79. I then monitored my own BP (they had a cuff at the gym) and was keeping it within normal ranges for the 1st year (after the monitor). However, I did start drinking again. The 2nd year I noticed an increase from time-to-time and I never associated it whether I had stopped drinking for a couple of days.

I totally know that drinking is causing the problem and I am not going to use the white coat syndrome as an excuse to continue drinking. I was just noting that BP does increase for a couple of weeks when one stops drinking.

I don't want to wear that monitor again. I hope in a month my pressure will be down. I also do not want to go on medication.

G

Genie
There are no pledges in AA. Each person works their own individual program. Meetings are for support. Yes I think you would find great hope at meetings.People who understand. No you do not have to talk.:)
__________________________________________________ ___
Before I begin, this is not a debate on AA vs AVRT

Just sharing with Genie about AA


AA does not require you choose God as your higher power, The point of step 1 is to realize that you can't drink safely and I am sure if we all wrote down every dirty little detail of our lives on paper leaving out nothing of things that happened while drinking from our 1st drink till now, all the times we started out non chalantly to have a couple and ended up blitzed in a black out. I think it would be fairly easy to see how alcohol had more power over us then we had over it. That we were powerless - that our lives were unmanageable.We wouldn't be here otherwise.

Step 2 - Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

That can be whatever power you choose. Some people use the AA group. Spirit of The Universe, whatever you want as long as it is a power greater than you. Cuz obviously what we were doing wasn't working. There are plenty of agnostics and atheists in AA and are staying sober.

Insanity - well insanity- people struggle with that but if I look honestly at my drinking career, the black outs, The DUI's, The broken hearts of people I love, the lost jobs, the jails, the institutions etc. There were always consequences to my drinking whether it be outwardly or inwardly( My soul), but I still went back to it thinking this time will be different. To me that does not sound like someone with a sound mind.

That's like someone who puts their hand in a fire gets burned and then does it again and again thinking that fire doesn't burn. That's nuts! And I did it again and again.

AA is a great support system and I would recommend it to everyone trying to get and stay sober. Meetings are great! But recovery is in the steps and it requires effort. And I can't base my decision on AA from going to a few meetings. The Solution is in the first 164 pages of the AA Big Book.

It will never work for anyone if they go in with a closed mind. Some of the greatest gifts in this world are missed because people have a closed mind.

We have the power it comes from within us. We can give it any name we want. I choose to call it me. I can look in the mirror and ask myself why did I drink! I don't like that that I drank too much. While looking at myself I can ask how am I going to stop doing this? I'm no saint never will be! But by looking at myself and holding me accountable my problems and desires to get drunk are disappearing. I think looking into what makes you drink being unhappy, feeling stuck, and not effectively communicating my personal issues and solving your personal problems will be the most helpful.

New Job
 

So, I started my new job yesterday and I've got to say that I think I might LOVE it. It takes a lot of concentration and I am on my feet all day - who has time to even think of drinking!

However...that tricky beast. I got home, had to do a bit of paperwork and timekeeping, and I'm quite tired from work and then was on my way to let the dogs out and out of no where a thought pops into my head ..."wouldn't it be wonderful to have a glass of wine and sit on the deck and just go, ahhhhhh".

And then I think to myself...yeah, and you'll be going ouchhhhh tomorrow morning having to be into work at 8 am, on your feet all day and having to concentrate.

I learned that the person I replaced was fired for drinking on the job.:c029: I don't know how they could have managed.

Have a doctors appointment today. Here's hoping that my BP is down when he checks. I can already feel the anxiety. It's like going for a big test, despite studying, and not remembering anything.

G

I forgot to mention that yesterday was my 27th Wedding Anniversary and I did not stop to pick up champagne. Hubby was fine with that.

The reason (excuse) I started drinking again 2 years ago - on this date, was not because it was my 25th WA, but because I raised a glass with my sister to celebrate the birth of her first grandchild. It was a loooonnnng celebration

Hi Genie,
I went to AA meetings for two years after I got sober, never got past step 1 in the twelve steps. Nobody cared. It was a great place to just listen and be with folks who understand, and to give structure to my life.


*I meant nobody cared that I didn't work the steps. :) They were supportive of me just being there.