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Anger and abandonment, Ambulance, 8 stitches later

Old 04-11-2013, 11:10 AM
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Anger and abandonment, Ambulance, 8 stitches later

Today I was thinking after I broke down last night and drank a pint of gin: I have a lot of issues with anger, and also abandonment, feeling like a second class citizen, and feeling hurt. It was hard, being gay, growing up when I did, and it still is, despite incremental progress.

I think, though, that what happens is that people tell me I shouldn't' be angry, like I have no right to my own feelings, so I should just bottle them up. But that doesn't work.

And this seems to be the tip of the iceberg...

~

About three weeks ago, I got vrey drunk and took sedatives, and fell and gashed my forehead really bad. I had to have my mate call an ambulance. I'd never been in one before. Oddly, it was the one year anniversary of my 21 year old cousin killing himself on his birthday; the next day, I would discover an aunt on the other side of my family had ended her life. The coincidence hit me as odd.

But back to the ambulance:

Most of my life, I never had health insurance, and could not afford medical care. I just went without, feeling a lot of anger in being a second class citizen, feeling like nobody really cared if you lived or died, got sick or not. I spent 20 some years like that: no insurance. So it was like all of the sudden the great machinery of 'care (incorporated)' opened it's arms and took me in, battered and bleeding, and I recall almost laughing, I was in a bit of a manic state, but I was happy, it was worth the scar, and inwardly, knowing I had insurance, knowing they would do whatever it took when I got there, I felt, for once, like I had accomplished something, despite being 45 with no home, a worthless car, no savings and horrible credit. I felt like somebody, I had finally arrived and it was a small, good thing.
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Old 04-11-2013, 11:15 AM
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I hope your grape is on the mend. You've gotta lay off the hooch, though. That stuff is bad for you.
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Old 04-11-2013, 11:23 AM
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Thanks, yeah, my head is a lot better. Still hurts some. I try and lay off, but I just can't seem to work up the gumption to lay off it for long. My motivation is badly flagging.
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Old 04-11-2013, 11:24 AM
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It can be very difficult not to have health insurance while needing health care.

I'm glad you now have insurance but please don't use that as a safety net for drinking and using.

Hope you're head is on the mend.
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Old 04-11-2013, 11:30 AM
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Thanks. Nope, I don't use it as a safety net, though it was such a peculiar feeling, knowing, for once, and despite it being in essence my own fault, that people would help me, whereas I had been turned away from treatments for so many other things in life, in which no drinking was involved. There was a certain irony.

But I may have gotten away from the issues of anger: I feel like I drink because I have a hard time communicating them to others, and feeling understood...like somehow, I have the 'right' to feel some things, but not others. So I bottle them up, and then, as opposed to explode outwardly, kill myself slowly, turn it inward. I suppose I feel like it's hard to have discussions about feelings, in general, in recovery, and I'm not sure why, but it seems to make people uneasy.
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Old 04-11-2013, 11:39 AM
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Yeah, I really get how sometimes we feel so damn invisible.

I just posted on another thread about how sometimes when I post IIIII don't even quite know what I just "said". I don't take it too seriously because I've found, generally speaking, someone will come along and decipher it for me and then others speak to it.

That's a great feeling, yah know?
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Old 04-11-2013, 03:54 PM
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Yeah, it is hard. Maybe I should start some kind of anger thread...maybe people will be willing to discuss their anger, and how they sublimate it, channel or direct it; the social and environmental factors that cause it, and so forth. I'd find that very helpful, I think.
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:13 PM
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Have you looked into anger management therapy? From what I understand it generally involves a group of individuals (how many I don't know).

Also, does your insurance pay for seeing a therapist for counseling?
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:28 PM
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I've seen a lot of therapists, I'm looking for a new one now, as the last one moved away, and yes, I have talked a lot about anger. The thing is, I don't really act angry. It isn't something I act out on; I'm never violent. People see me as mellow, kind, easy-going, understanding and gentle. But inside, it is like I am boiling with rage. I've been diagnosed with agitated depression.

My insurance pays some.
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:30 PM
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Husky, ...................good to see you again

I'd need to be on an "anger thread" if I ponder the ethics of turning folks away from healthcare. " Machinery", indeed

Great irony for me too ! At 53, I finally had "health insurance" for the first time in my life, but starting to realize (3 years later) the night shift is creating havoc on my health.

I've decided to use up the rest of 2013 vacation, and find out about cutting back to 3 shifts.

Some folks around me warn of losing my health insurance, .......lol

I know what you mean about feeling like a second class citizen. If we live long enough , maybe it'll change.

probably not , eh ?

Years ago, I had a long concussion inducing bike crash. When the EMT's revived me with oxygen, my buddy (who recounted what I'd been doing the last 4 hours, as I had no memory), said they were pretty adamant about taking me to the hospital ; ....but they left after a while of me threatening them, if they touched me.

Jeeze , even in a concussed, and bloody state, it was (somewhere) in my head not to sign up for a 1300. ride.
....with no insurance , and all.

Hope you'll be able to stick around SR in the coming months. This place seemed like a warm blanket those first 60 days.

Ambivalence sucks.

take care
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Old 04-11-2013, 04:48 PM
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Just wanted to say I'm glad you're still here, Pup. Too tired for much else.
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Old 04-11-2013, 06:52 PM
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Husky!! Great to see you again!

Originally Posted by HuskyPup
I think, though, that what happens is that people tell me I shouldn't' be angry, like I have no right to my own feelings, so I should just bottle them up. But that doesn't work.
I am currently holding on to some anger surrounding my ex husband. Should I be angry? Well, my anger is valid, yes, but the situation I am angry about is not one that I can change. So again, should I be angry? No, because the anger is hurting me. I need to let the past go for one reason and one reason only...to decrease my suffering. Progress has been slow in this particular situation, but I keep plugging at it.

So, yes, you have a right to be angry about things that have happened to you, but the truth is...holding on to it only hurts you.
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Old 04-11-2013, 06:56 PM
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Absolutely nothing wrong with anger, what I do with it matters.
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Old 04-12-2013, 11:20 AM
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Thanks, everyone, for all of the time you took to write such thoughtful replies. I'll have to put my thoughts in more coherent form, now that my mind is more clear! I do have some positive outlets, such as writing (poetry and fiction), role-playing (as in free form back and forth postings on forums, in which you create a character, a story-line, and it becomes a kind of collaborative fiction), and sometimes, I get a bit of exercise.

I'll have to list and examine the most common sources of my anger, and analyze them, as I think that would be helpful, just to get that all down.

Thanks for listening,

H. Pup
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Old 04-12-2013, 02:18 PM
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HPup,

yeah, anger here, too.
and your questions, same as mine.

after i quit drinking, more and more anger came out, so to speak. no idea what to do with it, nothing to shove it away with anymore

later, i came to see that much of it covers up hurt, which i find tougher to admit to.
hm...still not sure what "to do about it".
seems that really looking at what i need and sitting with that, and trying for assertiveness with that, has helped.

totally agree that a lot is from crappy outside conditions. common so-called "minority" experience. sometimes, joining groups to help fight against or better those conditions can work wonders.
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Old 04-13-2013, 09:49 PM
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Something I gleaned from a Byron Katie book a few years ago:

I find that my anger dissipates when I avoid the word "should." For example, society should be different, people should treat me better, etc. At its core, its just arguing with reality. When I argue with reality, I lose every time. Obviously, things should be just as they are. Because they are.

Your anger might be justified, but it's about as useful as your head was for trying to break the floor. You can't just snap your fingers and make it go away, but you can indulge it and make it worse, or just let it go away on its own.

I think expressing, as opposed to venting, anger is very helpful, especially when written down. Sometimes the fallacies are obvious when it's down on paper.
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