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Is this a relapse? help

Old 03-28-2013, 04:26 PM
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Is this a relapse? help

Hi, I hope its ok that I post this multiple places. Newcomers suggested family forum but that forum says for 12 step, and my husband didnt use 12 step when he quit that I know of, so I dont know where to post. This one says for family too.

This is my first post, I am hoping for some advice. My husband appears to be on a binge of cocaine and alcohol, and I dont know what to do. He had a problem with drugs before we met, but he stopped using over three years ago. There havent been any problems since we have been together and I am very confused, lost now. Ive never seen him act like this and it is scary.

A whole bunch of bad, difficult stuff has happened in the last few months. Unexpected things. He came home one night last week after work and told me that he screwed up. He had a business dealing through work with an old friend and he brought some coke in, and he used some. He has become terrified because he has an agreement with his business partner about no more drugs, and has something written about being forced to take drug test and facing actions against him. We talked that night, and he seemed to be calmer, but then the next night he came home late and he was high and drinking.

Now for days he has been drinking and doing coke. Im not sure how he manages but he is still going to work and hasnt any trouble yet that I know of. But he comes home having already used, and he does more and more. I saw him inhaling it. Its in powder form. And then he drinks and finally falls asleep. the next moring he will take more coke and go to work.

He is very short with me, tells me to leave him alone. He might as well enjoy getting high if he is going down for it. he has said some awful things, and then he will later cry, tell me how sorry he is, he doesnt know what he is doing, he is scared.

He does have a therapist, but he never goes to see him anymore. I dont know if I should call him, call his friend, his parents, a doctor. I dont know what to do.

Is this what a relapse looks like? Will he stop on his own? If you have any advice I would appreciate it. he is not home from work yet. I cant even talk to him when he is high or drunk. He has never been like this before.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Marshmallow View Post
Is this what a relapse looks like? Will he stop on his own? If you have any advice I would appreciate it. he is not home from work yet. I cant even talk to him when he is high or drunk. He has never been like this before.


Sure it's a relapse, as to whether or not he'll stop on his own is something that's impossible for anyone to predict. People in the throes of addiction don't make the most rational choices. He may be able to hide it for a while at work but that's unlikely to last if his use increases.

I would try to have someone he respects talk to him, from what you describe he could be putting his job in jepordy.
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Old 03-28-2013, 05:26 PM
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Thank you.

I dont know who to call. His best friend is his business partner, and I cant believe he cant see a change in him at work. Maybe he has, and I just dont know it. But Im afraid to cause trouble there by initiating that convo. There are a couple other friends I might could call if he gets out of control. He isnt going out once he gets home, just stays here and uses till he falls asleep drinking.

His dad might could reach him but his parents live a couple hours away. I think if I called they would come this weekend. But I dont know how he would react. His dad is always very calm but gets his point across. I should have tried to call his therapist doctor, its too late today, and tomorrow is Friday. I must sound stupid, but I thought he would get a hold of himself and stop. I almost took the drugs that were here and threw them out, but I know he will only go buy more and he might get angry. I dont know if that is right choice. I was thinking it might give me a chance to talk to him without using.

I cant understand what he must be feeling in order to do this to himself. It makes me so sad to see him like that.
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Old 03-28-2013, 07:46 PM
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As an addict, and in my own opinion only, you do NOT have to walk on eggshells and be the Victim...which you are right now. The founder of AVRT and Rational Recovery clearly states the family has the RIGHT to insist on abstinence, or removal until abstinence is the choice of the user.

I can sense there is Fear crouching inside you. It will take strong resolve, but with fear and uncertainty now up close and personal, you have been victimized by the drug behavior already. Drug use and addiction take on a life of their own, overpowering the user. You cannot afford to let it continue to worsen, of which there is NO other alternative except complete eradication of the drug dependent behavior.

Tough decisions save lives and relationships.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:16 AM
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I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this, sadly yes this is a relapse and it's severe by the sounds of it. Your husband is entering the self destructive spiral which is dangerous for any addict. To one degree or another any addict is self destructive but there are levels of it and your husband is showing the worrying signs of an aggressive relapse. If this continues he will likely lose his job and that will only make things worse for him and of course you.

The reason he cries afterwards is because he's genuinely ashamed of his behaviour towards you and he's ashamed he's using again, at least that is how I view it. When he tells you that he doesn't know what he's doing, well that's a worry because maybe it's a sign of a mental collapse. I would get on the phone to his therapist and inform them of what is going on.

You should absolutely not have to be scared of someone you love, if it has gotten to that level you need to tell him. I know that's really hard but maybe it will help to snap him out of it. He has no right to make you a victim of his problem and you should not feel guilty kicking him into touch. Tell him that he must see his therapist because this can't continue anymore.

Sometimes tough love is the only option. Please keep us updated of your situation.
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Old 03-29-2013, 09:47 AM
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Thank you. I was reading around this site for hours last night, and cried something terrible. But things you have said are making me realize something has to intervene and shake him in some way. And your right this week i have been walking on eggshells while I hoped he would snap out of it. Its been a week today. I have already called his therapist office and I had to leave a message but the girl at the desk said he was good about returning phone calls and i told her a little of the situation. Im sure the poor guy will have to look into his files because I know my husband has not been there in six or seven months. Ive been reading about how a relapse can start in the head long before a person takes action. I also decided to call his parents last night. I was torn about doing this, but they know about the past problems with drugs and I dont know how to handle this. I felt bad because it is Easter weekend and they were going to spend it with their daughter who lives closer to them. I begged them not to tell anyone else what was going on because he would feel so bad. His mom sounded upset and they later called me back and said she would stay home and go to their daughters, and he will come here later today.

My husband didnt come home until about 10 when he should have been home by 6. No call nothing. He drove after drinking which scares me to death. I didnt know if he would even understand what I was saying, but I told him that he was out of control, and that he had to stop. I told him I was calling his doctor and he needed to go see him, I told him I called his parents and his dad would be here late today and unless he wanted him to see him destroyed like this, then he needed to get his sh*t together now. I told him that I loved him and I knew he was hurting but all these drugs and alcohol were not helping anything. I asked if he already had trouble with his business partner and he said no because he went out of town last Wednesday for the holiday with his family. That is a big relief.

He screamed and yelled and had a drunken tantrum (no violence) about my calling his parents and his dad coming. He knows what he is doing is no longer protected. he did smash (or maybe dropped) a bottle of something in the kitchen later in the night. he continued to drink, and fell asleep on the couch. In the middle of the night he decided to come to bed. he is still sleeping.

The alcohol I dont understand. He always told me his past issue was with cocaine. He had been a very limited drinker since I have known him. Maybe a glass of wine here or there, no beer in the house, but I have seen him drink when we have been in social gatherings. But he has neve got drunk or seem affected at all. And now he is guzzling it down like water. I dont know if it is the cocaine, or an overall collapse like was mentioned.

I also think something more must have went on at work to make him this upset. Is it possible seeing an old friend and being exposed to cocaine, using it once in his office could trigger all this? I am so tired.

Thank you for the replies and the suggestions. It has helped me see things more clearly. Im so scared for when his dad gets here. I dont know what he is going to do when he wakes up. He is either going to start using again, or be very sick from all the drinking.
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Old 03-29-2013, 10:08 AM
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Marshmallow, this video explains what goes on in the brain with addiction, : Pleasure Unwoven Full Movie Documentary by Kevin McCauley - YouTube

This will give you both a better idea what you're up against. It's normal tho that he will fight the idea of giving up that which parts of his brain have come to depend on to feel some sense of release and relief.
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Old 03-29-2013, 10:16 AM
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There are no words.

Take care of yourself and please keep us informed.
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:18 AM
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As you can see, there are people here that will give you encouragement and call it like we see it. You have the final determination of what your decisions will be, and your decisions will be respected.

I hope your husband comes out of this with a resolve to get FREE from the addiction. We will help if he is open to communication.

Be strong, take courage, and walk upright...for you and your husband. No one promised Life would be easy. None of us signed up for this...but we are called to live this life out, as long as we are here. God Bless.
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Old 03-29-2013, 11:19 AM
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I'm sorry you are going through this but I'm glad you found SR to help you understand and give you encouragement, experience and support.

Keep us informed, please.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:18 PM
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I appreciate all the honest replies. Until I came here, and then called his parents, I hadnt told anyone what was going on. I looked at the video and wanted to thank you for sharing it. What it explains makes sense to me. In a way it is comforting as it explains this compulsion to continue this over and over. But it is also very scary. His therapist, who is I guess really a Psychologist called me back. He was very nice. Said he couldnt say a lot about my husband situation beause even though we are married there are medical priveldges unless he authorizes for us to talk. He asked me if I felt like I was in danger, or if I thought he was a danger to himself. He ment suicidal and no I dont think he is that. He asked me a lot of questions. He said he would try to talk to him if he was willing. But by this time he woke up, looked horrible, I reminded him his dad be here today. He started getting sick and was in and out of the bathroom with his head pointed at the toilet. The doctor agreed wasnt the best time. Of course its Friday, holiday weekend. He wont be back until next week, but gave me his private number adn said if he is willing to talk, then have him call anytime. Also gave me an emergency contact of another doctor that can see him in person, said he would explain the situation to this person.Im glad I called him. He seemed concerned. he did tell me that my husband once he stops long enough to clear his head a little knows inside what he needs to do to pull himself out of this. When he is ready he needs to come in to talk, and assured me that he can get through this.

Husband once he stopped puking, started inhaling the coke again. I saw him doing it. I asked him why, and he said because his explicative dad was coming and he needed it. He cursed me out some more, started cleaning up all the empty bottles and took them out of the house. I guess so his dad wont see how much he has been drinking. I copied down the phone numbers of the therapist and gave them to him. He just said no, he wasnt going to call. Im trying to stay out of his way now because he keeps telling me to leave him alone again.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:48 PM
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I know it's hard but it really is best if you just go on about your day and leave him to his own devices. Do something nice for yourself, a walk in the fresh air, a mani/pedi, maybe dinner with a friend.

I also strongly suggest you continue to post here and/or the friends and family part of SR.
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Old 03-29-2013, 03:54 PM
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If he is using, it's probably best to just leave him alone. Do not try to become what researchers call 'interfering stimuli'. The addict is in charge when he is using, and the addict doesn't take kindly to anyone or anything trying to interfere with using the drug.

Have you considered going someplace until this bender runs out of steam?
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Old 03-30-2013, 05:40 AM
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Guard your mind and your spirit, Marshmallow. Step back and observe the events unfold. Help as you can but unfortunately many times the addictive cycle must play out, and there is little we can do.

Pray.. it often helps bring perspective and a sense of peace while the storm is raging.
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Old 03-30-2013, 09:01 AM
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My father in law seems to be in line with you guys. Last night he made me leave. My husband went into this whole thing about how I had overreacted. Like he made one mistake and had been drinking a little and that was all. My FIL knew he wasnt telling the truth especially since I had sent him a couple phone pictures earlier taken when my husband was passed out on the couch, that and of his drugs laying out. He told me last night that he thought it was best if I left and let him talk to him alone. I didnt have anywhere to go because I havent told anyone else what is going on. Had to go to a hotel. I have no idea what is going on now, but he said he would call me, and to rest. I know he meant well but not possible. I slept maybe 4 hours because i took several benadryl. FIL wouldnt even let me tell him I was leaving or anything last night. He said he needed me to go because it woudl help him realize he was hurting me, and that if he doesnt stop he may lose me. I feel like crap today, and if he feels worse then I pity him. Sorry to keep pestering you guys with updates. I am grateful for the time youve taken to reply to me. Its hard to believe all this just happened so suddenly, and how much he changed like this. I know its all the things he is taking, but hard seeing him like this.

thank you all again.
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Old 03-30-2013, 01:16 PM
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You are not pestering us! We can't help, encourage, support or suggest based on our experience if we don't know what's going on.

I think calling your father in law and his suggestions are good ideas. You need to take care of you.
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Old 03-30-2013, 01:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Received View Post
You are not pestering us! We can't help, encourage, support or suggest based on our experience if we don't know what's going on.

I think calling your father in law and his suggestions are good ideas. You need to take care of you.
+1

This board exists to be a source of shared information and an outlet. Use it for both.
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Old 03-30-2013, 02:04 PM
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Thanks for the update Marshmallow.

When this current crisis unfolds...Life will continue on...for good or bad, for better or worse...and we are all called to do the best we can. It helps to have people that have been through similar situations, that care to be there in whatever way is possible. That is the great thing about the Sober Recovery Community...it is always here, with people that care to offer support.

Your current crisis actually helps me to reaffirm my commitment to remain free from the insanity of using addictive substances, and the ensuing mayhem it always causes.
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Old 04-01-2013, 08:33 AM
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Old 04-01-2013, 09:01 AM
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Hello Everyone,

Once again I will say thank you to everyone for commenting here. I was just trying a minute ago to create a new thread, about the video that was shared with me. But somehow I messed that up. Will try again once I post an update here.

I could use some more thoughts please. On Saturday while I was staying at the hotel, my father in law called. He said my husband had a rough night but he had stopped his drinking binge. He also advised me to look into our bank records and see if any money had been taken out. Sure enough my husband had withdrawn over a thousand dollars the week before. There would have been no reason for this that I know of. He told me I needed to take almost all the money out of our joint account and put it into my individual account for now. Said I needed to change all the PIN numbers, online access passwords. I am TORN over this. I did transfer some money out, but havent done everything else yet. He says it is a precaution, in case my husband continues to use. I think he is meaning the cocaine more than the alcohol because of what it costs. I understand what he is saying, but Im having a hard time in what feels like betraying my husband and doing this feels like I have lost faith in him, trust.

My husband did finally call me. He was back to being sad, feeling alone, hurt that I had left, apologizing. I just wanted to go home. But my father in law was telling me no, its better if I stay away and let him feel sad. Then after watching the Video about addiction. It makes me feel like a witch for not being there for him. Finally we agreed that if he stayed sober and clean then I would come home Sunday, we would go out to eat if he was able. We did all that. He seemed a lot better but he is not saying a lot except he is sorry all this happened. I have no idea if he is still using the drugs. Today he is supposed to call and get himself an appointment with his psychologist doctor. His dad wanted me to stay away until he actually did this and went to one or two appointments. But i stayed last night, and today he is avoiding making the call. "he is fine, he has it under control, he needs to go to the office (even though its closed for easter Monday). He says he needs to check on some things (cover his a**) before his business partner gets back this week.

My father in law is now telling me "I told you so", that I should have stayed away until he saw this through. Like its my fault. I feel like a puppet. I know he understands much more about this stuff, but Im confused here.
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