Received

I really think you should listen to your father in law. Please do not use the video to validate your husband's addiction and therefore his manipulation.

We, the addict, are expert manipulators, liars, deceivers, thieves and have learned the art of gas lighting others. Your father in law clearly sees what is going on and has offered you excellent advice, based on experience.

I don't believe you have any idea what you are up against. You must protect yourself. You asked your father in law to help; let him.

Nonsensical

I agree 100% with Received.

You have 2 husbands. You aren't sure you know which one you are dealing with now. Get away until you are sure.

Addicts need tough love. You're a softie who likes to nurture. An addict will abuse the living Hell out of a nurturer. If you can't be tough, get out of your father-in-law's way so he can be.

Sunds

MM,
I am sorry for your plight....I have no advice or comments but now I was just visualizing what my own ex-wife would have gone through when I was active....It is sad...But honestly speaking as a user I had some strong resentments piled up against my ex-wife too which prevented me from opening up to her....Plus I was filled with guilt because I knew what I was doing was wrong....You may make us a villain but believe me we suffer more than you can even remotely visualize....No, I am no approving your husbands behaviour but I am just asking you to just introspect....Do you sense there is some strong barrier between you both that he is not able to communicate??? I wish and hope that I am wrong but it is a possibility you need to consider...You need to be strong at the moment and strength is also owning up your own mistakes, if any.
May GOD take care of you both.
-Sunder

Marshmallow

What I meant about the video was, it helps me to understand how the drinking and drugs are altering his decisions, and his behavior. The part about how the desire to use begins at a subconcious level within a part of the brain and memory, often triggered by stress.

Its just hard to blindly trust what my father in law is telling me to do. I know that he is being logical, and he is probably right. Its just difficult.

My husband went to work, said he would be back in a couple of hours, and its been like 5 now. Had a long talk with FIL, and he is going to stay until next weekend. I agreed to go back to his original plan, and I packed a bag and will leave for the week, but it is breaking my heart. I have to work the rest of the week, so I had to pack enough to see me through without coming home. Changed the pin numbers, access codes to the bank stuff. He still has access to money in his own individual account, but it doesnt have much there right now. I called the credit cared company, and asked if they could suspend our joint card, didnt know they could do this, but yes they can temporarily.

Something I left out earlier. My husband and i were able to talk some now that his head is more clear. He admitted that he told me a half truth last week. He did get started again he says from an old friend came by work, and he brought the drug, because they used to get high together years ago. BUT it happened over two weeks prior to when he told me. And his business partner knew he was using before he left for his vacation. They did have an argument last week and I dont know where that all stands because he is on vacation still. I have toruble understanding why he would leave when he knew this was going on, but I dont think my husband added the drinking until after their argument.

Im going to try to be strong, and believe this is what is best for us both.

Marshmallow

Thanks for your comments. I dont feel at all like my husband is a bad guy. I think he is sick, and he needs to get some help, take some action to stop this relapse. I have never witnessed one before. It is scary to see it happen to someone you love.

When he was constantly drinking and high this past week I could not talk to him. He was either telling me to leave him alone, yelling at me, or I couldnt make sense of what he was saying. But we did have a good talk on Sunday when we were together. I know he is in pain. He is feeling very bad. It breaks my heart. We have had a good marriage, and are great friends. It makes it hurt even more to not be able to help him now. I let him spin for a week thinking he would snap out of it. His dad at least has got him to stop drinking, and he is thinking more clearly. I have to remember what his psychologist doctor told me last week. my husband knows what to do, and how to stop this. if he tries then he can get momentum going.

Marshmallow

Hi Everyone.

I have a bit of good news to share. It looks like my husbands drinking binge has ended. Im still not certain about the cocaine. But, he is on his way again to getting some help with the whole problem. Divine Intervention. His business partner is back from vacation. Apparently he knew what was going down before he left, but he had his vacation planned with his family and was going to let my husband try to figure this out on his own. MY FIL and this man also know each other back many years. It looks like they both have my husbands best interest at heart. According to some written agreement reagarding work, my husband is now going to be off work for minimum of one month unpaid. He is going to have to either keep 12 appointments with his psychologist, or sign up for some other type of treatment like an inpatient or rehab. After he does this, then he will be required to take random drug test for the next three months through a local clinic.

My husband called me and left me this message. He actually sounded relieved. He said he has called his doctor and made an appointment for tomorrow. He will talk to him and follow whatever protocpol he advises. He does not want to leave and go to rehab, he really would like just to begin counseling again. He is bummed about work, and doesnt know what he is going to do for a month without work. He doesnt sound angry with me, but has stated a couple times he knows his dad is behind my leaving this week, and my not talking to him.
He is right abotu that. I want to talk to him so much ! His dad is still telling me no, wait until he goes to counseling, and commits to something. He tells me to be patient.

Also, I was reading on the family of alcoholics forum, and I met a lovely perso whose husband has been going through a relapse for alcohol. She was mentioning the Smart program, and I checked that out. They have some stuff for family members also. I missed their online meeting last night. Ok I was half hour late and then chickend out. But after talking with her Im going to try it next week and do some reading with their material. Im excited about this, maybe it will help me cope better this next month or so.

Thank you to everyone here who has been helping me. It means so much to me. You are all Great People !!

Nonsensical

Thanks for the update. Sounds like your husband is getting serious about getting the drugs and alcohol out of your lives. Good news indeed if true.

DO follow up with some support for yourself. You deserve it.

shockozulu

I was just going to recommend SMART. I used it in treating my addiction as well as dealing with the addicts in my life. The ABC tool was especially useful. Find out what irritates you and realize you can't do anything about their actions. You can control yours.

In my case I had to break off a very close friendship with my sister after over 30 years. She was coming home high off something or other and became emotionally, physically and mentally abusive. It still pains me to be out of contact with her but I don't have a choice-not if I want to stay sane.

Marshmallow

Thank you for sharing this. I have decided to order the GYLOS book, and the family workbook from Smart. I did read some things about the ABC's and I tried to do it with something I had in mind, and got all confused. But I understood the example. It was sort of funny. I will save that for later I think. It is nice to know there is someone else here to talk with about it. The person I met on the alcohol forum Ive been talking to, just got her books. We are going to be smart once we read them. That was a pitiful attempt at a joke.

nycguy83

Aw I'm sorry, that's a heartbreaking situation.

I sincerely hope he stays clean and sober, but you might want to consider what you will do to take care of yourself (and any children?) if he continues to struggle.

It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it's just the chemicals hijacking his brain. I'm sure he is in terrible pain about it, and sometimes it becomes a vicious cycle, drinking/using more to cope with the pain of having relapsed, insane as this sounds.

In any case, if it were my partner, I wouldn't abandon her or run away, but I would certainly set boundaries and try not to enable. Taking control of the finances if you can is probably wise.

Personally I wouldn't attend al-anon myself bec the 12 steps and I don't agree, but that does help some people. If you can afford it or have insurance, a few sessions with a professional therapist or counselor could help you formulate some plans and boundaries.

Good luck and best wishes.

Marshmallow

I wanted to UPDATE - things are better. My husband is working with his psychologist regularly now. He has a new attitude again, like before the relapse. He has taken it very seriously, sometimes he seems to want me to overlook it all which is Impossible. But we are talking about it.

I have been using SMART and doing their meetings, reading their suggested books for family, have been included in two sessions with his doctor now, and Im understanding more about relapse, and how he needs to work at this long term. A lot to take in, but Im doing ok.

And almost forgot, my husband has been looking both at the SMART site and Rational Recovery. he says the addictive voice makes sense to him, and works with his own therapy.

Thank you all for your encouragement, and kind words. This was my first stop when I came here to this website, and you all were wonderful to me. I will keep you updated as we go along. GIANT HUGS TO ALL.

shockozulu

Thank you so much and I'm glad he found tools to help him. I think its important that addicts are exposed to different programs. For example I credit both NA and SMART with my clean time.

Nonsensical

Thanks for the update. So glad you're getting your husband and life back.

Marshmallow

Thank you all. I will continue to update, hopefully before long there will be one where I can say he was able to go back to work !