Enough is enough. Today is day 1 ~Newbie here
 

Hi all,

I have been reading the forums for a while now. I am just coming off of a 4 day bender. I am tired of this, tired of living like this. I want to WANT to be done. Truth be told, I don't want to be done but I NEED to be done. I've have been to a few AA meetings - they are not for me. I have read all about RR and Smart Recovery. I am just starting the RR book today.

Any words of advice? I am a shaky mess, dark circles under my eyes. Puffy face and I look and feel like crap. I am a 42 year old single mom of two. Drinking has effected my work. I have missed work, missed appts ect due to being hungover or afraid that they would smell liquor (vodka) on me. I have an awesome job, awesome family, beautiful home. I am highly successful in my field of work. I just want to WANT to be done. I also smoke ~ a disgusting habit that I am not proud of. I'm going to try to give that up as well today too. I thank you for reading this and welcome any advice that you have.

hello MagRich,

no advice. but i do know the spot you're in, the one of wanting to want to quit. needing to but not wanting to.
tough place, that.
i've seen others who started from there, with an "i'll just see how this non-drinking thing goes; not sure i really want to be doing this" and for some, the wanting it grew with the doing.
daily participation and involvement in a place such as this was of huge help to me.
i'm assuming you've checked for available secular meetings in your area, such as SMART or LifeRing?

in any case, congratulations on coming out from just reading. and on the day1!!
welcome to you.

Mag,

I don't really have advice either and I guess different methods of getting sober work for different people.

About six years ago, I quite opiates and began drinking heavily -- so much so that I ended up sleeping in my car because no one would put up with me. I could not stop. I felt like it was the only thing that could relax me or give me "strenght." My friends had an intervention, I listened, but I distanced myself from them. I was getting sober, but I broke my knee and ended up homeless again. In my thirties, at the time, I moved back in with my sister, and went to counseling. My counselor, picked up on my social anxiety and I haven't had a drink in about three years, I don't even like the taste or feel of being intoxicted (I did try once or twice.)

They always tell us to look for our triggers, but this we always need help from others to figure this out.

thank you for post.

Hi MagRich! I was a shaky mess a few days ago (I'm a little over a week in), so I feel ya.

The good news is that you will feel better very soon. If you want to be done, you can be done. I have tried to quit a million times, and never even made it 24 hours, but this time using AVRT feels so different. It's a very effective tool.

You can do this!!

Thanks guys for the welcome. I am just getting started on reading the RR book today. Any pointers or things to tell myself to keep going? I appreciate your help. I just want my life back and the trust of my family. My parents have seen enough where I was sickening, stumbling drunk. I have done things while drunk that I would never, ever consciously do. I'm doing all of the reading that I can. I don't drink in public, it's pretty much just at home at night, but I want it to stop! Thanks for letting me vent.

things to tell myself to keep going?

weeelll...in some of my more ornery moments i would mutter to myself:"a million assholes can do this. a million assholes have done this. dammit, so can i!"

was extremely useful in rallying myself.

That is good, Fini, especially the 'dammit, so can I' part. I used the other extreme to good effect too, 'I don't care if no one ever in the whole history of the history of the world's history has ever done this, I will, dammit. Nothing will prevent me from succeeding'.

I've also thought about the things I risked by drinking and continuing to drink - my job, my family, my marriage, my health, and I imagined the reaction and resolve if some force outside of me was setting itself against me to take those things from me by force against my will. I'd find a blade in my hand and a wall at my back in a hurry if that were the case because I would never allow that to happen.

The single most helpful thing for me was to understand that my compulsion to drink was not coming from the part of my brain that I control. I wasn't making a conscious choice to desire alcohol. I don't have some character flaw or spiritual defect that makes me desire alcohol. I can't control that impulse any more than I can control being hungry.

I can only control my actions. It's hard, especially at first, but it can be done. I wish you well.

morning mag xx
i think the difference for me this time round,,was that i needed to ,,but i WANTED to,and i sure have done just that ,,it gets easier each new and beautiful day,,it sure feels fab saying "im a non drinker" now,,keep it up your doin fantabulous hun xxx
remember,,you are strong,,you are in control ,,you can do this xxx
check out my cake,,well done,,its a cake for sobriety,,even if its a bit pink and girlie,,lol,,i bet all the guys lv it too ,,heeheee xxx
all the best ,, x lv cleo xxxxxx

Welcome Magrich from an ex-drinker who like you had a job and drank at home. You are very motivated but you will need to make plans for cravings and triggers and how you will avoid or cope with them. That's the time when your alcoholic brain tells you it will be ok to have just a small drink, plenty of people are worse than you, just once won't do any harm. If you can change your routine around the trigger points, and not let yourself get too tired or hungry, and have some substitutes to hand you'll make it easier to succeed.
As noble as giving up smoking is, please try it later when you have the alcohol under control unless you're superwoman of course!

Welcome and congrats for getting the ball rolling! I was lucky enough to get into a treatment center and spend 4 weeks locked up with other alcoholics and addicts. The teachings and structure there really helped. It was also scary that it had come to THAT - and I think that's why I dedicated myself 100% to sobriety. I had tried stopping on my own and it clearly didn't work. I had tried to keep alcohol in my life and clearly it had become unmanageable. For me, (I'm a "non AA" person also) AA actually did help in the early goings, the stories in particular.

I think you have to CONVINCE yourself and truly BELIEVE that quitting is the only way out. There is no way you can drink and have a meaningful life, that is the truth. But it was only after I truly BELIEVED it that I really grabbed on to sobriety and have kept it that way for almost 9 months now.

I know you said AA is not your thing - not for me either. But as I mentioned, some of the stories really helped me early on. In treatment one of the speakers was a former All-State hockey player, and went on to play in college. He was a hockey coach as an adult and a very respected guy in the community. But his alcoholism brought him down, his neighbors caught him stealing lawnmowers, snowblowers, and stereo equipment out of their garage. He was selling them on craigslist to get money for booze. He lost his family and became homeless, and hopeless.

Stories in AA really put a name and a face to this tragedy. Some of us need to be scared a bit - it spooked me sober and I've never gone back. Maybe try and go to a large meeting, you won't have to talk to anyone, can just watch, and leave after.

Good luck!

Update on day 2! Feeling a little better, less shakey and more clear headed. I tried yesterday to stay active, but take it easy too. I also tried to eat right, which is something that's fallen by the wayside.

I didn't get very far in the RR book yesterday as my mind was racing, shaking, hard to concentrate and actually read the words. I just could not sit still long enough. I was very anxious. Watched "the voice" with my kids and just curled up in a fuzzy blanket most of the night. I didn't have much trouble sleeping because I was so exhausted from the anxiety from day and also just coming off of a binge. I did have pretty bad night sweats though.

I didn't smoke yesterday, but ended up reasoning with myself that with the anxiety that I felt I would wait and quit smoking at a later date when my head and body were more equipped to handle tackling that beast. My usual pack a day is only @ 3 so far today. Hoping to keep it at 5 or below.

Thanks for the help, encouragement and suggestions yesterday. I'm putting my detox out there so that it will hopefully help others as it helps me as well. I have a long way to go, but I'll get there.

I will say this about the meetings...one thing that they did provide for me is to show me how far I could fall if I don't handle this. I was sitting beside many who had lost so much. People without licenses who just dreamed of getting things ironed out to be able to get a car. I have alot to be fortunate for and I want to fight for that while I still have it.

Thanks again for reading and I do appreciate any input that you have for me.

Well done on your progress Mag, you keep it up because you deserve to be free of this poison.

From everything I had read, giving up smoking is very important for people with alcohol problems because the association of smoking and drinking are very closely linked. Your body will have learned that when you're smoking you often get a drink down as well. It's going to be bloody awful but it's the bet thing both for your health and long term success at sobriety.

Wanting to quit is important but you must want to as you've already started on the right path. The support groups are not for everyone, I know they wouldn't suit me. The advantage of a forum like this is you get lots of the same benefits and can feel more comfortable about it due to the anonymity.

Keep going, remember this is a drug with absolutely no benefits, it's just a poison, and that's literally true, not an exaggeration.

All the best to you :)

Hey Mags. My drinking spot has been home too. I can't avoid that. I'm at day 1 and will be following your thread.

Congratulations on successfully quitting! Keep going.

I really outdid myself last night. My friends and I went out to dinner and had plans to stay at a hotel and do a half marathon this morning. I thought I could manage a few drinks. This led to me drinking a lot and making a complete idiot out of myself. Ticked off my best friend. She said she's "done with me" and left the hotel. I ended up calling a taxi to take me home because I couldn't face riding home with my other friends this morning. This was a $200 cab ride home. Ended up not doing the race on top of it because I was too hung over.

My friend will eventually come around, but right now she's not speaking to me and won't take my calls or respond to my texts.

I feel like complete dirt and I really hate myself right now. I am 40 years old and acted like an idiot. I don't even remember most of the night and woke up at 3:00 am in my room riddled with anxiety. I won't drink today or tonight, but I really want to, just to make everything go away for a bit.

I find myself with very high anxiety and worry today. I am worried about what my future holds if I don't stop drinking. I've not really lost anything but respect and self esteem due to my drinking. I do know that I have a lot to lose. I have two great kids, great family, beautiful home, nice vehicles, awesome job. I am making my life a mess.

I just wanted to put this out there. I appreciate your words. I just feel so fragile right now.

When drinking starts to cost you more than money (such as family, friends, work, home) maybe its time to reconsider alcohol.

I have been in your shoes many a time.
A few hours of drinking, a huge blackout, paranoia the next day, wondering what I said, what I did, who I upset.

What is quite powerful for me is that if I avoid that first drink, I can't get drunk, I can't black out, I can't upset anyone or hurt anyone I love. I also don't have to put up with the weeks of shame and guilt.

Now I look at a glass of wine with terror.
I know where it can take me.
For over 400 days, I have not had reason to feel ashamed or guilty.

Come here, post, learn and read.
Think to yourself today I am not going to drink. Then tomorrow when you wake up say it again, and the next day and the day after that.
Soon your days will start adding up and you will proud of yourself and not want to go back to where you were.

Its takes, time, it takes practice, it can be hard but its worth it xx

Hi Mag,

I was sort-of in the same boat as you. Two kids, female, same age group, great job, home, etc. I was making a mess of my life privately and I was edging a point where I was going to lose something more tangible from alcohol.

I hope you know that you can do this, not just because you want to, but because you have to. AVRT is working well for me, but it really didn't click until I started examining how society views drinking as an innocuous, normal activity...only when you are actually affected by what the drug is supposed to do are you considered "out of control."

Someone on this forum recommended "Kick the Drink...Easily" by Jason Vale. It is complementary to the RR/AVRT method. It did a good job of reprogramming brainwashing that says "you can only have a good time if you are drinking...," "Adults don't drink lemonade, they drink wine," etc.

I know what it feels like to be embarrassed by The Beast. I am on day 10 and am still uncomfortable about being around someone I made a fool of myself to. Ugh. Makes me sick to think about what I said/did.

Hang in there.

Since you have a predilection for AVRT, you can use this experience as an opportunity to quit for good NOW.

I recall how something similar led me to abstain forever.

And I can imagine how, if you put your mind to it, you will discover by using AVRT, you can quite quickly convert that feeling of fragility into very real hope and strength.

Hey Mag!

Have you taken the crash course at the Rational Recovery/AVRT website? It's very easy and short.

I learned about RR/AVRT the night I joined here, stopped drinking that night and am now permanently abstinent.