sober4mybaby

Hey Mag, I'm in the same boat. Day 1, after drinking a ton of vodka last night until around 6am. I'm a mom of a young daughter and also have a great job, and I've missed some days due to being hungover. No advice, just support.

cutie

I have 8 days sober...I found a new life I can't do it alone I need meetings..I need my sponsor and I need to always remember my last drunk...I lost the man I loved to my drinking...he walked out of my life and never looked back...today I say thank you to him because I hit my bottom really fast..AA saved my life and in the mtgs I feel the unconditional love I've been looking for for so long! And the only requirement for membership is the desire to quit drinking...go to another mtg open your mind and ears and listen...there isn't an easy softer way to do it...but with help you can!!

You are worth it!!

God bless

MagRich

THank you all. I'm feeling much better today. Day two. Again...

I have been thinking about the selfishness of alcohol. What it has cost me and how by taking ME away from life it also takes me away from my children, my family, my friends, what it has done to my ability to perform my job up to my potential. It causes me all the way around to not be there 100% or even 50%. I think of all of the hours, days, weeks, months it has taken from my life because I wasn't here or I was in bed.

Today it is going to be 75. Yesterday I bought flowers that need planted. I spread over 200 bags of mulch last year and I have that much more to do this year. I am a very busy single mom. I need to be here fully. In the present.

I do have the RR book, have read the AVRT crash course. I need to read the crash course again. I will admit that I was so anxious to get the RR book, but it's in my nightstand and I don't think I got passed page 10. I was either sober with so much to do that I can't take time to read or drunk and couldn't focus. Again, I am a binge drinker. It started out only at night. If there was alcohol left over the next morning it continued on throughout the day. Of course I have to sleep a drunk off. I can't let it happen during the day, so I'd go get more. 1 day would turn into 2 ect. After I'm sober then I'm riddled with guilt, shame, frustration, anxiety, not remembering what I did, what I said.

Thank you very much for being here and thank you for the gentle treatment. I really can't take harsh right now. I'm harder on myself than anyone else ever could be.

fini

Mag,

reading your post, thinking back to how it was for me.

how i hadn't really lost anything either. well, that's what i told myself. but this:"I've not really lost anything but respect and self esteem", when i couldn't avoid the truth of that and it hit me with full force just what a huge loss that was/is...it's as if i had pushed that away as being more or less irrelevant. as if anything/everything else is more important.

I thought I could manage a few drinks.

ah, that damn illusion that eventually we can control our drinking.

how is it going for you today, Mag?

sober4mybaby

You're absolutely right about the selfishness of alcohol. It also makes me sick to think of how much time I've wasted due to either being drunk or being hungover, when I could've been being a better worker, better mom, better wife, better friend. No more.

It looks like La Croix sparkling flavored water is now my drink of choice; good thing Costco has a 24-pack for $5

forabetterlife

Oh..Mag…your post resonates so much with me. First of all, Happy Mother’s Day to youAs a single, hard working mother myself, I know the struggles you go through as well as the shame and physical pain our (mostly) private, at-home, drinking can cause.
After years of pretty much secret drinking, and hiding it all from everyone I could, I finally started to really try to quit about 18 months ago. I have been by no means perfect, and maybe not the best example as I have had stretches of up to 2 months, relapse, another month, relapse..etc…but I have learned SO much about myself, this addiction, and more than anything I have learned how wonderful it feels to not drink- everything change: my outlook on life, my mothering skills, how I feel and look physically, my work, my home, my friendships, my sleep..the list goes on and on.
Wherever you are in your sobriety right now, never ever give up. It’s worth it, for yourself and your children.

MagRich

Thank you all and Happy Mothers Day to all mom's out there. I won't ever give up trying. It's like I can do fine for a week or two, stay on track and then get derailed thinking I can just "check out for a night". Kind of like a reward. I pulled out my RR book and am going to do some reading on that.

This past week I've been so productive. In all aspects of my life. Work, home, gardening, bill paying, getting my "to do" list checked off. I was feeling so good about my acomplishments and I still do. But then I think I need some kind of "reward". I will say that I do not view myself as a full blown alcoholic. I CAN control it in social settings, but I cannot or do not at home. Usually it's at night. After the kids are put to bed early. Wake up in the morning and get back on track. Thank you for listening. I am doing a lot of soul searching right now.

The selfishness that I'm displaying is so out of character of my core. I really struggle with that and the guilt that comes with it..

Genie

Hey Mag - I can relate to your posts. I did a lot of drinking alone. I am only a week sober, so I do not have any words of wisdom to offer. I know I am only holding on by tenterhooks, but I am determined. This group is awesome (thanks guys).

As for quitting smoking - that's one area where I finally succeeded. It's been 20 years since I last smoked and it was damn hard to quit. Took me at least 5 tries. I never used any patches or gum, just CT. I started out saying to myself...oh, I'll only smoke when I'm drinking (because they go hand-in-hand). That didn't work. Only have a puff - nope. What I finally realized is that I couldn't even light a cigarette for anyone. I could not be a casual smoker. I just could not have that next one. It was tough, but as time went by it became easier and now I don't even think about it. In fact, smelling smoke or walking through a cloud of smoke makes me ill.

Now...if I can only apply my same thought pattern to quitting drinking. It's got to be the same. The only difference I see, is that drinking is socially acceptable while smoking is not. Most places and homes will not allow smoking, but not the same for drinking - in fact, drinking is part of being social. However, unlike a casual smoker (who still is not allowed to smoke in most places), the casual drinker is most welcome.

I found quitting smoking far easier than quitting drinking.

If I were you, I would not focus on the smoking right now because the drinking is far more dangerous at this time.

Good luck to you, hon...we are rooting for you.

Genie

doggonecarl

Are you waiting to be a "full blown alcoholic" before you quit? Don't. The chronic stage of alcoholism is a terrible thing to behold. Even worse to suffer through.

Here's the fact: Despite your desire to quit, you can't. That's the problem. How far down the scale of alcoholism you are is an entirely different matter.

Pick up that RR book and read it. The only thing you are rewarding when you drink is your addiction.

Good luck.

GroundhogDay

Building on Carl's post,

The Beast is lying to you. You CAN'T control your drinking in social settings. Remember the May 4 $200 cab ride?

azureseas

switching to roll your own cigarettes helped me give up
the packet cigarettes are loaded with chemicals to keep them lit and are more addictive
you can get a machine and put in your own filters if you can't roll
hugs

Harveysmiles

Hi Mag. My poor health (eg oesophageal cancer) prompted me to get sober. Clean for 2 months now but miss the alcohol alot. I tell myself if I drink I die.

MagRich

What is wrong with me! I keep falling off the wagon and resetting myself. I have let everyone down again. Why can I not make the decision to stay quit?? I have been scouring the internet for something that will just make me stop and want to stay stopped. The way that I feel today should be enough. Anxious, shaky, nervous, like a failure. I'm stronger than this.

Nonsensical

Let's do this, Rich. I'm gonna beat this addiction like I caught it stealing from me. Because I did.

Down, but not out. Giddyup.

MagRich

Let's do this. Im tired of hurting my family and disappointing them yet again. They don't deserve this and we all deserve a better life. I just hope that they can forgive me when I can't forgive myself right now. It was just supposed to be "one last time". I need to make it count now. My family is pushing for a 30 day something somewhere. I don't need that as I'm a binge drinker. I need to round this up before it starts costing me even more than it already has. I love them so much and yet I still keep hurting everyone. The buck needs to end here.

doggonecarl

> What is wrong with me!

In your initial post you were quite adamant about a secular recovery method. Yet it doesn't seem that RR/AVRT is clicking with you either. Why? Why so much difficulty in "working" your recovery? Why, despite the guilt and anguish, have you not committed to never drinking again and formed your BIG PLAN?

Today can be your last day one.

1stthingsfirst

Mag and Non-

I was so very close to relapsing last night, but I went to the SR chat room and had several lovely people talk me out of it. I know how you feel; it just seems like a never-ending struggle right now, and I hope the cravings will lessen as I make it further along in sobriety.

I am doing AVRT as well, but I do not think it would not work as well if I didn't have my safety net of the SR chat room to talk with other addicts when I get a mad craving. Visiting the chat room is starting to feel like an automatic thing I do when I can hear The Beast. I get immediate feedback and support. Do you think about coming to SR when you are in the midst of a craving?

Just a thought, or suggestion... I hope you guys are feeling okay today. Drink some water and try to go easy on yourself. We can beat this!

awuh1

I know you are looking for support and please believe me when I say that I’m providing it. In order to do so I must point out peculiarity in your thinking (though this is not unusual for someone who is just beginning to learn about the programs and methods available).

You wrote on May 4th that “I really outdid myself last night. My friends and I went out to dinner and had plans to stay at a hotel and do a half marathon this morning. I thought I could manage a few drinks. This led to me drinking a lot and making a complete idiot out of myself.” Then 6 days later you wrote “I CAN control it in social settings”. This seems like a bit of a contradiction.

I point this out not to be “harsh” but to suggest that your thinking is not very clear right now (in early sobriety). Listen very carefully to what others are saying.

I have just one suggestion. Whatever method or program you decide to do … DO IT. Don’t just read about it or go to a few meetings. Work the program or method. That’s when you will get results.

You have my sincere best wishes. All the best to you.

fini

Mag,
i found it required more than strength.
it took action
takes action.
see, for me, there was no such thing as something that will just make me stop and want to stay stopped. to be found on the internet.
there is no magic.
you need to DO it.

take the energy you're using to scour the internet looking for the instant fix and use it for talking here. reading the books you already have. reading yet more books. planning for sobriety. finding some drunks to talk with.

sit with your question Why can I not make the decision to stay quit??

The way that I feel today should be enough.

the way i felt on any given day....yeah, that was good for a few hours.
and then i felt differently.

hm.....what you say about your family's rumblings about a 30-day thing....hm.....you're seeing it as waaayyy over the top in relation to this spot you're in?

good to see you back posting and connecting here.

GerandTwine

One AVRT tool that's simple and direct (and will cause you to recognize the difference between YOUR desire to never drink and ITS desire to drink more) is to put anything about yourself and drinking into the PAST TENSE.

Tell yourself, "I WAS a binge drinker." and also try this on for size, "I USED TO drink alcohol". Then just sort out YOUR positive resulting feelings, from ITS negative resulting feelings. This recognition should help reduce some of the confusion and help you begin separating from IT.