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Advice on Handling People Who Want to be Helpful

Old 03-17-2013, 08:39 AM
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Advice on Handling People Who Want to be Helpful

As I lay passed out in my own drool yesterday, Mrs Non shared my dirty little secret with some friends and family. I don't blame her. She is laying the groundwork to leave me if it becomes necessary.

However, now I have people who are offering advice and support.

"You should talk to your Uncle Joe, he has this problem, too, you know..."

"Don't you think you should be going to meetings?"

"We'll get through this together."


What's the best response to put people at ease? To let them know I don't need meetings and I actually know what I am doing?
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:49 AM
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Point 'em to the RR website.
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Old 03-17-2013, 08:56 AM
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
As I lay passed out in my own drool yesterday

She is laying the groundwork to leave me if it becomes necessary.

I don't need meetings and I actually know what I am doing
Take a look at the lines I picked out from your post. Doesn't sound like you "know what you're doing".

I certainly would never push you to do AA, I have plenty of issues with that whole thing. But what's wrong with talking to your uncle Joe? It could help you, and help your family feel at ease. What's wrong with trying something new? Just because it's going to be uncomfortable for you? Recovery is not a rainbow slide that takes you on a cotton candy cloud filled with naked ladies. It's a pain in the ass. Deal with it, give yourself a chance. Maybe listening to your wife for a change wouldn't hurt.
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Old 03-17-2013, 09:01 AM
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Sounds like you have a lot of people who care about you nonsensical. Do it for them.
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Old 03-17-2013, 09:30 AM
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I don't believe I need 'recovery'. I don't have anything to recover from. I drank alcohol, it wears off in about 24 hours. I didn't binge long and hard enough to face any physical withdrawals.

I need to not drink any more, which I am now committed to doing. Or not doing. However that grammar works.
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Old 03-17-2013, 09:38 AM
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Continue to walk that line, to make your way forward, as you see fit to do. Acknowledgement of the pain of others can take many different forms, and a little humility wears well and can be quite becoming. I found that doing some of these things helped others, and by bringing to the forefront of acceptance, it helped me too.
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Old 03-17-2013, 11:39 AM
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No one will EVER be at ease. A drunks words mean nothing and never will when it comes to saying anything about drinking. Period.

Show them! I believe in you!
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Old 03-17-2013, 12:06 PM
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Your wife has reached her saturation point?
She's not keeping your secret...people sound as though they care about you. And may be scared.
Yup, the booze wears off, but you didn't sit on the porch and drink a few too many beers....you had a blackout binge friday night and early saturday.
You said you woke up in the neighbors bushes and you banged your head. Hurt yourself.
Perhaps you want to talk about this with 1-1 counciling?
Or wait until things calm down and talk to your wife?
I was thinking danger when you said you had plans for Saturday evening and were voicing thoughts...i am guessing the social plans were cancelled.
Weasel's correct, no one is at ease.....after a long period they may be...but all you can do is show them you mean to remain a non drinker...and prove it....
My brother still brings up one of my drunken exhibits at his home from 20 years ago.....i played trivial pursuit from under the table after i fell off the chair.
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Old 03-17-2013, 01:28 PM
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Each instance of help is an oppourtunity for YOU to give back to THEM some demonstration of humility and humbleness you're feeling for being grateful for their offers and understandings, no matter how misplaced they may be to your circumstances.

Better to be thankful and on top, then be uncomfortable and annoyed.

Besides, the sooner they understand for themselves you're going to be okay, the sooner they will let you carry on as yourself. Nothing impresses people quite like saying "thank you"

Glad you're taking a stand, Non. Ride that bitch Beast down into the ground. Don't look back.
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Old 03-17-2013, 07:24 PM
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Nonsensical,
it would be very difficult, i imagine, to convince anyone i know what i'm doing when i'm crawling out of the bushes i have passed out in, drooling as i'm doing so.
wouldn't really be all that persuasive.
that you now know you need to stop for sure is is good news, but to others, it likely looks and sounds like "same old same old".

that you have "nothing to recover from" since "I didn't binge long and hard enough to face any physical withdrawals." sounds...hm..like not the entire story. i say that because you're on a recovery forum, and so i'm thinking you have seen that your "problem" is not that you drank too much. i take it somewhere you sense that the way this forum is about "recovery" is more than a physical recovery from a few too many.

no, i never needed a meeting, or anyone else, and most certainly needed nothing other than to stop drinking. which of course i decided to do and then set out to follow through with best intentions and total commitment.
why and how these commitments could fall by the wayside so many times....well, there were different stories about that in my mind. many of them to do with triggers, or miseries, or the beautiful free choices i was making to "have a few".

no, i'm not making fun of you. or myself. it was agony, dragging on and on and on.

you're on a recovery forum, talking with others.
why?
because 'part' of you knows doing it by yourself hasn't worked out so well, and just getting over the physical effects and saying you should/would stop didn't work out so well either. nor did "having a few" stay at a few.

me, i had things to "recover" from. the weird going back to drinking when i had said i wasn't going to, for one.
the running to booze when not-drinking got too itchy; that kind of stuff and more.

hm...and about not looking back? oh, looking back and seeing it for what it is/was has been hugely useful.
looking back not to wallow in self-pity or guilts, but to make sure i know. for sure. that i won't "forget".

but i'm going all over the place, and not just keeping to what you asked for: how to deal with others.
what works for me often when i disagree with what others are saying but i'm not interested in a conversation about it at all is to say "hm, yeah, you might be right there." "yeah, that could be so".
takes the wind out of any argument the other might have been trying to have with you without committing you to any action whatsoever.

and i won't be offended if you use it on me here now
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Old 03-17-2013, 09:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post

What's the best response to put people at ease? To let them know I don't need meetings and I actually know what I am doing?
If you have truly made your once in a lifetime Big Plan, you will intuitively know the best way to put them at ease. If YOU doubt your own permanent abstinence by failing to atribute ALL doubt to your Beast, then you will remain confused, and they will sense that in you, thinking you are offering the same old hollow promises.
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Old 03-17-2013, 10:16 PM
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In my case, I had become like the little boy that cried wolf. While sick, after a bad bout of drinking I made the same old affirmations for the bazillionth time. Talking the talk starts to lose meaning after a while, you have to walk the walk to make it real.
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Old 03-17-2013, 10:50 PM
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Hi Nonsensical, I love your avitar!!

Not saying anything, but have a look at this post. (Actually we all can learn something from this.)

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-reposted.html
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Old 03-17-2013, 11:30 PM
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Originally Posted by DryRoastJim View Post
Hi Nonsensical, I love your avitar!!
Thanks for loving my avatar, DryRoastJim!!!
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Old 03-18-2013, 03:08 AM
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Say thanks, accept it with good grace , suck it up and let it go . Most people say anything that wafts into their minds as it's an experience they haven't had and hopefuly will never understand .
In the end the proof is in the doing everything else is just words .

Bestwishes, M
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Old 03-18-2013, 03:40 AM
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What would you be saying if that were your wife in the bushes? Your daughter? I'm pretty sure you would be racking your brain for possible solutions, no matter how implausible or non-helpful. When we love someone and that someone appears hell bent on self-destruction, we tend to grab at straws. It's natural. and ps you're lucky. Many folks don't have people to bug the sh*t out of them. Some don't have even one other person who even cares if they died in those bushes.

They aren't in your head. They don't know that the switch has flipped for you. All you can do is show them. Own that you have hurt them, own that you have failed them, and show them that this time is different.

My family took care of my young children for over a month while I was gone. I caused so much upheaval in everyone's life, that I did whatever I could to reassure. I'm not suggesting the following for everyone, for reasons I won't go into here, but given an ultimatum I certainly did my time with my ass in a folding chair. It did nothing for me, but it was the least I could do to calm them. Their fear for my life was palpable.

Unfortunately for us, sometimes time is the only thing that gives us any credibility with loved ones.
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Old 03-18-2013, 04:11 AM
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Originally Posted by mecanix View Post
Say thanks, accept it with good grace , suck it up and let it go .
This is what I have been doing. One of you brilliant people was supposed to have created a short poignant phrase that simultaneously soothes and dispels the mythical aura of the folding chairs. I can't believe you've let me down like this.

Is it too early for jokes? It might be too early for jokes. Sorry.

I APPRECIATE you guys and gals.

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Old 03-18-2013, 04:34 AM
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical
One of you brilliant people was supposed to have created a short poignant phrase that simultaneously soothes and dispels the mythical aura of the folding chairs.
"Their plan says it's ok to drink again, to relapse over and over and over. The plan I'm following says I'll never drink again, and I won't change my mind. Considering what my relapses are like, which do you think I should follow?"

Howzat?
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Old 03-18-2013, 07:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Nonsensical View Post
This is what I have been doing. One of you brilliant people was supposed to have created a short poignant phrase that simultaneously soothes and dispels the mythical aura of the folding chairs. I can't believe you've let me down like this.

Is it too early for jokes? It might be too early for jokes. Sorry.

I APPRECIATE you guys and gals.


Where I come from, it's not too early for jokes. For some folks, its always too early. Meh.

Well, as someone who sat his own time, by choice, in those folding chairs, I did myself a favor. If nothing else I learned what not to do in many interesting and important instances. We all know I'm not a poster boy for whatever, and I like to find what works for me, and I'm not afraid to find out for myself what that is, wherever it may be, and to hell with rhetoric from whatever camp attempting to dissuade me from checking things out firsthand no less. Nothing beats real experience.

It's my life, and I'll play the cards to dealt to me as I say so. When I don't like the hand dealt, I fold. There is always a new deal coming up. Just like cards, life is more about real choices, and less about endless guesses. I play to win, not just to show. In my non-drinking sober lifestyle, there is no 2nd place option.

Although I haven't always agreed with your "experimental-we'll-see-what-is-what-and-take-it-from-there" ways, Paul, I absolutely respect your choices to be "yourself" and your "who's life is it anyways?" attitude towards permanent abstinence/recovery/recovered lifestyle choices.

Stand tall, buddy.
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Old 03-18-2013, 08:00 AM
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I definitely think that everyone should take their own road. However...the concept of "whose life is it anyways?" well, when you have a commitment to a partner and especially to children, it's not just "your life" per se. I have an important commitments to those I love to be trustworthy, to be counted on, to keep my word.

Honestly, I don't think folding chairs are necessary for those who have committed to abstinence. Do I think it's sometimes necessary to jump through hoops in life? Yes, indeed I do.

Hopefully Mrs. Non won't make that a condition to staying, but if she does, seems a pretty easy choice to me. Best case scenario they allow you to show them and you don't ever ever ever waste this chance. This has less to do with drinking than it does with the fact that you have some hearts in your care. They were given to you freely. Don't be reckless with them.
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