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1stthingsfirst 03-15-2013 11:57 AM

Crossed the line

Well, this is a hard thing to admit, but I am an alcoholic. I used to drink a beer 3 or 4 times a week, only in the evenings. Now, I am up to 4-6 drinks per day. Yesterday I crossed the line. I drank all day after a night of drinking 5 glasses of wine. What is wrong with me? Why do I do this? I just have a hard time coping with even minor stressors. I have never driven a car after a drink, but I am so foolish and embarrassed that my children have been in my care, when I was not able to drive. What if there were an emergency?

I am tired of not fulfilling commitments and letting my family down by not working enough and zoning out. I need to be a better mother, spend more time with my kids and go with the flow instead of having to control everything. I am choosing health, positivity and family. I am choosing to live and to accept that I have a problem that needs to be addressed right away.

I work from home and homeschool my children (they didn't get much work done yesterday). I used to be regimented and reliable; now I basically stay home and don't talk to anyone, unless it is after booze-fueled impulse to call friends or family in the evening. I know I need to get out more and visit with friends more.

I am working with a workbook and am bought several books. My plan is to taper from 3 drinks a day to zero, within a week.

I am currently taking Prozac, which helps, but I need camaraderie from others who are going through the same thing. I like to keep my life private, and despite reading that it is difficult to quite without a group, I am going to try to do it with online resources and a visit to a therapist. It is my secret and I am so ashamed, I couldn't bear it if anyone knew.

Thanks for listening. This is my first post. I plan to put "first things first" and stop procrastinating and really become more aware of my moment-to-moment stress so that I can live in the present and be more accepting and flexible with others and myself.

Admiral 03-15-2013 12:12 PM

In my experience change is the most powerful tool in recovery. Is it possible for you to get a job outside of the home? You don't have to work a ton of hours, but just getting out of the house every day helps a lot. I think that if you simply decide to quit, and continue to stay at home as you have, then it will be very difficult, changes are truly powerful; change in lifestyle, habits and thinking.

RobbyRobot 03-15-2013 12:17 PM

Welcome to SR!

I'm not one for tapering down, but then this is your first post, so you're sure to get opinions with tapering down, you don't need mine right now. :)

Shame can be unwanted baggage if you'll just let it go, although words are easy, I know. I felt shame too initially, and the sooner we let it go replaced with humility and gratitude, we do much better with ourselves.

Living in the present is awesome of course, and you'll be much surprised when you reach a tipping-point and it all becomes just so easy and obvious. :)

I'm looking forward to hearing more from you, 1stthingsfirst.


1stthingsfirst 03-15-2013 12:34 PM

Thanks for the feedback. To answer your question, my job pays very well, but I am so sick of it. It is terribly boring and I am a creative person. It is a battle to get motivated to do the work. I did something positive this month and put together an art installation locally. But, I lack the courage and discipline to market myself to make a career at it. I really like children's books and want to work as an illustrator. In the meantime, I can always wake up early to work and take my laptop to a coffee shop.

You are right about change. I do need it. I am going to start by returning to my old hobbies, hiking and gardening, before I became a hermit and avoider.

Fandy 03-15-2013 12:39 PM

Welcome To Sober Recovery! (you must have infinite patience to homeschool the kids).

since you are talking books, I just downloaded Jason Vale's "Kick the Drink Easily" can get a free sample to see if it is helpful.

i'm at 22 months and the process was slow, but i am returning to the old hobbies i loved too. looking forward to spring here!

1stthingsfirst 03-15-2013 12:52 PM

Thanks Fandy, I will get that book. My husband is currently going through sex addiction. He has weekly therapy sessions, in two groups and is 7 months sober. I will get a recommendation from her for a good therapist. She is in recovery herself for alcoholism.

I know it is a risky endeavor to taper down, but at this point, starting with 3 drinks a day will be cutting my consumption in half. I have read about the pros and cons of tapering down. I made a commitment to myself, in writing when and what to drink. I hope I can make it through the first stages without any severe side effects. Most of all, I hope I have the resolve to stay sober and give myself a new life.

fini 03-15-2013 02:07 PM

hello 1st,
i was an alone-at-home drinker, mostly, and very ashamed and secretive. the shame was the first thing to lift after i got sober. within a few weeks, i noticed i was literally holding my head higher and actually looking people in the eyes more and smiling more. it was very noticeable to myself.

my best real-life sober pal has 13 years sobriety and did the first six on-line.
so yeah, it can be done. i did make myself go to a secular meeting just because i needed to make myself do that just once, to acknowledge to myself and others publicly what was so difficult to acknowledge then, and there i met enough good people so that i went back for many more times :)
let us know how you're doing.

1stthingsfirst 03-15-2013 02:16 PM

Thank you Fini for the advice. I means a lot to have someone understand. Iam definitely an at-home, secretive type. I really am not trying to avoid the necessary steps of recovery, I just need to do this in a way that I feel will work for me. In order to give myself more accountability, I think I will start a journal online here.

Fandy 03-15-2013 04:17 PM

Just so you know 1st.....I was also a drinker who isolated at home every night.
my alcohol fed my depression which fed my alcohol consumption to feel better which led to feeling worse. I also had insomnia made worse by meds and drinking....and for the icing on the cake...menopause!!!
i went from a "heavy" drinker to 8-10 BIG glasses of wine every night...(about 1.5 liters) topped off with shots of vodka.
i did not taper, i drank what was in the house and stopped while i was home sick...i had withdrawal but it was tolerable. you should have your doctor on speed-dial.

bigsombrero 03-15-2013 04:33 PM

Like Robby Robot I also don't advocate the 'taper' method, but again you're bound to get advice both ways.

One of the things that really helps early on is to do something you enjoy, sober. I bet with your kids and your job etc, you don't get a lot of time on your own. Maybe you can call a friend and see a movie, just get out and do something different. And make sure you're sober for the activity! Sober fun creates happy sober memories, and it helps to have those to build on. Good luck.

1stthingsfirst 03-15-2013 05:00 PM

I decided to not taper down. Thanks for the advice. Going outside to pull weeds and garden.

1stthingsfirst 03-16-2013 07:34 PM

Fandy, thank you so much for that book recommendation! I read it last night before bed. It really helped me re-wire my thoughts about "alcoholism" and drinking. It was exactly the right book for me, read at the right time.

I am doing okay with going cold-turkey. I am very grateful for the advice everyone gave me. I had a sweaty night and woke up with a headache, but nothing more. Had a few cravings today, but reading that book really helped me understand my habits, as well as others' drinking habits.

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