Delaying the Big Plan over & over
 

Ok, I'm just exhausted.

I know it's my Beast tellin' me to follow my urges, and for whatever stupid reason, I listen to it, and act on it. I'm stupid.

I postpone my Big Plan, just don't know why I'm doing that but it's been a week now.

I WANT to stop. FOREVER. I don't want to stay like this anymore. So why the hell do I still listen to the AV? Why?!

I know it's only pleasure-seeking, but I can't tolerate it anymore. I want it to stop, now, more than anything in the world :(

PS: Sorry for the mistakes, I'm french!

Bonjour, Dominorose!

Just for me, I try to focus less on my BP and more on AVRT itself: that is, I practise the simple 'identify [It / Addictive Voice]' and then 'separate [Me from It].

Please don't despair; I'm sure that some other much more experienced AVRT practitioners / students than I will come along to help you out.

Welcome to SR and this fabulous section: it's full of very intelligent, wise, and witty people.

Blessings to ya!

Your English looks perfect to me; it's my old schoolgirl French that needs work :-)

Is it? Do you enjoy it? I'm guessing not. That was one of the hardest parts for me—to pierce the veil of addiction, and see through all the lies I told myself:

—"Drinking is fun." Really? What part was I enjoying? I mean, yeah, years aho there were some good times. But toward the end, it was pure misery. The best I could hope for was to get numb. But even then, I couldn't escape the worry. The concerns for my health. The fear I might never be able to quit.

—"Drinking is relaxing." Hmmmm. I wasn't feeling very relaxed when I checked my eyes for jaundice. Or when the phone rang, and I suddenly realized I might not even be able to fake sobriety. Or at work the next day, feeling tired and desperate, already beginning to debate that voice inside my head. It's exhausting, just like you said.

—"Drinking helps me cope... It takes the edge off bad times... Helps me celebrate the good times." What a joke. The reality is when I had a bad day, I would open a bottle and proceed to wallow in whatever negative emotions I had. Not only that, it made me a generally bitter guy. Resentful. Not just when I was drinking; I used to curse at other drivers at 7 in the morning. Is that "coping"? As for celebrating... ha. I've already told you how much "fun" I was having.

I was terrified of quitting, Dominorose. I imagined life would be one long struggle. I thought it would be boring, too. Guess what? That's all a lie. Don't believe it. The first few weeks were difficult, scary, and emotional—but then I adapted. Not only adapted, but began to really live again. The world is more colorful now. I'm more patient with myself and others. I'm much more relaxed. I do a lot more now—try new things, socialize more, and just generally have a lot more fun. I sleep like a baby. I look better. I feel better.

Think about it: You hear people on SR say all the time they wish they'd quit much sooner than they did. But have you ever heard one person say they wish they'd waited?

The Big Plan isn't the sacrifice. Postponing it—that's the real sacrifice. Why waste another minute? :)

Recognising that it's your beast delaying making your big plan is half the battle. Now all you have to do is ignore it and get on with living a happy sober life. Did you read 'the only time is now' bit in the Rational Recovery book? That really helped overcome the 'one last time's' I kept on thinking were essential. It's on page 140, after the big plan stuff :) x

Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid.
 

You are right. An addicted person drinks ONLY for the pleasure. That is the only up-side. If the down-sides of addicted drinking are not great enough, then an addicted person will have to use an intellectual leap of faith to imagine how bad it can get.

On p. 36, of The Art of AVRT, by Jack Trimpey, 2010, is the sub-heading "Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid." It goes on to say "If you aren't afraid of ending up where you're headed, then you have no good reason to quit drinking/using. ... Therefore, you should now recall the pain, and think about where you're headed, and feel the fear of being propelled to intolerable losses and pain. Be afraid, Be very afraid. Really! ..."

ReadyandAble, you're right. My problem is not drinking but eating & purging. But when I think about it, I realise I don't enjoy it anymore.

- I eat when I'm not hungry : that's not pleasant at all, I don't enjoy food as much as I enjoy it when my body NEEDS to eat.

- Instead of savoring a normal meal, I stuff my belly with food until I am too full to eat more... That's not pleasure.

- I only "enjoy" the first 10 minutes of the binge... After, there is only despair, shame, misery, and pain, because my human brain is slowly "coming back"...

You're right. Waiting and postponing is just another trick from my Beast, and I've been its slave for too long. It's time to live, and even if I'm scared, I want to do it now. Today. And there's no coming back.

Hypocondriac, I have the book in my handbag... I'll read page 140 right now, thank you for the advise :)

GerandTwine, be sure I am scared ! But yes, I know now it's not ME who's scared but IT. And I just fu**** don't care ! :)

But what disturbs me is the "Lapse Reconstruction Sheet" at page 178 of RR. I just DON'T understand why Trimpey wrote it.

The AV's tellin me : "Great ! let's try it ! Trimpey created it for people to USE it, so let's binge and use it after !".

I already know the main situations leading to the urge to binge. So what's the point? And what's the point of using it if I'm never going to binge again?

I really like that sheet :) And it is essential in a way. The great thing about AVRT is that it doesn't allow you to gloss over the reasons why people pick up again. There are no mental blank spots, you need to figure out what your AV did/said to make you want to drink, once you realise that it looses it's power. How many times do people relapse and just say 'I don't know why I did it'? I think the point is that there are reasons and they're all in your own head. If alcoholism is presented as this big mystery then there's a chance you'll do it again because you don't know why you did it in the first place. I have to say I am enjoying looking at this stuff again. When I first got sober it all made my head hurt. I found the pedanticness of this stuff really hard work but it all starts making sense as you sober up. Just go with it, stay sober and listen to your AV. I think it is something that requires quite a bit of practice x

One thing I understood lately, is my tendancy to isolate myself and cancel all my appointments with friends, guys, etc... I really think this is my Beast in action, because it wants free time to binge. Understing this is really helping me because each time I feel lazy, or searching for excuses not to go, I know it is just the AV. Tonight I've planned to go out and meet a guy I really like, and even if it doesn't want to and doesn't stop telling me "Just go home, it's snowing, it's too cold outside, go home and nothing will happen I promess I won't send any urge" : blablabla. I don't care, I will go and that's all :)

If IT's scared of your not throwing up food ever again, and if YOU don't care, of course it will keep happening.

Dominorose, I hope you're getting professional help for the binging/purging. A problem of that nature may need to be dealt with on many different fronts. Rational Recovery doesn't really address all of the emotional issues that could be contributing factors.

BackToSquareOne, if I'm here today it is because I've seen too many therapists for this problem ;)

And it was not really cool to write this, it just gave another excuse to my Beast : "look, you see, you have to see someone : you have a DISEASE, you can't make it on your own, forget about rational recovery".........

Dominorose,
Everyone here just wants to help, so please do not take anything we write as anything other than that. Counseling is great for underlying issues with life. I certainly still have those, even though I have made and stuck to a BP. I do not see myself as having a disease. I have some bad life management skills which drinking covered up. We all are complex and need to work on our physical and mental health on many fronts. how one chooses to do this work is a very personal decision. I started with not drinking and as I get stronger, it enables me to work on other things. Alcohol and bullemia are very similar in that we used them because of inadequate coping skills.

The BP can be made today. I know it is frightening to take away the thing that satisfied your beast, but it can be done. It will get weaker, you will get stronger.

What would your BP look like?

HitRockBottom, you're right. I'm really angry today because it's my first day without acting on my urges, the Beast tries to make me binge eat.

Maybe later, if I feel the need to see someone, I will. But for the moment I need to focus on my recovery, and nothing else.

I hear you. My beast did that too. It would twist anything it couldinto a way for me to cave in. Early on for me it was anger also. It will change tactics, but it does quiet down (or we get better at ignoring it). Point is, it gets easier.

So your BP would look like?
I will never binge eat again and I am not changing my mind.
Or
I will never binge eat and purge and I am not changing my mind.
Or are you thinking another wording?

HitRock, my Big Plan is in french, but it is, in english:

I will never binge eat and purge again. And I will never change my mind.

:)

What's really tricky with bulimia is the fear of weight gain. I explain : when you re-feed, you always regain weight at the beginning. So each time I have a meal, my Beast sends me urges to binge and the fatal excuse : "you have to binge and purge, if you keep this down, you'll become fat".

It is so convincing I really have trouble to separate my true self and the Beast, because each time I stopped bulimia I gained weight. Because my true self doesn't want to get fat it seems the Beast uses this excuse because it knows it is my biggest fear...

What do you think about this?

Hi DominoRose,

Have you ever consulted a dietician for an eating plan to help combat your bulimia and help limit weight gain?

Trachemys,


Yes, I have dozen meal plans in my head and I have strong nutrition skills... It didn't help at all... But in a way you're right bc in a way to replace my old habit for a new one I have to follow a structured eating schedule (and that's what I'm doing since my Big Plan, even if I'm not hungry and feel bloated all the time, I have to force myself to "reassure" my brain, to prove it I'm not in"diet mode" anymore)

:)

Very good.