fini

yes, the "identity-thing"...we've had many hundreds-of-posts-long conversations on the LifeRing forum about that, with various participants.
seems true often enough that one of the pulls to drinking again relates to trying to hang on to how we experience(d) that drinking identity. what all was/is invested in that.

so good to hear you feeling so positive and enthusiastic!

Newatthis34

Well hello again everyone! I'm resurrecting this thread in order to update and catalogue my 'progress' - if you could call it that - since I last posted.

Although I have not been posting these last few months I have been spending lots of time here on SR every day as I continued trying to beat this thing. I feel like I've come to the end of the road in my learning experience when it comes to alcohol. There really is nothing else to say, I can no longer drink and derive any pleasure from it. The fallacy all along was thinking it was something I enjoyed. I no longer enjoy it.

Last week, having been sober since August, I had more bad news to do with my dog. My darling dog, after surviving acute pancreatitis in June, ruptured his cruciate ligament in August. Had surgery, and a long convalescence, and was just coming right when the second leg went last Monday. I am now waiting for a referral to an orthopedic specialist to see what can be done for him, it's complicated because he's a mixed breed and an odd shape so the angles are off making surgery options both difficult and expensive. Anyways, I was crying and depressed and in the depths of self-pity I decided to get drunk. It was a kind of desperate move, trying to find something that could even give me a few hours of relief from feeling so sad. Even while doing it, I was not enjoying it. I didn't enjoy ANYTHING about it.

But I drank again the following day, and the day after that. I honestly cannot explain it, but by now I knew I was doing it even though I knew I wasn't going to enjoy it. It was like a form of self-punishment for drinking the first day, kind of like 'You stupid b***h, you want to drink do you, well I'll make you drink good and proper'. Self-loathing anyone?!

I see now that my ideas about sobriety have changed. Life sober has been so good, I am happier sober. How perverse do you have to be to wreck that and do something you don't like? The world of alcohol has nothing left for me. I've discovered that beyond all doubt now. Any lingering ideas that alcohol could give me anything have evaporated. It's not about commitment after all, it's about reaching a point when you see that it's all been an illusion. If nothing else I can thank my dog for teaching me that in a roundabout way.

fini

good to see you again, NAT, and to hear about you knowing there's nothing real there for you, only illusion.
for me, understanding i couldn't "beat this thing" was the turnaround when i could quit for good.

one of my daughters' dogs had a torn ACL in winter which was healing when she tried to squat and slipped in the snow and tore the other one. yep, major expense and challenge.
lots of distress.
but the dog and my kid all recovered and the kid made a payment-schedule arrangement with the vet and things got taken care of and the dog lived another 7 years and died at 16.

Newatthis34

Thanks fini for that positive news about your daughter's dog, I needed to hear that. I've been catastrophizing the whole thing imagining I'll have to put him down etc. I cannot stress how much he means to me, and he's just coming up on 6 years old so there's a lot of years left to spend together. I'm lucky a good friend can lend me the cash so no matter what it costs that won't be the issue.

fini

catastrophizing isn't a terrifically useful thing, is it....

that kid of mine had two big dogs at the time and i had one big dog, and between those three dogs we ended up with five torn ACL's overall.
ridiculous.
they all died from something entirely different in their individual ends eventually...

now...how's the sobriety-thing going?
funny about the catastrophysing...i'd almost bet you'd do much more of that about a dog's knee surgery than about a return to drinking....

Received

Some of the simplest yet hardest realities I learned were from watching and caring for my critters through the years. Both personally and professionally.

As for the ACL and alternate leg rupture, taking into account the dog having to use the "good" leg for most weight bearing, a gait shift in order to account for bum ligament, a wonky body structure and possible pre-disposition genetically it's not exactly unusual for the other cruciate to have a blow out.

Financially it can be quite a hit and emotionally quite a heart tug, but, yeah, not a catastrophe. Little dude should be fine.

So, about not drinking. Where are you at with that?

Newatthis34

Vis-a-vis drinking I do not see it as an option in any shape or form anymore. As you can see from my join-date I've been here a while, so it's been a long drawn-out process of learning from others and also of course about myself.

Re-reading my thread I can see changes in my thought process and feelings about alcohol evolving and changing throughout this period. I've gone from approaching things as though I had to utilise self-control to a fundamental mind-shift to where I understand that, actually, I do not want to drink anymore. For me the scariest thoughts are the 'f**k it I'm gonna drink', where a mindlessness descends and I just don't care. Those are dangerous moments, so I'm conscious that I have to be prepared for those. But as to the daily routine of cracking open the wine at 5pm, those days seem like a lifetime ago.

The past three years have been the most challenging of my life (mom diagnosed with terminal cancer, nursing her for a year, dad dies four months later, I face up to my alcoholism), but I feel like I have emerged so much stronger and better able to cope than I ever thought possible. Loads of challenges still ahead, particularly with my husband who drinks, and my social scene as I have been pretty isolated since I resolved to tackle this. But altogether major personal growth been happening and I'm sure will continue to happen.

It feels so great to KNOW, REALLY KNOW, that the whole alcohol world holds nothing for me. I feel like for years I've been opening cupboard doors searching for something and been frustrated to find them empty. Now I understand I was in the wrong room altogether! Corny analogy I know but hey, been reading too many self-help books I suppose!!

PS My dog having his tplo surgery today, met the orthopaedic vet yesterday and he was confident he could sort him out. Paws crossed

Hawkeye13

Paws crossed for both of you. Sounds like you are really getting it.

I was in shock when I realized after my last relapse that drinking held nothing for me anymore and it wasn't that I was missing something but that I had undergone a huge internal shift.

It has been so much easier to not be tempted since I realized that.

Sobriety is what I want now, not what I'm "doomed to" anymore.
Sounds like you feel the same. Hugs and kisses to your dog, and ask him to give you some from me.

jkb

Hi NAT-

Thanks for the update. Glad you are seeing alcohol for what it really is. Always remember the beast lies.

Jess

Newatthis34

YES, YES!! Totally. It's been helping me to see it all as an illusion, a false promise that keeps tricking you into coming back for more.

It's funny, I'm using words that I always heard used to describe alcohol or any other addiction, but it's like I only fully understand what they mean now. Makes me think that for some of us we need to follow a different, maybe harder path in order to walk away finally from addiction. I craved a clean, neat solution like AVRT (or what I perceived it to offer) to deal with my alcoholism once and for all. Quit and stay quit without any cravings or relapses/slips. That has not been my path. But I am so secure with the point I've reached regarding alcohol now that I know it is well and truly over for me