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Old 01-03-2013, 06:39 AM
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Sie
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AA Struggler

Hi All,

I've been sober just over a year, and attended AA for the first few months of that.

I have always struggled with AA, not the people they are lovely, just the whole 12 step thing.

I did upto step 3, but at that point I felt a fraud for going any further as they really didn't relate to my beleives ...

I heard in a meeting once, that you are considered a 'dry drunk' (I hate that expression) if you are not a 12 stepper, and would love to know other people's view here who are not follwing the program.

Thanks all...
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Old 01-03-2013, 06:47 AM
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Originally Posted by Sie View Post
I heard in a meeting once, that you are considered a 'dry drunk' (I hate that expression) if you are not a 12 stepper, and would love to know other people's view here who are not follwing the program.
And some religionists consider you an infidel or apostate if you don't share or leave their religion...

One can be sober in AA, one can be sober not in AA, one can be drunk in AA, one can be drunk not in AA, one can be a decent person in AA, once can be a decent person not in AA, one can be a jerk in AA, one can be a jerk not in AA...

The dry-drunk thing is an example of black-and-white thinking, our way or the highway, in-groups and out-groups...

Do what works for you, what is true to your own principles. If that is AA, great. If not, then great too! But keep your critical thinking, you don't have to drink anyone's kool-aid.

There are other ways to get help, SMART Recovery, AVRT, lifering, etc... Might not have face-to-face meetings in your area, but that's the blessing of the internet. And plenty of other sober activities in which to meet new healthy friends face-to-face.
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Old 01-03-2013, 07:09 AM
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Sie
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Thanks for that...

I just saw the reference to SMART on another thread, and there is one in my town - funnily enough, three doors down from where my wife works! Amazing!

I understand totally what you say also... it was something that kind of stuck with me even though now a year on I am really finding my feet and independence ...
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Old 01-03-2013, 07:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Sie
I heard in a meeting once, that you are considered a 'dry drunk' (I hate that expression) if you are not a 12 stepper, and would love to know other people's view here who are not follwing the program.
My mom always says, "Just because someone says something, doesn't make it true". I don't even consider spending any time chewing on the term "dry drunk". That would take up too much time...time that would be better spent thinking about actual cool stuff.
Originally Posted by nycguy83
keep your critical thinking,
Best advice ever. Do the things that bring you the desired results, and do not do the things that don't. I learn, apply, and sort things according to that. Let me also point out that the learning and growing I do is about bettering my life, not keeping me "sober". I don't drink. Period. No matter what.
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Old 01-03-2013, 08:13 AM
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Thanks guys... great advice...
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Old 01-03-2013, 08:26 AM
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5/6th of your sobriety has been on your own, and you're doing fine and not drinking. I'd say forget a line a stranger once tossed off way back then and go forward in a confident and unconcerned manner.

Surely many things were said that you easily disregarded, why let this one stick?
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Old 01-03-2013, 09:01 AM
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I was in and out of AA for years with only minimal success. It never felt quite right for me either.

I'm doing OK now without any program other than coming on SR every day and reading, reading, reading lol. I only post occasionally but it keeps it all fresh in my mind.

I'm at my longest period of sobriety(almost 3 years) and I don't see that changing now.
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Old 01-03-2013, 09:32 AM
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@hamabi don't know why it stuck really... could have been me thinking to myself, oh dear, is this what I have to look forward to...

I do remember thinking to myself that I wasn't comfortable with them saying that... I felt very trapped...

@chopperts three years is fantastic, good for you... i was make to kind of believe that you wont make it to month three without AA... i obviously now know different!
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:03 AM
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Many of us are SR members for the sole purpose of responding to posts like yours, Sie. Term 'dry drunk' is a pejorative and dismissive term applied by some to anyone who obtains and maintains sobriety without the burden of the requirements imposed by your past program.

You have taken responsibility for your own sobriety, an approach that can give you an unconditional end to your alcoholism. I wish you well.
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Old 01-03-2013, 11:11 AM
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Originally Posted by Sie View Post
Hi All,

I've been sober just over a year, and attended AA for the first few months of that.

I have always struggled with AA, not the people they are lovely, just the whole 12 step thing.

I did upto step 3, but at that point I felt a fraud for going any further as they really didn't relate to my beleives ...

I heard in a meeting once, that you are considered a 'dry drunk' (I hate that expression) if you are not a 12 stepper, and would love to know other people's view here who are not follwing the program.

Thanks all...
Same here. AA is all about changing my beliefs. Of course the Steps didn't relate to me at all. I don't know anyone who relates to them when they first see them. My sponsor told me to stop thinking and and start doing. She said I didn't have to like it. I am still an atheist and AA worked for me because I stopped judging everything before doing it.

Also, going to meetings only and not working the steps is called a 'free ride'. It looks like the real thing and it provides a false sense of security, but the spiritual changes don't occur, and the person drinks again, in my experience. (as a person who did this for years)

There are other recovery methods out there. AA is only one of many. Good luck on your search!

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Old 01-03-2013, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by mfanch View Post
Same here. AA is all about changing my beliefs. Of course the Steps didn't relate to me at all. I don't know anyone who relates to them when they first see them. My sponsor told me to stop thinking and and start doing. She said I didn't have to like it. I am still an atheist and AA worked for me because I stopped judging everything before doing it.

Also, going to meetings only and not working the steps is called a 'free ride'. It looks like the real thing and it provides a false sense of security, but the spiritual changes don't occur, and the person drinks again, in my experience. (as a person who did this for years)

There are other recovery methods out there. AA is only one of many. Good luck on your search!

Hi... As i said, I started the steps, but just felt a fraud... I couldnt continue with them as i could not relate the steps to a god or higher power.

There were times when I thought the steps were doing me more harm than good and i started to get anxious and angry with myself for not finding a higher power. i felt a failure.

I have nothing against AA or the steps, and i am truely truely happy that they work for some.

Thanks all for your feedback.

Sie
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Old 01-03-2013, 03:09 PM
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Originally Posted by freshstart57 View Post
Many of us are SR members for the sole purpose of responding to posts like yours, Sie. Term 'dry drunk' is a pejorative and dismissive term applied by some to anyone who obtains and maintains sobriety without the burden of the requirements imposed by your past program.

You have taken responsibility for your own sobriety, an approach that can give you an unconditional end to your alcoholism. I wish you well.
Well, in your opinion, of course, fresh. 'Dry drunk' means something entirely different to me. I do agree that often enough the term is used against some others with intentions of creating great insult and unjury. Since AA topics are off limits in this forum, I can't really get into it much how what happens or works out for me.

Anyways, we each have our own collective experiences...

I'm not one who much agrees with blanket statements generalizing whatever.

In any case there are plenty of threads already with peoples take on the term 'dry drunk'... -- they always end up inconclusive if not locked out altogether, lol.

No worries.

Welcome to SR, Sie.
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Old 01-03-2013, 03:20 PM
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There were times when I thought the steps were doing me more harm than good and i started to get anxious and angry with myself for not finding a higher power. i felt a failure.
Then is when you must sort out what is right for you and what is not. Early recovery is a very fragile time for most. Because you were addicted doesn't mean that you are an idiot or can't think for yourself. For me personally, the feelings you descibe were detrimental to me. It was easy to fall into the trap of not trusting my own judgement because of having been addicted, people told me I couldn't trust my own gut. I had those sniggly feelings when I was drinking/using and went against them anyway, so I knew my intuition was intact. It was my belief in myself that was sorely lacking.

What you bring up here is very real for many people. Thank you for broaching the subject by framing it in your own experience and by being so respectful about all programs. I hear you.
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Old 01-03-2013, 08:55 PM
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Welcome Sie

I'm going to close this thread because 12 step topics are off topic in the Secular Connections Forum. Please feel free to start a new thread on non 12 step topics.

Thanks, MG
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