soberlicious

Just because you did not succeed in finding a way to cut the bill down doesn't mean it was an hour wasted. You had a question and found an answer, albiet not the one you would have preferred.

Living in the bounce, to me, means that no experience is a waste of time.

Glad you are doing well. xo

Aleksandra

Greetings and love from New Zealand ,Ananda,you could be my A son writing about me!We are very close but he sometimes resents my "help".it's interesting to read your perception.and I wish you well

Ananda

Alexsandra,

I hope you keep in mind that it doesn't mean that we don't love our mothers, and more importantly it doesn't mean that they aren't doing a good job or aren't good people. It doesn't even mean they aren't helping!

Things just get complicated. Especially with a mother/child relationship. Frankly if Mom hadn't come once a month to "help" me vacume, do dishes, and laundry....I would probably have been in a lot worse shape than I am. And if she hadn't helped...well we've tried that...didn't keep me sober to not have the help.

It's a very confusing issue...My mom, just like me with my son, sometimes "guilt trips me" a bit or "expects things in turn". As the child we sometimes try to change ourselves to make the parent happy...despite their insistance it isn't necessary...very complex lol

The wierd thing is...I'm 54, mom is 84, and my son is 34...so we are all "adults".

Mom will be home on Friday. I thought about it. I am going to ask her up the next weekend to share about her trip and have fun...but also to vacuum. I've done better the last month (even though I drank the first 2 weeks) than I've done in years. Being independant helps...not sure what it's all about...but I don't want to backslide and I didn't vacume last week...critical with my alergys. She will feel good to help, I'll feel ok cause it's just a "little help", we will spend time having fun, and it really makes her feel good to do something about something she can do rather than nothing....again complicted...I just wanna find a balance. She is a wonderful person, we have a complex relationship, but both of us really do our best to make things work.

The one thing I know will be different is the 1 hour a day phone calls...they are really not helpful. I'm sure a psychologist could explain it...but I just know not being on the phone after work for an hour has allowed me to accomplish more and I seem to be sorting through my feelings without having to have that interaction...so...thats the big change for now.

Remember every relationship an situation is different..just take a look, try different things and always hold love in your heart (OK..be pissed sometimes LOL...we are only human).

It's almost "Hi HO HI HO (it's off to work we go) time here"....

Disney's Heigh Ho! - YouTube

Aleksandra

Thank you so much for your insight ,Ananda.I know exactly what you mean about the complex nature of mother / child relationships ,especially where addiction is concerned.I am 68,my son 45 ....crazy!I do not have the same complications with my other two adult children ,they live in another country and I am also close to them,but do not have the same "attachment".I am in a reasonably new marriage with a wonderful man (who has been like a mentor to my son,but he was devastated when he relapsed over Xmas as he really does not understand the nature of addiction.Sorry,my kids would say I'm waffling...so have a great day and thank you.

Ananda

Emotionally the wheels fell off today...possibly financially too.

I'm running on pure determination. I had to vent to a sis in law that isn't exactly my best friend...but at least has some expereince in what I'm going through.

I still think mom is not the go-to person when this sort of irrational, emotional event occures...I told my son to give me some time with some one else to vent and then we would talk rationally...

I'm in decent emotional state at the moment...but it feels like a pretty big bump in the road...has to do with my bankruptsy...which I've been honest about here...

I think I've minimized the "fall out" of going nuts on anyone.....but I'm still shaky.

I'll post tomarrow....I don't want to be a whiner or evoke alot of critisizm about how screwed up I am...I need time to let go of the emotional feelings and get down to the reality and rational solutions that fit my ethics.

See you tomarrow and sorry to not be very positive.

Nands

bemyself

Nands, given your current difficulties on a range of fronts, do cut yourself slack in 'not being very positive' (at the mo, on SR). In my experience, SR is truly blessed in being very sparse in the Positivity-Police department :-)

Whine away, dear, you won't always need to. It's just part of the human condition, I believe ;-) And given what you've described about not really having many people to talk to about your troubles, and know that you need in yourself to be less emotionally dependent on your mother....maybe consider that places like here ARE where you can offload a bit.

Others will gently support and encourage you. No, it's not the same as real f2f interaction, but given there's many hundreds (or is it thousands?) of SR posters - and readers - that tells me that it's a damn good substitute. Hence the term, virtual community.
x Vic

Ananda

Thank you Bemyself,

I have to say that there are many on this site who will be critical and condeming...but I just try to ignore that and focus on the support.

I think that support here can help me, but I keep waiting for someone to come along and tell me I'm full of crap and don't really want or try....but no reason to dwell on that...if it happens I'll deal.

I feel better this morning, for whatever that is worth LOL. And I am organizing and taking action...some will take time. I'm re-evaluating my ethics about all this...keeping in mind that I really do need to take the dogs to the vet, get my teeth cleaned (lost 3 teeth so far though it isn't "visable"), get some pots and pans, the list goes on and on of basic care that I needed my tax money for......but if i don't get it I don't get it.... consult the lawyer, be honest (he seems to be ethical but also concerned about my basic needs).

I just want to take care of the basics...I could just give up the dogs...but the bottom line is if I do...it's the "pink juice" for them (euthinasia ... they would be put to sleep within a few days if no new home was found...plus I would hate myself for giving them up). I can keep loosing teeth...I'm actually ok with that...dentures are cheaper over the long hall lol). The plumbing issues aren't overwhelming...I don't think...just some mopping up and possible rot.

It's not like I can't go to the Doctor if I'm ill, although I might again not be able to pay the bill. The tax money was just to take care of the things I couldn't pay for during the year cause I live paycheck to paycheck. I'm mad at the creditors cause they wouldn't accept what I could pay (for the rest of my life)...they wanted amounts that wouldn't allow me to put food on the table and the bills are ALL medical...no other outstanding bills.

Regardless of how they wouldn't work with me and wanted (each one) to have me pay 1/4th of my monthly income to them....I have to balance that they did provide a service (no matter how ineffective or poor it was) and so perhaps it's ok to pay part of the bills by surrendering my tax return...I just worry about all the daily/yearly maintance of life home and health that won't happen if I loose that money.

OK...so thats a rant.... LOL

I feel a bit better cause I realize I am only responsible to look at what is the best option for me, my family, my dogs....The creditors will have lawyers to look out for their interests and a "nuetral party" will make the decision within whatever laws they have in the state at this time...All I can do is not lie, not cheat, be honest and have a backup plan to deal with daily needs if things get worse

All this whining, but I feel pretty upbeat about it today...won't move on this till Monday and don't sign off on the tax issues till next thursday...

And I didn't let this push me into a drinking binge! Just gonna hang tough for a while longer.

Nands.

mecanix

Hey Nands ,
Financial stuff is real high pressure . I have friends who've gone bankrupt , the banks would have pushed me to it if i'd have had any assets, you are now one of my hero's coping with all that .
Bankruptsy is a perfectly rational solution when creditors have been and are being irrational .
Bestwishes, M

bemyself

Oh God, nands, I do soooo feel for you. Your more detailed story of current pressures (PLURAL) is incredibly close to my own experiences, on more than one occasion, over the past 10 or more years. I don't know where to begin....so maybe I can just say (rather feebly), please hang in. I among others here are behind you!

Ananda

I'm hanging in by my bloody fingers (LOL)

It's sort of crunch time now....finances are pretty much a wreck…got to take care of a lot of things without buying into the “learned helplessness” thing. The one thing I know is I need to get through the tax issues and student loan issues and bankruptcy issues in the next 6-8 weeks….I really can’t afford to let this drag on any longer…it’s been a year now.

Mom is home from her trip to the Antarctic and although she was disappointed with how little she was able to do she did the two things she most wanted…she went through drake’s passage and she stood on the Antarctic watching penguins feed .

Mom finally realized that my “other brother” is as much a drunk as the rest of us….but she is ok with the overall experience. Crossing the Drake Passage, she was bounced off the bed twice before she took the advice of the experts, and slept on the floor.

I’m ok…things are the way they are and I need to get through what I have to and deal with the consequences…which will be long term. The worst decision I made was to attempt going back to school for a degree that would never increase my earnings…I advise that you think long and hard before taking out student loans! The biggest thing, if I set aside the financial issues which are huge, is that I am an artist…I have something I need to do …. But I can’t seem to make the transition from my head to a medium. I’m not sure I ever will. I need to get the financial monkey off my back to find my way through this.

I know that we are “non-AA”, but it’s sorta like one of their sayings…in non-AA terms….how do you eat the elephant….one bite at a time…

Nands

Ananda

Well,

Just to check in…and maybe think out loud…

I get so disappointed cause I’m not who I use to be (LOL)….I don’t help people a lot much anymore…I do at work…with some…I’m not totally self centered…but things are different. Comparing myself to “who I was” isn’t particularly helpful…I think. Its part of my experience that we change constantly…I also find that lack of access to choices (whether due to finances, religion, politics, or a number of other things) is a real truth.
I’m not as kind, I’m not as helpful, but for the most part I don’t get vindictive. I guess it’s just where I am right now. I know that being sober is going to help some of this, but in the end we do change…it’s not actually “bad”.

I’m trying to be supportive of an employee I supervise who has basically become a jerk and over the top not willing to do anything but be angry and resistive. But she is seeking some help and I try to be supportive. I have a lot less options now than I did 3 years ago..Some is due to having drank..but also because that ended up being a huge loss of resources (ok…money LOL).
I always remember the time that I was talking to sober people freaking out about Christmas…and I was poor and I was worrying cause I couldn’t buy a Christmas tree or gifts….money makes a difference. It’s doable, but it’s a set of problems that complicate things. I work daily on my budget and how to be sure I live within my means. And yep…I have a lot more than many many people…it’s pretty silly.

I’m doing ok…I’m not even angry…I’m just trying to adjust and accept that I can’t be who I was…I need to move forward and become who I am today. Working on some dog “issues” (LOL) and staying on my budget work…getting my taxes filed, getting my bankruptcy done and over…and trying to see that I am ok…I’ve got work to do, but I just need to not fall into the despair and disappointment…eat the elephant and keep on moving.

One thing I have to do ….well someone said to me…”what are you doing that fulfills you?” … Answer would be I’m struggling to figure out how to do that….I’m seeking help to find ways to do something each week that leads me to doing something that I feel “fulfills my “purpose” in life”. But it will take time.

Ok…enough for today. I’m a bit overly anxious, but not terribly so…have a plan for the day to reach some goals. I even have some hope that honestly posting might help someone…because I do miss that.

Nands

Ananda

I'm doing ok.

The doctor wants me to try a new trial drug for alchoholism and convinced my insurance company to pay a portion of it. The cost is pretty high (for me after insurance), but it's cheaper than messing up what I've got so far. I'm thinking I'll go for it.

I haven't made a decision, but as I've said before...any thing new or different is good at this point.

I am doing fairly well...but I worry about caving in to the momentary freak out that could lead to a stupid decision to drink...

I'm going to work hard this weekend to take the actions that move me forward and side steps or accepts the wirlwinds of life. I know what I'm saying, but it's hard to express it...I feel cautiously optomistic that I can continue on this path.

Nands

Dee74

cautious optimism sounds pretty good to me

have a good weekend Nands

D

bemyself

Ah, yes, Nands - 'the momentary freak out that could lead to a stupid decision to drink'. I do so get that!

I must say that - if I'm remembering your earlier posts on this thread properly - you really do sound like you're in a better place, within YOURSELF. Each day, each hour.... on we go, in real time, and real life, eh?!

I'm very glad you keep posting; some others who are clearly suffering with all manner of addiction and life matters suddenly disappear from SR (not that anyone's obliged to stay, of course)....and we often wonder, jeepers, is so-and-so OK? Or not? Nothing to be done, naturally. But it's still lovely to hear from fellow comrades.

XXX
Vic

Fandy

Nanda, if the drug is in a clinical trial, aren't they free to participants?
Or am i misreading?

Ananda

Fandy,

I don't understand exactly how this works...but my brother ran into a similar situation with his cancer treatement....

It is FDA approved (I think that's what it is called), so it isn't really trial in that respect. But it isn't an "accepted" choice within the insurance community.

Alchoholism and obviously cancer and other illnesses are very interesting in that just because it is beyond the original trial level, insurances can still say no.

When I went to way too many treatments, the insurance wouldn't pay anymore, and I sort of get it....they wanted something that was different than what was tried before...they determined that this treatement is "different" and therefore not a waste of funds. I actually don't like that they can make that decision, but it is clear to me that they do stop paying if they don't think the client is doing something different when it comes to alchoholism. And they don't have to accept "cutting edge" cancer treatments that don't have a very clear track record of making a difference.

My brother's treatment costs 14,000$ per shot with a 3-4 round series. His share is 1,400 per shot. The stress financially and emotionally for "causing a financial burden on the family" is tremendous. But we pull together and do it. It has extended his years of expected life by several years now.

This treatment for me is at a cost of 1,000 and I pay 300. Frankly it is less for me (expect to only do 3 shots...hopefully) and to the insurance the bottom line is their 2,100 is no more than a hospital bill for a "minor" pancreatits event or suicidal event...I guess it's win win. I hate that insurance gets to make the decision rather than a doctor on what is the next medically indicated thing...but that is how it is.

So short answer, even though they call it "trial", it's past the FDA trials...it's insurance acceptance of the treatment that makes it an approval of a "trial medicine". Trial as far as insurance goes LOL

I'll get the first shot next month after I get my tax return .... I'll worry about the next month the next month...the dr thinks if I get 3 or 4 months sober I can probably get "substantial time in recovery" and get myself out of this.

Nands

totfit

Most everyone goes through a period "of things not working". There is not magic answer at all. Most of us have have to take our lumps until we were done, whether we found a method that worked, or just got tired of it and stopped doing what we were doing.

MOST people get sober without a program. There is no or relatively little difference in success rates of any one program or no program at all. I don't think that anyone should ever stop questioning programs or anything at all. I think we continue always to question and it makes us grown.

I have no answers for anyone, only for myself. I do think however it is not the "something" that ever works. I think that there is a point where our sum total life experience causes us to do something else besides what we have been doing. Certainly, some type of support is critically helpful at times as it is in every other endeavor in life.

Ananda

Was sorry to see this post brought up again....

So...just in case you don't know...I joined SR 5 years ago. Since that time I once had 2 years, and several smaller stints of sobriety. I've been working on sobriety since 1985 and have used a number of different programs...mostly the "traditional methods". My longest sober time was 7 years.

What I've had in the past doesn't matter...what I have each day does.

I've become "non-program" only after trying program after program time after time....

If you feel the need to make a judgment, at least go back and read what I have posted in the past...the poster quoted obviously just made a rush to judgement...I do that sometimes too.

OK...I'm doing ok and need to get going ... it's "hi ho hi ho" time again....

Ananda

Heard from an old friend today. It was nice.

I'm home with a "racked up back". Not good work wise, but I can barely walk over 10 feet, and steps are beyond me. Took asprin, muscle relaxant and am applying heat...should be turned around quickly as it's already a lot better than it was when I tried to go to the bathroom at 3 am LOL

I had a bit of a panic last night because there is a storm coming and we may be "house bound" for a day or so. Of course iin with the be sure we have food that can be eaten cold...was buy an extra carton of ciggeretes and OMG...maybe a bottle.....

It's ok, I'm not caving...just that I'm not quite far enough along in sobriety to not have those thoughts. The past tells me that with a bit of time those thoughts simply don't even occur. Just because I have a thought doesn't mean I have to act on it. I guess I just don't see it as the witch or devil on my back trying to lure me back...for me it is just habit...a routine thought that comes up and then goes. If I don't act on it the thought will fade and is less likely to come up again. This is something that buddhism helped me to understand. If I make it "evil" or "seperate" ... well for me that actually increases it's power. If I simply acknowledge it and let it go....It's not "me" and it's not "not me" it's simply the monkey mind at work.

So...I'm going to take my asprin and use the heating pad and move around slowly on and off today.

Nands

soberlicious

Very true and also much the same premise as AVRT.

No need to engage, react, or fight.

This applies to any and all hindrances.